Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Week Thirteen Preview - Tennessee Traitors

Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:

Comrades! Words “Houston Texans” are on lips of all those who studiously follow football. They know what greatness truly lies in strength of People’s Football Team of Texas. Admiration of people toward our glorious Texans’ incredible triumph against the Pre-Browns of Baltimore is vast and unending. For loyal football-loving fans and players of Texans, Battle Red Blog will have full replay of game completely unedited and commercial free as soon as Ministry has finished right-ending game to illustrate how great triumph game truly was!

Glory to Comrade Hopkins, who risked life, limb, and potential fines from FCC for his struggle against Pre-Browns. His opposing corner, Jimmy Smith, clearly jealous that he was found undeserving to wear Texans jersey, determined to steal Hopkins’ jersey piece by piece over course of game. Smith’s desire to be part of greatest team in NFL is laudable but methods are shameful. For this, he will never know what is like to be part of great community that has been forged through endless toil of people of Houston throughout permanent football revolution.

Let us put jersey thief behind us and instead focus on those who stole team, invidious criminals who ripped our birthright away from rightful owners, people of Houston. I speak, of course, of hayseeds who claim ownership of Traitors of North Alabama.

When last we left inbred mouth-breathers, their throats were under loving boot of Mother Houston. They were graciously allowed to escape with little more than jerseys they did not deserve. Let us forever etch 57-14 into great pantheon of Texans victories. Let us remind those foul vermin, whose breath could strip varnish off foot locker, of our everlasting dominion over them. Let our glory stand throughout test of time! Let there be banner stretching across Tennessee sky to remind them of ignominious defeat! Glory to fallen comrade Deshaun Watson and his doubtless successful return from surgery! Glory to people of Houston who willed team to 57-14 win! As Traitors have never won against beloved Texans, stench of 57-14 will forever mark ugly period in their ugly history.

However ugly 57-14 loss is for Tennessee, it pales in comparison to horrors that have taken up residence on Marcus Mariota’s lip. According to sources loyal to Ministry, Mariota’s mustache, believed to have been stolen from long-dead singer Freddie Mercury, is psychological weapon against brave Texans. This tragic facial hair should remind all of us who enjoy freedom bestowed by might of Mother Houston what loss of freedom would look like. Mariota does not want mustache, and all right-thinking Texans should consider this creepy monstrosity affront to all that is good and decent. Is moral imperative of all Texans to find and destroy mustache. If we must pummel Mariota during Sunday’s game, whether that requires 57 hits or 14 sacks, it must be done!

Is strongly believed that mustache that Mariota has been forced, possibly at gunpoint, to grow may be cause of his many throwing problems. On season, highly overrated quarterback has thrown nine touchdowns and twelve interceptions while also engineering four fourth quarter comebacks. Comeback wins are just another sign of weakness; means that lesser teams are unable to get or hang on to lead for any length of time. Fortunately, this never seems to be a problem for true leaders of AFC South, our glorious Texans!

If Traitors do not throw ball, which Ministry would think wise since Mariota, mustache and all, has throwing ability of narwhal, is likely Traitors will rely on idiotically-named “exotic smashmouth” offense, which basically amounts to running ball a lot. There has been much complaint among fans of traitorous swine about lack of carries Derrick Murray is getting from DeMarco Henry, and belief is that Henry’s day is done as starting running back and carries are getting in way of Murray’s. Ministry is aware that we are calling two alleged running backs by incorrect name, but names are insignificant and is not worth time or effort of hardworking men and women of Ministry of Information to get names right.

On other side of ball, Traitors consider it worthwhile to note, for some reason, that their pass rush was, for change, successful against pitiful baby horses of Indianapolis. Is nothing impressive about this. Children can get to baby horses’ quarterback. Getting sacks on baby horses’ quarterback is like getting to second base with one’s sister, something which fans of vile Traitors are all too familiar with. More off-putting than that—and that is off-putting—is defense’s so-called “pride” in picking up hapless offense’s slack. They have stolen brilliant and highly underrated concept of contradictory football from Great Comrade O’Brien! This comes as little surprise as hill people of Northern Alabama are well-versed in stealing things that rightfully belong to people of Houston!

Comrades, make no mistake, these simple beasts may not know difference between a bidet and drinking fountain, but they do know what they want. They want revenge against rightful leaders of the AFC South, only division in football that matters. They are determined to get revenge against team that has been sabotaged all season by jealous, petulant weaklings, and Traitors are no exception. This is mindset of coward who cannot hope to defeat glorious Texans at full strength, but this is what we’ve come to expect from worthless Traitors for many years now. Our Texans, whose touchdown dances cause old ladies to swoon with delight in stands, must not allow them to get petty revenge in tiny hearts and tinier brains. We must repel unwashed barbarians once more!

GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!