clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Cardinals-Texans Predictions

BRB predicts the sadness of Houston’s week um... what week is this? Oh, this week’s game between the Houston Texans and the Arizona Cardinals

Indianapolis Colts v Houston Texans
Andre Johnson, back when life mattered.
Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Look in the mirror. Look at yourself. Are you a terrible person? Are you wretched to your core?

Or are you a Houston Texans fan?

Either way, you probably deserve this: Blaine Gabbert vs. Tom Savage. You’re going to get it, too. At least for as long as you can handle it.

This battle of dim bulbs will go down Sunday at NRG Stadium to a packed... um... to a some level of attended house who will sleepily eat stadium ribs, ingest beer, and watch Andre Johnson get some recognition on a day that should be saved for a raucous crowd - ya know, sometime in 2018.

Here’s how the BRB staff thinks this slapfight will go Sunday. Brace yourselves. Remember - you deserve this.

Tim: Texans 13, Cardinals 10.

It's Blaine Gabbert. BLAINE GABBERT. Tom Savage is bad, but surely he's better than Blaine Gabbert, right? RIGHT?!!!?

/turns bottle of Paddy's upside down

//goes numb

///is now ready to watch the 2017 Houston Texans

Diehard Chris (actually Lou Reed): Cardinals 19, Texans 13.

I don't know just where I'm going
But I'm gonna try for the kingdom if I can
'Cause it makes me feel like I'm a man
When I put a spike into my vein
And I tell ya things aren't quite the same
When I'm rushing on my run
And I feel just like Jesus' son
And I guess that I just don't know
And I guess that I just don't know

I have made the big decision
I'm gonna try to nullify my life
'Cause when the blood begins to flow
When it shoots up the dropper's neck
When I'm closing in on death

And you can't help me now, you guys
And all you sweet girls with all your sweet talk
You can all go take a walk
And I guess I just don't know
And I guess that I just don't know

I wish that I was born a thousand years ago
I wish that I'd sail the darkened seas
On a great big clipper ship
Going from this land here to that
In a sailor's suit and cap

Away from the big city where a man can not be free
Of all of the evils of this town
And of himself, and those around
Oh and I guess that I just don't know
Oh and I guess that I just don't know

Heroin, be the death of me
Heroin, it's my wife and it's my life
Because a mainer to my vein
Leads to a center in my head
And then I'm better off than dead

Because when the smack begins to flow
I really don't care anymore
About all the Jim-Jim's in this town
And all the politicians making busy sounds
And everybody putting everybody else down
And all the dead bodies piled up in mounds

'Cause when the smack begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore

Ah, when the heroin is in my blood
And that blood is in my head
Then thank God that I'm as good as dead
Then thank your God that I'm not aware
And thank God that I just don't care
And I guess I just don't know
Oh and I guess I just don't know

“Heroin” - lyrics by Lou Reed

Luke Beggs: Texans 9, Cardinals 7.

I have Chandler Jones on my team in the BRB IDP league, and I've never been happier.

Capt. Ron: Cardinals 17, Texans 10.

Last week I predicted 34-3, and it ended up being 33-7. Not far off the mark!

Every game without Deshaun Watson, an "average" offensive line, and a defensive secondary that isn't getting smoked like a holiday ham feels like being in a dentist’s chair when his heavy drill slips and there's a loud painful crunch followed by him saying, "Hmm. I think we may need to do a crown on that tooth, too. Maybe a bridge!"

Just shoot me.

BFmf’nD: Cardinals 24, Texans 6.

At this stage of their respective careers, Blaine Gabbert >>>>>> Tom Savage.

Also true:

-Gabbert has thrown 1,226 attempts as a pro and will be 28 years, 35 days old on Sunday.

-Savage has thrown 185 career attempts as a pro and will be 27 years, 207 days old on Sunday.

-Gabbert is just 193 days older than Savage #youthmovement

Matt Weston: Cardinals 20, Texans 10.

LOL. Who cares?

Kenneth L.: Cardinals 20, Texans 16.

Adrian Peterson runs all over the Texans in the third quarter. This will be one of those games that feels like it lasts a lifetime, and win or lose just looks ugly.

The Cardinals have won every other game this season, and they lost last week...

Mike Bullock: Cardinals 20, Texans 9.

Larry Fitzgerald shines on Andre Johnson's day. DeAndre Hopkins tries to as well but can't master passing to himself for big gains.

Kkdentify: Cardinals 10, Texans 7.

Because Fitz is still Fitz and Savage is Savage. At this point, I have little faith in Tom's ability to effectively run this offense for four quarters, so the sight of our defense on the field for over half the game wouldn't surprise me.

The way I feel about this game is...I do not want to feel.

Now, humble readers, we turn the floor over to you. What depressing song lyrics predictions do you have for Sunday’s game?