Incompletions: I’m So Sad

Matt Weston

Last winter life was too good. I got a promotion that doubled my pay and popped me off my family’s tit, allowing me to see what it’s like to be a real functioning adult, instead of a sad child or a dirty drifting backpacker. I was in love with everything. But in the back of my mind I had this thought, that kept picking at my flesh, ‘things are way too good right now’. This isn’t what life is like. This isn’t how things how ever been. I was scared. I needed to break my own heart some to soften the inevitable blows that were coming. I needed to be back in the teeth of reality.

So I spent a rainy Saturday at the house all alone, and breathed real air by seeing Manchester By The Sea by myself. Ahhh that’s the stuff. That is what life is like. Pain and misery, dead brothers, burnt houses. Afterwards, I felt normal. I was no longer ontop of it all. Life felt real again. The dream was over. Things partly worked out, but all those grand ideas never fully came together; the fairytale was an illusion and stayed that way.

Yesterday Deshaun Watson was practicing a play. The air played better defense against him than anyone else had this year. He tore his ACL against nothing. He’s out for the year. Who knows how he’ll recover. Hopefully, great! But similar things have been said about other young quarterbacks. Please come back better next year. Please don’t be RGIII.

For Texans’ fans things were too great. Too perfect. Deshaun Watson was running head first into a rookie of the year award and was a MVP candidate. He was so good that he made us forget about the absence of J.J. Watt and Whitney Mercilus. All those years, all of that time wasted trying to fall backwards into a quarterback, all those horrendous Sundays watching quarterbacks: Tom Savage, Brandon Weeden, Case Keenum, [name redacted], B.J. Daniels, Brian Hoyer, Ryan Mallett, Ryan Fitzpatrick, T.J. Yates, were completely erased by Watson’s performance this season. All he did was escape the inescapable, throw the ball downfield in the perfect spots, make DeAndre Hopkins smile again, make Will Fuller V get tired of catching touchdowns, allow Bill O’Brien to use his running ability to create a diverse run game that reanimated Lamar Miller’s corpse, make plays on the move, and almost complete previous impossible feats like win in New England or Seattle. Watson made the Texans a fun football team for the first time since 2014 when J.J. Watt melted our brains, and saved this season once Watt and Mercilus were lost.

But now all hope is abandoned. The season is over folks. The Texans don’t have the defense or offensive line like they had in previous years to make up for the loss of Watson. Tom Savage is going to be bad. This team is going to be bad. I can’t eat because my esophagus is lined with snot. At least the dog is happy. I can’t sleep because the tears never stop. My heart is macabre, my room is painted black, this eye shadow really accentuates the spat of green in my eyes, The Smiths sound so good right now.

As Texans’ fans we know this existence all too well. Nothing every breaks perfectly. Things were too good. Something disastrous had to happen. And this time it happened in the absolute worst way, this time they took the best part of this team and franchise, the first quarterback they’ve had in four years, and shredded his knee like cheap cheese. Things are back to how they always are. Football life is back to how it always has been.

Fakes on fakes

bigfatdrunk

New offensive coordinator Dabo Swinney's scheme had been purring along nicely. However, with Deshaun Watson's injury, the team will most likely turn back to Bill O'Brien's MIGHTY ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE led by Tom Savage. With Duane Brown traded, there's no hope the offensive line will suddenly become below average much less adequate. This will not end well. Franchise left tackles might be important? Who knew?

The best route would be to sign Colin Kaepernick, who could continue to run Swinney's offense. Clearly, that ain't gonna happen. Probably the same with Robert Griffin III, but that one has a better chance to happen.

The sad probability is that Tom Savage won't last long behind the offensive ine because of their play and his lack of mobility. This gets us to guys like Matt Barkley and Ryan Lindley, and this is just so depressing.

It's hard to see the Texans winning more than another couple games this season. DW4's play, the ensuing scheme change, injuries to the defense, and poor personnel decisions are going to give the Cleveland Browns a couple high draft picks next year.

This is Magical. This is a Blue Oyster Cult Album Cover.

Mike Bullock

Don’t mind me. I’ll be over in the corner in the fetal position, wrapped in my Deshaun Watson jersey, rocking back and forth while muttering “The Astros Earned History. The Astros Earned History. The Astros Earned History.”

Even Chicken Little couldn’t be faulted for throwing in the towel on the Texans season at this point.

Man, this sucks...

This Isn’t A Run, It’s A Nebula

Luke Beggs

I wrote this one for you, cause that's all I can do. Sad but it's all true, so I guess it'll have to do.

Kitten today, tomorrow and any other day ending with the letter y. It's times like this I wish I had taken up smoking.

Oh lord is this offensive line going to look terrible now.

Just Deshaun Watson Things

Diehard Chris

I'm numb. I have no response. I'm trying not to be down because we The Astros just won a World Series dammit!!! But this is the all time buzzkill, gut punch, Debbie Downer moment for the ages. I just want to punch all the things. Instead I'm firing up the DVR and rewatching the 9th inning.

See you next year, DW4.

My Favorite

Uprooted Texan

He tore his ACL on a routine play in practice. A non-contact injury just totally derailed whatever was left of our season. The "good" news of all this, if you can call it that, is that the ACL appears to be on his right leg as opposed to his left, where he'd torn his ACL while at Clemson, and he'll be back in time for training camp next year.

That's all I got for good news.

The bad news is that whatever milquetoast quarterback we have under center, whether that's Tom Savage or the cavalcade of Brand X quarterbacks we bring in because Colin Kaepernick is apparently the great Satan of the NFL, will be killed if not worse because we traded away the best offensive lineman we have; to say nothing of the already shattered defense.

Quite frankly, I'd be surprised if we won another game this season given the circumstances. But Watson will return, we'll have draft picks to play with, and possibly high draft picks at that (nobody break the news to him), so there is still hope.

So to steal a saying which is frequently used in conjunction with the Astros: [kitten] it, try again...in 2018.

See You Next Year :(