Hair of the Dog (Texans-Rams): The Dog Days

Toward the end of Sunday’s game, we more or less got bored with the game and wished for the sweet release of death. You saw the game. You can understand why. At about the point where Tom Savage threw the biggest “what the hell were you thinking” interception of the game, we began to put together an incomplete list of who/what we would rather see play quarterback than Tom Savage.

And it was a pretty solid list too, with the best names/inanimate objects. Since I have nothing else I want to bring up about yesterday’s game, here’s who we’d rather see under center than Tom Savage*:

Jeremy:

A cabbage

BFD:

Kaep[ernick]
My butt

Luke:

Teddy Touchdown since [American Hero] #TeamKeenum is balling out

Capt Ron:

(at their current age)

Joe Montana
Steve Young
John Elway
Dan Marino
Tony Romo
Willie Nelson
Eminem
Jose Altuve
Chuck Yeager

*This list is incomplete and there’s undoubtedly other people/vegetables/things which we’d rather have as quarterback.

Honestly, I’d be fine with any of these under center, but alas, it is not to be.

Now on to this week’s HotD. As always, in finest HotD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. It’s just our way of saying “thank you” and “why are you still watching?”

Pregame Thoughts:

Capt Ron

Los Angeles will likely build a statue of Wade Phillips in remembrance of what his defense unleashed upon the injury-riddled Houston Texans on this day.

Jared Goff would have met his match in a shootout against Deshaun Watson today, but the universe stole that from us.

Bracing for impact...

UT

It seems like a really bad omen when you wake up first thing in the morning and have "I Love LA" stuck in your head; doubly so since I hate that song.

Weston

I've been to LA four times and each time I felt like there was some really cool party that everyone was going to that I heard about but didn't know where it was at.

BFD

You know what'd be a worse omen? Waking up next to MDC.

COULD Y'ALL IMAGINE WHAT KIND OF MAGIC BOB COULD WORK WITH #TEAMKEENUM???

Weston

Keenum, Osweiler, and Fitzpatrick have both been better outside of HOU. I can't wait until Mallett gets his shot in BAL again.

UT

Just got back from Portland. Are we losing yet?

First Quarter:

Weston

I wonder if Miller will get cut this offseason.

What do y'all think?

UT

Lamar or Braxton? Because I could see either one out.

(Tom Savage gets strip-sacked, turns over the ball at the Texans’ 12 yard line)

Weston

Hahahaha hahahaha

[KITTEN]ING BEAUTIFUL

MDC (to BFD)

No, that's not a bad omen for the future; it's a glaring reminder that you made poor decisions last night.

UT

Whoever had two minutes and 27 seconds in the "when will Tom Savage turnover the ball first" contest, please come forward to claim your prize.

MDC

Bortles just went peak Bort against the chargers.

(Rams kick a field goal, LA leads 3-0.)

Luke

Yeah I'd cut Lamar.

UT

Same, I haven't been impressed by him at all since he was signed by the team.

(Lamar Miller breaks a long run)

Luke

Wow, I'm reverse jinxing.

Man, I'd cut Lamar Miller next week.

*Crosses fingers for a TD run*

Jeremy

The reverse jinx is working, guys.

UT

That's about the most perfect throw that Tom Savage will ever make and Ellington bobbles it.

Sigh...we're so [kitten]ed.

Weston

I wish I was dead

BFD

And the award for the QB Most Likely to Get His WR Killed is....opens envelope...TOM SAVAGE!

I thought he was accurate, will improve, knows BOB's system, four (4!!!!) years, and we just need to give him a chance?

Weston

Holy [kitten]

Awkward Ferris wheel is my favorite scene change footage

UT (to Weston)

Better than the fish toss? Them's some strong words.

Jeremy

Carlos Watkins with the mediocre J.J. impression.

BFD

McKinney + A gap stunt blitz = luv4evah

Weston (to UT)

Better than fish toss

Muscle beach can [kitten] off though

(Unnecessary roughness called against the Rams)

UT

Glory to all-penalty offense.

BFD

That shouldn't have been a penalty as Ellington was spun into him.

Second Quarter:

BFD

This is easily the best Savage has looked as a pro. He's getting rid of the ball quickly, which is something he's never done in the past. On the other hand, the 4.5 y/a so far is not acceptable.

Jeremy

Texans played a good game of keepaway in the first quarter. Gotta credit O'Brien for that.

UT

Back to reverse jinxing.

Tom Savage needs to be cut after today's game if not sooner.

BFD (to Jeremy)

Sorry, Jeremy, but I'll credit the defensive play over anything BOB has done so far. THOUGH, as said, it looks like he's schemed Savage with quick hitters, so that's a nice change.

(Texans call a timeout because they can’t get the right players out on the field for a field goal attempt)

UT

[Kitten] BOB, figure out your personnel shifting.

BFD

Use a time out because we can't get the field goal team in? And not take the penalty? Goodness.

(Fairbairn misses the field goal attempt. Rams lead 3-0.)

UT

In essence, BOB iced his own kicker.

BFD

Cooper Kupp + block Jadeveon Clowney = LOL4eva

(Will Fuller sustains an injury to the ribs, does not return to the game.)

UT

That's the last we'll see of Fuller this year, probably; if this season has been any indication.

BFD

/remembers comment earlier about Savage killing a WR

(Savage throws a touchdown to Ellington. Texans lead 7-6.)

BFD (again)

Good Durga, this offense looks nothing like it did in Week 1, 2016, 2015, well, you get where I'm going with this.

Weston

I'm so confused right now

UT

KJo is playing with a spring in his step and a song in his heart.

