Hair of the Dog (Cardinals-Texans): Mad Dogs and Texans

I’m not going to lie to y’all. Yesterday could’ve gone a lot better and a lot worse than it did.

On one hand, it’s good to get the win and finally staunch the bleeding a little bit. It’s good that the Texans scored over 30 points on offense, which we haven’t seen since...since (sniff, sniff, snort) Deshaun Watson was under center. I was floored that Tom Savage was capable of leading an offense to that many points. Andre Johnson was added as the first name to the Texans’ new Ring of Honor at halftime, and we could all use a little more Andre Johnson in our lives.

But Tom Savage is still not a good quarterback; two touchdowns do not excuse the strip sack, the bonehead interception, and the poor throws made during the game. Blaine Gabbert threw three touchdowns on the Texans’ defense. THAT Blaine Gabbert. Three. As in more than two. But the bitter part of what could have been a pretty sweet win is the loss of D’Onta Foreman probably for the year with a torn Achilles tendon. While it’s a blow to the fortunes of the Texans this season (and really, there have been some doozies), the bigger concern is whether D’Onta will show the same burst and potential in 2018.

That sucked, but it was a win, and that’s always a good thing.

Here is this week’s Hair of the Dog, truncated a bit due to life, the universe, and everything. As always, in finest HotD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work, at no added cost to you. You’re welcome.

Enjoy!

Pre-Game Thoughts:

Vega

I've actually missed the last two games. I was on a business trip during the Indy game, and was running in a 200-mile relay race last weekend (which means I suffered less than you guys). So, this will be my first true exposure to the Tom Savage experience. I can't wait.

Weston

[Kitten] sitting outside in the sun like a fat tabby cat is so much better than watching this awful team play

First Quarter:

Vega

Watching Clowney is the saving grace of this season.

(Texans nearly give up a safety on the first punt return of the game. Ruled down at the one yard line, instead.)

UT

Is it better to give up the safety there or start at the one given the circumstances?

Vega

Why can't we do both, [UT]? Trust in Savage.

UT

In Savage we trust. We don't trust him to do WELL, but we trust him.

(Bill O’Brien attempts what might be one of the worst challenges of his career trying to get a touchback instead of starting at the one yard line.)

UT

Bill, what are you doing? No, Bill, we've talked about this, keep the challenge flag in your pants. Nothing good happens when you challenge plays.

Vega

Special teams bailed out by a call? Well, I can at least lose us a timeout out of this.

- Bill O'Brien, probably

(Savage nearly throws an interception, gets bailed out on a holding call against Arizona.)

Vega

It's almost like Savage double pumped on that deep pass to wait for the safety to get in position.

UT

On a day where we honor Andre Johnson, it's nice that Tom Savage is also doing a lovely homage to Matt Schaub by throwing a dead duck that nearly gets picked off.

BFD

If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times: Texans fans can't have nice things because of the way Little Matt touches himself.

Luke

This offense is eternally better when Bill O Brien treats Lamar Miller more like Dion Lewis then Legarette Blount.

MDC (to BFD)

The overhand lefty grip is an affront to Durga.

Vega

Ed Hochuli is our best offensive player so far.

Second Quarter:

UT

Well, it'll be nice to get our one scoring drive out of the way so people can start preparing for Thanksgiving early.

The Texans are so thoughtful like that.

(Savage throws a touchdown to Lamar Miller in the corner. Texans lead 7-0.)

Vega

Ok, credit where credit is due. That was a sweet pass by Savage.

(Jadeveon Clowney eats the Cardinals’ offense’s lunch.)

Vega

I hope opposing coaches continue trying to block Clowney with a tight end. It's highly entertaining.

Luke

At some point teams have to realise that leaving Clowney against a TE is bad right? I mean these coaches watch tape right? They've seen how good Clowney is.

(Cardinals getting penalized frequently early on.)

Vega

Seriously, Hochuli is well on his way to a game ball.

UT

Fifth penalty on the Cardinals today. They are doing us so many favors today.

(Tom Savage gets strip sacked, fumbles the ball deep in Texans territory.)

