Welp, the original predictions for this game were very entertaining. Then, yesterday happened and I had to re-issue the call for predictions. Basically we are back to terrible, horribly-played football and score predictions that start/end with a lot of 6s and 13s.
Me: Guys, this sucks, but it’s just football. The Astros won the World Series. Deshaun Watson will make a full recovery and pick right up where he left off next season.
Also me: I DON’T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING. IF THERE IS AN OPIOID CRISIS IN AMERICA, WHY CAN’T I FIND OPIOIDS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE? I’M STANDING IN THE STREET IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE AND THERE ARE NO OPIOIDS. I WILL SETTLE FOR A LITTLE BIT OF THE STRONGEST OPIOIDS OR A WHEELBARROW FULL OF CRAPPY OPIOIDS. JUST MAKE ME UNFEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The last few days have been a massive intergalactic roller coaster journey of emotions for any Houston sports fan. I just can’t, guys. I’m an adult, and my mental health is never tied to sports - but this Deshaun Watson injury reminds me of how I felt as I was walking out of Rich Stadium in Orchard Park, NY moments after I witnessed the historic Houston Oilers choke-job in person. Just - no.
I’d suggest that any of you who might have something better to do Sunday - like a funeral - plan for that. Or just wait for Tom Savage’s funeral the next time we play a team with a pass rush.
But anyway, here are these terrible predictions for whatever Sunday is:
The Texans’ offense will make us all very, very sad on Sunday. Luckily for Houston, the Colts’ defense is so bad that I can’t think of an appropriate word. I’ll go with “sh*tacular”. It all feels like an exercise in futility now anyway with Football Jesus passed on to the Rehab Realm.
MDC: Colts 24, Texans 6.
It's all bad. All of it. There's nothing good in this world.
Luke Beggs: Texans 17, Colts 13.
NOW I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO SPEND MY SUNDAY WATCHING (REDACTED) [editor’s note - this is one of many pet names we have for [UNPERSON] who used to wear No. 17 for the Houston Texans].
UprootedTexan: Texans 13, Colts 10.
Good grief. We thought the Bengals game was ugly. Whatever Sunday turns out to be might make that look like Game Five of the World Series.
Titan Matt Weston, Slanderer of Blade Runner (but a Lover of Blade Runner 2049) and a Huge Fan of the Texas Rangers, Which Will Never Be the First Team to Bring a World Series to Texas and Did Not Just Win the World Series After Defeating Three of the Most Historic Franchises in MLB History: Texans 20, Colts 17.
I don't know, man. Houston is better than the Colts, but it was all because of Deshaun Watson. On defense, they can stop the run, but not the pass. The Colts can't rush the passer, so Tom Savage could have time to throw, I guess. Whatever, man. This [kitten] sucks.
Capt. Ron: Texans 12, Colts 10.
Screw everything. Without Watson, this season is over. We were on a great trajectory, with an incredible ride into history for his first NFL season, and now it's all for nothing. No Watt, no Mercilus, no Watson....screw it all.
Mike Bullock: Texans 9, Colts 6.
Boring football is back.
Kenneth L.: Texans 17, Colts 13.
Look. We were not even supposed to see Watson this season. What we got - even if it was for a short time - was nothing more than a spectacular demonstration of the future to come. There is some alternate reality where Watson, Watt, Cushing, and Mercilus are all starting and playing at their best, but we are not in that reality. Maybe I have been watching too much “Rick and Morty,” but I still believe in a reality where the Texans can still win some games and this is one of them.
Give your predictions in the comments section or whatever.
/searches OfferUp app for “opioids”