Hair of the Dog - (Texans/Ravens): Lost Dog

Since this is being written during/after the Monday night game, I don’t exactly have primo filler for you tonight, especially after Tom Savage threw what will likely be the game ending interception.

So let’s just get right into it so I can do something more productive with my time, like building a fictional colony in my video game.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten]. Just one more benefit given from us to you, the consumer.

Pregame Thoughts

Weston

I lost my wallet somewhere in New Mexico. I lost $20 in the DMV paying for a new driver's license. I'm actually excited for this game tonight. I'm losing my mind.

BFD

For years, I made fun of Pancakes because he clearly doesn't enjoy watching the Texans play (and, during his live-blogging days, not even paying attention to the game).

Yet, here we are: Tom Savage vs. EAF Joe Flacco. I wonder what's on the Food Network tonight.

Luke

Will Fuller's out.

I just ate a entire bag of microwave popcorn and I think that's going to be my highlight for the night.

Mike

Is it wrong that I’m convinced the most exciting bit of Houston football ESPN will show on this Monday night happened when Chris Berman flashed back to Earl Campbell blowing up the Miami defense in 1978?

Weston

I ate an entire sleeve of crackers and this party is just getting started

tGC

The game will be on in the background at work. Yay?

Luke

What kind of crackers were they Matt?

BFD

Yeah, Matt, this might be the best part of the thread!

Weston

Some Saltines leftover from Turkey con Queso night. They go in the baste to thicken that sucker up. I am quite parched now. I may drink a Bud Light.

(Ed. note: I think I’m gonna vomit.)

BFD

Saltines??? WOW! That's as spicy as BOB's offensive scheme!

Luke

You laugh, but I drank the last of my bottle of really nice German Riesling earlier with dinner so i'm going to need to distract myself with Matt's snack choices in order to get through the night.

Mike

:starts eyeballing a sleeve of Ritz:

BFD

LOLOLOLOL!

UT

Texans win the toss and defer. Ravens get the ball first.

First Quarter

Luke

What in the name of [kitten] was that MNF opening? It sounds like someone thought ''Hey Country & Western is good and Hip Hop is good......why don't we add the two?''

UT

Gruden: He's been here for four years, it's time for Tom Savage to pick this system up.

Well no [kitten], Jon.

Luke

That was a nice Judo-n toss?

BFD

On the Ellington catch, we max protected with two guys in routes, they had six in coverage, and nobody covered Ellington.

Man, just poor decision making on the blown WR screen.

(Texans draw a pass interference call against the Ravens)

UT

That pass interference was pretty sharp though.

(Lamar Miller scores what would turn out to be the only touchdown on the night, Texans lead 7-0. Savor it.)

Mike

Love that Savage can recognize a busted play - and still try to run it like it was drawn up without missing a beat.

Weston

Glory be to the all penalty offense

BFD

I think that's the best Jeff Allen has ever done at getting to the second level and making a block.

Luke

Yeah, it's a clear out concept we've run all season One receiver runs the crossing route whilst another drags coverage deep with a post or a go.

Because it takes so long to develop it's usually a PA but the way it develops means if a teams playing zone coverage which I think the Ravens were there it creates space by dragging defenders away from their zones.

Weston

I'm digging O'Brien's glasses. He's in peak dad mode tonight.

Mike

He’s probably counting the minutes till the off season.

Luke

I really like Lamar Miller but I really hate Lamar Miller when Bill O'Brien is his OC.

UT

BOB: Run him up the middle.

Savage: But we just did that. In fact we've run him up the middle 78 times already tonight.

BOB: Exactly! They won't be expecting it a 79th time, will they?!

Weston

I've been saying that I think Lamar Miller is a really good player but hasn't been a really good player in Houston

BFD

I am still amazed people marvel at BOB's offensive schemes. Just...not even paying attention.

UT

This drive died 84% due to [Chris] Clark being awful at his job.

Luke

The numbers which this run game has generated and Miller's contributions to that game are an endless mystery to me.

He's a borderline average runner inside the tackles and yet the Texans rank 6th in total rushing yards. It boggles the mind how that's possible.

BFD

Foreman and Watson really boost those stats, and who wants to let Savage throw the ball 44 times again?

UT (to BFD)

This guy:

Luke

They account for just under half of the Texans total rushing yards but neither of their numbers were so otherworldly that it should raise them that high

Weston

Just because you do something a lot doesn't mean you are good at it.

Clowney is playing like Watt without the touchdowns right now

Luke

Also what in the flying [kitten] was that graphic?

BFD

Am I the only one who's disappointed when it isn't a strip sack?

UT

The lack of strip sacks is a representation of how life is a series of disappointments where hope is but a life preserver in an endless sea of oblivion.

Second Quarter

MDC

Clowney is playing like peak JJ Watt had a love child with the Predator.

UT

They nearly strangle Clowney on the line but a quick hand on a Ravens offensive player is a hold?

My [kitten], ref.

Luke

Joe Flacco running is my favourite thing.

(Ed. note: put this in your back pocket.)

(Fake punt leads to Koch throwing a 22-yard bomb for a first down.)

Weston

Holy shit that was a great throw

He should start over Flacco at QB.

(Javorius Allen drags the entire Texans defense into the end zone for a touchdown. Game tied at 7.)

UT

Gruden: Tom Savage could save the Texans season with a win here

(Savage immediately throws a pick)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

BFD

Can somebody tell me what the hell the Ravens' secondary scheme is? There are multiple DBs not close to anybody!

Savage gonna Savage. I CANNOT WAIT until the strip sack.

