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Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Monday Night Football Preview - Baltimore Ravens

The Houston Sports Minister of Information has approved the following preview of glorious Texans’ game against unworthy Ravens of Baltimore. You read now.

We are at war with Baltimore. We have always been at war with Baltimore.

Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:

Comrades! Let us all show immeasurable gratitude for yet another dominant Texans victory over desert birds of Arizona. Though they proved to require very little effort for People’s Football Team of Texas, our glorious Texans, we must never forget debt people of Houston owe to Blaine Gabbert, who has done more to win Texans games than any other non-Texans player in illustrious history of our team.

Though his efforts are appreciated, they ultimately showed to be unnecessary. Texans won by overpowering desert birds 31-21. Score would appear close, but 18 of 21 points were tacked on by deceitful leaders of NFL to make triumph appear less impressive than it truly was.

While most teams attempt to play complementary football to bring about results Texans have, our Dear Leader, Comrade O’Brien, has devised innovative system of contradictory football where offense has to work against own defense, and defense against vaunted offense, and both have to work against special teams. Conflict is good. It brings out inherent strength of each unit and promotes growth within team. All Texans fans should consider themselves most fortunate to have coach with such genius for team construction and management on sideline.

This contradictory football falls in line with other great scheme devised by our leaders wherein our Texans start with 4-6 record and march methodically toward yet another AFC South title. This will give our glorious Texans, through whom dreams and ambitions of all Houston are reflected, momentum to make yet another Super Bowl run and strike fear in hearts of those who would dare stand against us!

It will also be truly inspiring sight when our Battle Red brethren take new contradictory football and display it before the world against Pre-Browns in Baltimore. Seems only fitting that Pre-Browns would move to Baltimore as Baltimore has gained reputation of being little more than Cleveland with crabs.

When one thinks of Pre-Browns, word “knockoff” seems to be perfect fit. Their team is but cheap version of actual Cleveland Beiges. Their team has been staffed, over years, by former Texans players and coaches who have long since outlived usefulness and could only find work with Pre-Browns. Is long, grim list of Texans who populated this team:

Jacoby Jones
Vonta Leach
Matt Schaub
Ryan Mallett
Gary Kubiak

Of those on list, only famed narcoleptic Mallett remains on team. His conduct, as you will undoubtedly recall, was unbecoming and unexpected of football-loving fans and players of the Houston Texans. He was exiled to outer darkness of Baltimore for it.

It’s not just players and coaches who Pre-Browns ripped off from other teams. Their mascot, Poe The Raven, is little more than cheap imitation of character Plague Knight from popular video game “Shovel Knight.”

But what else can you expect from organization that has spent almost half of its existence trying to prove that starting quarterback, Joe Flacco, is elite? Let us be clear that while Flacco may aspire to be elite like our modest quarterback, Comrade Tom Savage, Flacco lacks innate tools that make Savage truly elite among elites. Idea that Flacco is elite makes Minister of Information laugh, as it should make all loyal Texans fans laugh. We laugh now, heartily, at this folly.

Cease laughing now.

To protect this lunatic with severe delusions of grandeur, Pre-Browns are expected to shuffle offensive line. Starting left tackle Ronnie Staley is pretending to show concussion symptoms so as to avoid being thrown around like ragdoll by Hero of Texans Defense, Jadeveon Clowney. Their guard, Jermaine Eluemenor, is out with shoulder injury that was caused by recklessly unwrapping delicious Ferraro-Rocher chocolate. Musical chair lineup of offensive line could prove to be significant advantage to Texans, who do not need significant advantages but are not averse to using them when it suits them.

What contemptible softness these Pre-Browns display on regular basis! Is sickening to see for all proud, strong Texans of Motherland. Our football players do not feign injury from eating chocolates. Our players have been known to play not just with one concussion but three concurrent concussions! This does not stop them from putting team first above all else, even own well being. They are willing to lay lives on line for Mother Houston and all Texans fans, just as all Texans fans should be willing to do same for team!

Pre-Browns’ offense is not alone in representing the Rubenesque character of team. According to highly placed and not-at-all biased Ministry reports, linebacker C.J. Mosley was crying, begging, and pleading to have week off for tonight’s game against Texans. These reports indicate Mosley was concerned with being embarrassed on national television by high-quality guard Xavier Su’a-Filo. There is no shame in being bested by one of greatest guards ever to play sport. Few players can say they are XSF’s equal in talent, passion, or moisture. But to weasel out of game because of it is just sad, and not trait you will ever see with Texans. Despite this, his coach, John Harbaugh, emotionally stable brother of family, says his “ankle injury” is nothing serious.

While Pre-Browns appear to have something resembling pass rush, this defense should not be confused with other better units of Pre-Browns, units which approach level of unity and sense of purpose that every Texans team has. However, this might prove to be best for all concerned. Most notable secondary player Pre-Browns ever had is world-renowned criminal who swindled untold millions of hard-earned dollars from collective pocket of Texans fans. Their most notable linebacker is famed admirer of knives who totally, absolutely, without question did not murder anybody in back of limo. He so obviously did not kill anybody after Super Bowl in Atlanta that, according to investigators loyal to Ministry of Information, each new draftee’s contract included separate gag order stating that nobody in locker room heard anything about him bragging about his “murderizing [expletive] out of [people]” and how he felt afterward. Clearly he is innocent of all charges levied against him. One of these signees was Terrell Suggs, who might have been able to say something if it weren’t for Alzheimer’s disease setting in due to fact that he’s been in NFL for 154 years.*

There can be no doubt that Texans will overcome obvious weakness and revolting squishiness of Pre-Browns. This will be momentous triumph of Motherland over band of frauds who claim to be worthy of playoffs! Is moment of our return to glory! And we will return under bright lights of Monday Night football!


*Disputed by fraudulent media sources