Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:
Comrades! News has spread far and wide about Texans’ thrilling performance against hated Lambs of Los Angeles. Untrustworthy media, who lies at every waking moment about Texans, will say that this resounding effort could spell end of Texans’ season. Do not fall for their despicable half-truths! Instead, believe only Houston Sports Ministry of Information; we will provide you, true, dyed-in-the-wool fans of our glorious Texans, only unabridged truth you seek, only truth you’ll ever need.
So ignore noise about last week. Instead, let us focus on week to come, wherein football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans will throttle, with overwhelming force, pigeons of desert, the Arizona Cardinals.
This week’s foe intends to dishonor Motherland by pretending to limp into Houston with numerous injuries to starters. Attached injury report serves two nefarious purposes. First is to draw pity from referees well in advance of Sunday’s game. Second is to illustrate just how weak Cardinals are! No self-respecting football player would ever complain about something so insignificant as injured toe or totally made up injury like “not injury related.” Contrast that with Texans’ injury report, which has remained unchanged since 2012. Our robust Texans players would never succumb to such weakness. On off-chance that one of them were to injure toe, would they cry to coaches about it? No! They would remove offending appendage and continue with drills like fierce competitors they are! If knee is injured, they would simply ask to borrow someone else’s and continue playing. You will never see this kind of commitment to competition in any other team except only football team within state of Texas.
Weakness is only backed up by Pigeons’ unbridled arrogance. While they plump up list of weak-willed simpering cowards, they have unmitigated gall to threaten to use professional bedwetter Blaine Gabbert as starting quarterback! What hubris! Is nothing less than slap in face of all Texans players, their fans, and affront to Mother Houston. They are telling world they believe they can stoop so low as to use what can only be called anti-quarterback to defeat Texans! These imperialist swinebirds will regret decision to use player with all passing acumen of boiled potato for quarterback. They will pay for insults to Texan pride!
But insults do not end there. They will also trot out senior citizen and diploma mill enthusiast Larry Fitzgerald to be Gabbert’s top wide receiver, though this assumes fool Gabbert can throw anything in his direction, which Ministry of Information doubts. Is most unfortunate to see Fitzgerald continue in league, but not surprising as with most people who hold degree from University of Phoenix, is likely that Fitzgerald has to continue playing as he cannot afford to retire.
To round out offense for Cardinals, their starting running back is noted child abuser Adrian Peterson. Peterson, who may or may not have threatened David Johnson’s child with switch to get job, has enjoyed marginal success in Arizona, but pales in significance compared to dominant Texans’ running game. His performance, both on field this season and in rearing children, can be generously described as hit or miss. Will not matter as new heroes of Texans’ defense Benardrick McKinney and Jadeveon Clowney will give Peterson beatdown that his children do not deserve.
What do you expect, though, of team whose management staff will give obscene contracts to players for no good reason? Look at Tyrann Mathieu. After scant two years, Cardinals gave him new contract worth untold millions of dollars. But ever since then, he has proven not to be worth paper contract is written on. We at Ministry find this kind of greed nauseating as our glorious Texans would be happy to perform at same level as Mathieu but at much more modest price. Besides, this kind of wildly reckless spending is anathema to infinite wisdom of Marshal of the Texans Rick Smith, as he would never spend that kind of money on safety and accept substandard performance as result. Ever.
But is also imperative that we, children of Mother Houston, show kindness toward those who are generally undeserving of it, the way Cardinals are. For that reason, our Supreme Leader O’Brien has ordered that Will Fuller, whose feet represent hopes and dreams of all Texans everywhere, be sidelined for Sunday’s game. Is but single merciful gesture undertaken by our Texans to make victory over Cardinals at least slightly more challenging. Let us all try to live up to shining example that Supreme Leader O’Brien sets for us all. Glory to Comrade O’Brien! May he be signed to 10,000 year contract extension!
Football-loving fans and players of Mother Houston will not allow these duplicitous birds to befoul our homeland with bitter sense of defeat. Let us expel them from NRG, on day when first Hero of Texans, Andre Johnson, will be honored as befits player of his stature, and send them back to desert with tailfeathers between legs!
GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!