This Thanksgiving, I won’t be in town with my family. I’ve spent enough time with them throughout the course of the long life I’ve lived. I got two days of from work. It’s time to carpe something and utilize my free time instead of overeating and drinking with friends from those old high school halls.
So I’m leaving. I’m heading northwest of here to the Grand Canyon. I’ll be eating chickpea pasta and walking and walking and walking while everyone else has their pants unbuttoned.
Just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I’m giving up Thanksgiving. It’s too damn good to not get a taste of that moist bird at least once a year. So tomorrow night, I’ll be having it instead of Thursday, when the rest of America does.
I’m making some beans, and more importantly, I’m cooking a bird. A very special bird. One morning I was driving to work and this beautiful idea popped in my head. There’s an enormous cavity inside the turkey. You can stuff it with just about anything. I knew what I had to do.
I did some digging. I found a chili pepper baste for the turkey. It’s not super hard to make. It just takes a lot of time. A lot of cutting, boiling, and blending. RIP to the Hamilton Pool blender that couldn’t handle it. The baste is spectacular on its own. It wraps a suit of armor around the turkey, keeping the inside soft and tender while trapping the moisture in. I don’t know if the stuffing is any good. I didn’t need it. Because that cavity doesn’t get stuffing. It gets stuffed with an entirely different substance.
Once the bird is done, you pull it out. Then you jam a block of Velveeta in its gut and throw it back in the oven. Once it starts to melt, you pull it back out, add some Rotel, and toss it back in there. Once the soulless block of cheese finally starts to mix fully with the tomatoes and starts to seep out like an elevator at the Overlook Hotel, you pull the bird out one last time.
To serve, you don’t have to do anything else at all. Just set it out on the table and let it cool a bit. From there, you just get to ripping and tearing. Dump the bird into the cheese and you have a culinary feat you can’t believe is (1) actually really good, and (2) is this absurd.
Look at that bird!
Anyways, I’ll be gone all next week and that’s all I got. I hope your holidays are spectacluar. I hope you make some turkey con queso for me. And yes, I am mad as hell that the Texans are playing the Ravens on Monday Night Football next week, so I won’t be able to avoid watching them play during my journey into the sublime.
Enjoy your Saturday night while you do whatever it is that you do. Remember the standard commenting rules apply.