clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Week Nine Preview - Indianapolis Colts

This is the only objective truth about the Texans’ matchup against the Colts you will find on the planet.

We are at war with Indianapolis. We have always been at war with Indianapolis.

Rise for the People’s Anthem of the Houston Texans:

Comrades! The People’s Football Team of Texas returns to Houston victorious after a 38-34 victory over the vastly overrated Seattle Seahawks. Many fraudulent media outlets will claim that the Texans lost this game 41-38, however they fail to take into account that the final touchdown drive engineered by Snow White’s eighth dwarf, Russell “Drippy” Wilson, was nullified by officials just before the game ended. This was done after the referees learned that Seahawks tight end Jimmy Graham, was, in fact, a horse, which made him an ineligible receiver and cost the Seahawks their last second win. When asked to comment on the play, Graham declined by saying “nay,” and nudging coach Pete Carroll to get his oat bag.

The previous victory aside, which shows yet another new and interesting way the Texans find to win games, it has been a busy week for the collective football might of the Motherland.

Duane Brown, a formerly loyal member of the Texans, has been exiled from the loving bosom of Mother Houston. This may seem a bit drastic for a player who is only back after a single week, but it was deemed best for all that he be forcibly removed from all that is good in the world. Over the last few months, the Ministry of Information, the only news outlet that will never give blatant falsehoods to its readers, has learned that the former left tackle had been exposed to ideas that are wholly incompatible with the philosophy of our glorious team. His views that football players should be treated with respect, as if they were people with ideas and beliefs of their own, are highly corrosive to the public good and antithetical to the glorious team-first mentality that has proven so successful with its installation by Supreme Leader O’Brien. Our blue steel heroes cannot be allowed to think they are individuals; they must be of one mind and one purpose to succeed!

With the expulsion of the traitor Brown to Seattle, our star-studded offensive line will only prove to be more unified, more driven to show what true strength comes from putting the team first above all else. Not that this week’s matchup against the baby horses of Indianapolis’ defensive line will prove to be much of a test, as they are lamentably weak against anything stronger than the expired prescriptions in Jim Irsay’s medical cabinet.

The other big piece fraud spread by mass media and its indifference to the truth is the belief that the on-field Marshal of all Texan forces Deshaun Watson is injured with an ACL tear and finished for the season. Fear not, for that could not be further from the truth. While it is accurate that Watson will not see the field again this season, it has nothing to do wit injury. Deshaun Watson, who is kind and generous in disposition, recognized after his triumph against the Seahawks that his skill is such that no team in the league can really stand against him and his self-proclaimed “New Model Offense.” So to allow other teams to have even the slightest hope, which they do not deserve, he has decided to hold himself out of the starting lineup. We can all only hope to match his immeasurable benevolence.

The offense for the baby horses cannot count themselves as lucky. Their alleged starting quarterback Andrew Luck, who the Ministry has on good authority is nothing more than a layabout trying to bilk the baby horses out of money before retiring to start a neckbeard farm in the country, has been placed on injured reserve. He had attempted a comeback from his last round of bogus injuries after weeks of sobbing and pleading from baby horses head coach, the eternally perplexed Chuck Pagano. Luck’s attempted return was aborted when he heard he would go up against the vaunted Texans defense. Knowing this, he attempted to escape certain annihilation by letting a trusted friend, possibly even his mother, use a jackhammer on his shoulder to look convincingly in pain. But the truth cannot be so easily hidden!

Without Luck, it would appear that baby horses receiver T.Y. Hilton will once again be unable to crack the always-smothering Texans secondary. While it would be easy to take pity on such a lackluster receiver, we must never forget that he has called all those loyal to Mother Houston “a bunch of poopypants who suck.” So do not waste your pity on such a pitiable player.

With these intractable problems facing the baby horses, there can never be a doubt that our glorious Texans will emerge triumphant again! The indomitable might of our team does not need the traitor Brown or Watson’s magic to act as overkill against a beleaguered team. The Texans will only need to do bare minimum to overcome such a worthless foe.

To the inevitable triumph of our Texans, lead us on!