Diehard Chris

Kevin Johnson has a bit of fancy lady in him with his clown dance.

Weston

Kevin Johnson is me whenever daylight savings comes to an end

Someone explain these watermelon heads to me

UT

I will give $1000 to anyone who can explain to me why Rams fans in the stands are wearing watermelons on their heads with ram horns protruding from them.

NOTE: You do not get said $1000 if you only explain the horns protruding from the aforementioned watermelons.

(Tom Savage throws an incomprehensible interception)

UT

And there's this week's WTF interception.

Weston

Fellas I don't think Savage is very good

BFD

Incredibly, that's only Savage's second career INT. I think he'll add more today.

Things that are weird? The opposition is driving, a TO is called, and you don't know if BOB called it or the opposition. #clockmanagementFTL

Halftime Reactions:

BFD

We've seen the entire Tom Savage rainbow of skills today. The play calling has finally adjusted to force Savage to throw the ball quickly, essentially the "don't think just throw" theory of QBing. Still, Savage has a pick to go with the 6.4 y/a and a QB rating of 74.4. Even at his very best, Savage is still terrible.

The defense is playing outstanding ball. Kevin Johnson, Benardick McKinney, and Jadeveon Clowney are playing outstanding today.

Weston

I...I can't stop thinking about those watermelon heads

UT

It makes nary a lick of sense.

MDC (to Weston and UT)

Oh, the melonhead thing is retro as [kitten]. It's from back when the Rams were previously in LA. Once weirdo fan did it because he thought the crowd was too boring and he wanted to get people to lighten up. When they moved to St. Louis, the team tried to subtly encourage folks there to keep the tradition going, but it never caught on.

Third Quarter:

UT

If you had asked me who would have gotten penalized for intentional grounding at the start of this game, I would not have chosen Jared Goff.

(to MDC) That sounds like an LA thing.

I'll have that $1000 in the mail as soon as sandwichly possible.

BFD

Coke and prostitutes on MDC WHOOOOO!!!!!

MDC

I like my bills in autumn-folded form.

BFD

DeAndre Hopkins is oh so very special.

UT

Nuk is ridiculous.

(to MDC) And you can't hurt me anymore Little Matt.

(Ticky-tack penalty against the Rams nullifies pick six by Alec Ogletree. Ticky-tack OPI on Hopkins nullifies big gain)

BFD

Yeah, I don't think either of those plays are PIs. And Savage should still have never thrown that ball. He's pick lucky this game.

Jeremy

This game is so bizarre.

Weston

(to MDC) Thanks my man

I'm furious about that holding penalty. I wanted to party like it was 2013 again.

(Jared Goff throws a 94-yard touchdown to something called Robert Woods. Rams lead 16-7.)

UT

The second that ball came out of Goff's hand I knew it was gone.

BFD

Second time in two weeks Joseph has been badly burned by speed.

Weston (to BFD)

He just guessed wrong and turned the wrong way.

I'm just glad this game has been a little fun

BFD (to Weston)

He guessed wrong in part because he can no longer read and react. He relies heavily on anticipation these days.

(Rams score again, easily, lead 23-7.)

UT

And the wheels just fell off.

Weston

Yeeaaahhhh no disagreeing here on that

The play last week was a blown cover 4 play

The Rams are the best screen team I've seen this year

BFD

Especially when you can get an OL out so far in front of the ball carrier.

(Savage is strip sacked...again. Rams recover the ball.)

UT

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, I'm gonna throw up.

Weston

Tom Savage is to fumbles as [NAME REDACTED] is to interceptions

BFD

How many career strip sacks is that for Savage?

(One play later, the Rams score again, lead 30-7.)

UT

Savage has played nine quarters of football and lost five fumbles and one interception.

Fourth Quarter:

UT

Oh sweet [Durga], THERE'S ANOTHER QUARTER LEFT?

/whimpers

Weston

I'm done.

I can't do it anymore.

BFD

My link to the 4th quarter thread was actually a link to Journey's Separate Way video. LOL?

UT

What is a Robert Woods, and why is Johnathan Joseph still trying to stop him?

Weston

I can't believe there is seven more weeks of this

(Rams kick a field goal, lead 33-7)

UT

This is a Cleveland Browns score.

Luke

I always knew Robert Woods was great.

UT

Texans had 188 yards of offense in the first half.

As of right now they have 226 yards on offense. This offense is pig[kitten].

Capt Ron

I have bit my tongue all game, but now I’ll chime in.

Each game that ticks by after the Texans lost Watson is more damning evidence in favor of Kaepernick’s case v. NFL.

Luke

I'm enjoying this 2015 Houston Texans offense.

UT

The only good thing about this game is I've laughed harder in the last two-ish hours than I have pretty much all year.

Kenneth L.

Cut Savage. Right now. Sign Cap. Right now. It cannot get worse than this. I said "interception" out loud right before he threw it because I was able to read that entire play faster than he can. I need a dark place to cry in.

(The game mercifully ends with the Rams winning 33-7.)

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - DeAndre Hopkins was Savage’s favorite target, registering 7 catches for 111 yards and no touchdowns. He was the brightest spot on the offensive side of the ball.

Defense - Jadeveon Clowney was holding the defense together almost singlehandedly this week, pressuring Jared Goff, getting multiple tackles in the backfield, getting three tackles and a sack.

Special Teams - Shane Lechler got a lot of work in today. So that’s something.

Want to add a person/thing to our incomplete list of better quarterbacks than Tom Savage? Got a different opinion on who should get game balls? Make your thoughts known below!