Luke (to BFD)

That was Cover 1 Man with a short middle or hook zone underneath occupied by the ILB, it's also where Savage threw the ball.

(Alex Collins scores for the Ravens, Ravens lead 14-7)

UT

Drive safely, kids.

BFD (to Luke)

That's what I thought off the snap, Luke, but there were two DBs not (apparently) covering ANYBODY. It's like it morphed into Cover 2 man during the play. Goodness. On the play action to Ellington, there were at least five in coverage with two in routes, and it was an easy completion. Their secondary isn't that bad. Be nice to see the All 22.

(Lamar Miller appears injured on the sideline)

UT

And now Lamar Miller is hurt.

Can we just autosim the rest of the season already?!

BFD

We have wasted Lamar Miller's talent.

Luke

Alfred Blue.....it always comes back to Alfred Blue.

BFD

I still do not have a clue as to what the Ravens' secondary is doing out there.

UT

Neither does Tom Savage. Say, how would you like to be a professional major market quarterback?

(Texans drive stalls, field goal makes it 14-10 Ravens.)

(Flacco appears hurt for a moment.)

UT

OH MY GOD WE MIGHT GET TO FACE RYAN MALLETT!!

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING AGAIN!!!!!

(Ravens kick a field goal, lead 17-10.)

Halftime Reactions

UT

Also, why the [kitten] do they have a band at the Ravens game? That's high school [kitten].

Weston

I'm gunna take a nap

BFD

This has been a really odd game when the Ravens are playing D. It seems like they aren't on the same page as far as coverage schemes, and they are committing a lot of penalties. We're averaging less than 3 yards/rush, and Tom Savage is still Tom Savage. Yet, we have 10 points because it seems like WRs are getting open at will. Just so very odd, and I don't think the offensive "success" continues into the second half.

MDC

Third Quarter

Capt Ron

Come for the Clowney, stay for the strip sacks.

Luke

Every time we punt on 4th and 1 I shed a solitary tear.

BFD

BOB doesn't think there are more spices other than salt and pepper, and he doesn't care to know.

UT

Glory To All Mayonnaise Offense.

MDC

"'Or-uh-GAHN-o?' What the hell?!" -Marge Simpson quoting Bill O'Brien

UT

I'm sorry but there is nobody on the planet who has ever been excited to drive a Toyota Camry. Not one. Ever.

BFD

I just can't state emphatically enough how bad Joe Flacco is as an NFL QB.

Capt Ron

If the Texans’ offense (without Watson) was to be described as an animal, it would be known as a squirrel with a nut allergy. They get THAT close to pay dirt so many times, and can’t get into the end zone!

UT

There is nothing in sports I love so much as hearing the crowd chant "bull[kitten]!" clearly and on national television.

BFD

The Texans game plan seems to be:

Run the ball up the middle for nothing

Broken coverage for a gain

DeAndre Hopkins for a PI

(Fiedorowicz kills the Texans drive, settles for a field goal. Ravens lead 17-13.)

tGC

Thank god their DBs sucked on that last drive or we would have no offense. Clever play by Savage to underthrow his man so that he could come back into the DB and get a PI call.

Capt Ron

No strip sack yet?

UT (to Capt Ron)

No strip sack yet. Close a couple of times but not quite. We have had a WTF interception though.

Capt Ron

Savage is focused on the balls getting batted down record instead.

Fourth Quarter

UT

I could’ve been playing video games instead.

(Ravens kick a field goal, lead 20-13.)

UT

Pretty sure this game’s out of reach.

BFD (to UT)

Man, that's just three field goals.

Luke

Ain't it rad when you realise the Texans are paying CJF 22 million over the next 3 years.

(Texans kick field goal, Ravens continue to lead 20-16.)

(The moment we’ve all been waiting for, Tom Savage is strip sacked by Terrell Suggs. Ravens recover.)

UT

STRIP SACK! THERE'S YOUR STRIP SACK LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!

Luke (to UT)

Is that the Texans bingo?

Capt Ron

Strip sack on Savage!

He’s consistent. You have to give him that.

UT (to Luke)

Swatted ball, WTF interception and strip sack. Not Bingo so much as Tex Tac Toe.

BFD

Meh, I dunno. It was a fine strip sack. Not much art. I give it a limp five.

Weston

Dammit I fell asleep and just woke up to Savage getting stripped sacked by Suggs. Damn I love being alive.

(Tom Savage gives up interception which defies logic)

UT

I won't lie, I busted out laughing at that interception.

But what do you expect, he's only been in this system and this league for four years. He's basically a rookie.

Luke

5 more weeks folks. 5 more weeks.

Weston

Can't wait to watch see Savage take random snaps as a backup somewhere in week 14 next year.

UT

And the crowning [kitten] in the punch bowl, Joe Flacco running an elite as [kitten] route to get the first down and end the game.

A thirty-[kitten]ing-yard run by Flacco.

(Texans lose 23-16.)

Postgame Reactions

Luke

My reaction is I was robbed of precious sleep to watch this game.

Also please can we skip forward to the 2018 season now?

Hey, let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - DeAndre Hopkins. All night long he torched Jimmy Smith and made some ridiculous catches along the way. Maybe he can trade in his game ball to buy a new jersey since Smith was determined to strip him naked by the end of the game.

Defense - Jadeveon Clowney. He was terrorizing the Ravens backfield all night long, showing everyone once again why he was totally worth the top overall pick in 2014.

Got a different idea about who should get a game ball? Want to vent about yet another strip sack? Or perhaps you want to offer an interpretation on this week’s strip sack? Well, folks, that’s what comments are for. Do your thing.