UT

/marks "strip sack" square on my "Tom Savage is Bad" bingo card.

Vega

Nice try, [UT]. That's the center square that everyone gets.

BFD

Are there still any Tom Savage apologists out there?

(Larry Fitzgerald scores an easy touchdown against the Texans. Game is tied at 7.)

UT

The Houston Texans just got embarrassed by a guy with a degree from a diploma mill.

BFD

Savage has done something I didn't believe possible: he has turned the strip sack into a skill and almost an art form. It's amazingly awful.

UT

/marks "badly underthrown checkdown pass" on Tom Savage bingo card.

I wasn't expecting that one.

(Savage throws his weekly WTF interception.)

UT

/marks stupid interception

I'm so close to bingo...

BFD (to UT)

I also marked off the "so badly thrown I couldn't discern the intended receiver" box.

(Cardinals burn Johnathan Joseph badly on a touchdown pass to something called a Ricky Seals-Jones, Cardinals lead 14-7.)

UT

You might as well have not even been there, JJo.

Please drive home safely Texans fans.

BFD

I hate to say it, but JJo looks more done every week. He badly trailed Seals-Jones, a TE, on the TD pass.

Oh, and since I was running around when it happened: BOB's challenge was so very BOB.

Halftime Reactions:

Tim (in a rare cameo appearance)

Rick Smith just got booed—loudly—when he was introduced at ‘Dre’s ceremony.

Smith laughed.

UT

Rick Smith to Texans fans: Let them eat [kitten].

Third Quarter:

(DeAndre Hopkins makes a pretty great catch against Patrick Peterson for a touchdown. Texans lead 17-14.)

UT

That was inexplicably pretty.

(Blaine Gabbert throws another touchdown to Ricky Seals-Jones, Cardinals lead 21-17.)

UT

Blaine Gabbert has thrown three touchdown passes today and I want to die.

Fourth Quarter:

Kenneth L.

I fell asleep in the third quarter when the Cardinals scored. I woke up to that last pass with Savage that was the best looking athleticism and throw I have seen from him. I was very confused what they hell was happening

Jeremy

How did Savage make that play?

(D’Onta Foreman scores on a three yard run into the end zone. Texans lead 24-21.)

Jeremy

Best drive of the season from Foreman. Showed why the team used such a high pick on him. First career TD. Happy for him.

Can't believe how far JJo has fallen. Sad to watch.

(D’Onta Foreman runs 34 yards into the end zone for the touchdown, tearing his achilles in the process. Texans lead 31-21.)

UT

That's a pyrrhic touchdown.

MDC

[Kitten]it.

Diehard Chris

This is a mega [kitten] ton more points than my brain was expecting to witness today.

Luke

[Kitten] off. Seriously. A Texans RB suddenly becomes good and this [kitten]ing happens.

MDC

Considering there's no upside to even winning the game, I have to agree, [UT].

MDC

Somewhere, Arian Foster nods. And Steve Slaton weeps. And Domanick Williams rocks silently in place.

(Cardinals finally throw an interception.)

UT

It's about [kitten] time Gabbert threw a pick. I was getting tired of waiting.

Jeremy

I forgot what this feeling felt like.

(Gabbert throws a second interception, effectively ending the game.)

Tim

Blaine Gabbert will always return to equilibrium. It’s science.

(Texans win 31-21.)

Post-Game Reactions:

MDC

A win that isn't a net positive? Check.

Another terrible injury? Probably check.

Making Blaine Gabbert look like an NFL QB for three quarters? Check.

Your 2017 Houston Texans, ladies and gents (and BFD).

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - Let’s give one to our fallen running back, D’Onta Foreman, who scored two touchdowns on 10 carries for 65 yards.

Defense - How do you not give it to Jadeveon Clowney, who racked up three tackles with two assists and a pair of sacks on top of the overall pressure he generated in the pocket?

Special Teams - N/A.

Got a disagreement with the game balls? Want to lament the loss of yet another promising Texans player for the season? That’s what comments are for. Go forth and comment to your heart’s content (within reason, do be excellent to each other).