Hair of the Dog (Colts-Texans): Long Dog’s Journey Into Night

Welcome to Post-Deshaun 2017. It’s not a place any of us really want to be or would ever wish on someone else; okay, maybe Patriots fans. And Chiefs fans. And Tita—you know what? This is something we would wish on a lot of other teams.

The point is, this sucks, and looking at who we currently have at quarterback for our Texans, it doesn’t appear that it’s going to get any better. So you’ll forgive us, I hope, for being a bit down about the team’s prospects going forward this year.

There’s likely, maybe, one or two more games left on the schedule that we have a shot at winning with quarterbacks Huey, Dewey, and Louie on the roster. But at least we know Deshaun Watson will be back next year, and that will be a truly happy day for us all.

In the meantime, here’s what we had to say about today’s game. As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe to read at work.

Enjoy!

Pre-Game Thoughts:

Luke

May god have mercy on my soul i'm writing the post game today which means I have to watch this game.

Also i'm all for Kareem Jackson's move to strong safety and us going to a faux Cover 3 scheme.

Mike

Abandon all hope...

Luke

I'm setting the over under on the Texans Average Yards per Carry at 3.2.

Weston

MAN WHEN WE WATCHED BAD FOOTBALL IT WAS BAD

Capt Ron

I guess I'm glad that work has had me in the 70+ hours per week of chaos the last few weeks, because it is perhaps a hidden blessing not to have much time to lament the current state of the Texans without: Watt, Mercilus, and Watson. I love this team, I want to get excited for the rest of the players on this team, but man this season blows so bad.

I think Tom Savage is a great teammate and person, but I have yet to see him command a series of offense efficiently. He takes forever to process and execute, and I suspect we'll see T.J. Yates under center sooner than later. The defense is hindered greatly by a leaky secondary, and the offense is now missing the magic of Watson to lift up, lead and ignite the Texans. My expectations are low. This feels like a 6-10 outcome for the season, and that's only because they have the 49ers and Colts (twice) on the schedule to find perhaps three more wins.

Let the [kitten] show begin...

Luke

Stop reading Michael Irvin's twitter feed.

Also if you want to have a fun drinking game then watch Gameday Morning and take a shot/swig every time Irvin calls Dez Bryant his son.

Capt Ron

Here's the play that likely caused primary injury to Watson's ACL:

https://twitter.com/Armchair_Texan/status/926239787346022400

That's a late (and low) hit on a QB and it went uncalled.

BFD

Every open thread should be a link to an Henri, the Existential Cat thread. Le sigh.

Capt Ron

I got last-minute tickets and will be at the game.

BFD

Man, Ron, you must've really [kitten]ed off somebody.

Weston

I started off the game preview with the opening line to The Stranger. Between that and my Blood Meridian post I've done a great job generating content just for myself to enjoy.

Oh and did you see the Fournette thing?

The AFC South post Deshaun is strange because the Titans are the perfect antidote for the Jags, but the Jags are probably the better team. It seems like they are going to lose today because of a team photo, and they probably have to finish a game better than TEN to make the playoffs.

Luke

Snatching defeat away from the jaws of victory.

I'm excited to watch a 3 and out for the first time in a few weeks.

Also Matt, Julien Davenport is apparently starting today and I'm so happy and terrified for what Tom Savage's spine will look like after this game.

BFD

Team photo? I'm confused.

Also, any suggestions on what to do with 123 habaneros? My face is on fire after picking them.

Diehard Chris

It wasn't just a team photo. It was a missed treatment and a missed workout. But twitter sure did overreact to the team photo aspect before waiting for additional information. People who actually thought they would sit him only for a missed team photo just need something to be mad about. If they'd waited five more minutes, the rest of the reasons were also released.

Luke

Phil Simms is reading a poem about [REDACTED] live on air.

Am I dead? Is this purgatory?

UT

The only thing I can think about the sudden sinkhole that formed under this team is that once Deshaun Watson wins us a Super Bowl, it will make this all worthwhile.

First Quarter:

UT

That's one sack of Savage, and a probable intentional grounding.

BFD

Looks like BOB's trash offense is back. Not that I should be surprised, but it still sucks.

Luke

Why does ''No one out pizzas's the hut'' sound like a threat?

UT

Because it IS a threat.

(Colts throw a deep bomb to T.Y. Hilton, because of course they do. Colts lead 7-0.)

UT

The moment I saw Jacoby Brissett throw the deep ball I said "aw [kitten]."

That's why.

Weston

This team sucks

I think I'm going to start a family with all this free time I'm about to have

BFD

(TD burning Joseph) That was just sad.

Capt Ron

Lechler’s vacation is officially over.

And there’s T.Y. Hilton, famous speedy cousin of F.U. Marriott, with a big TD.

I miss A.J. Bouye.

Luke

That looked like Cover 4 and Gilchrist [kitten]ed up.

Joseph should have stepped up to cover the route coming into his zone whilst he passed Hilton off to Gilchrist. Instead Gilchrist stepped up and vacated the space in behind while Joseph drifted into his zone.

Jeremy

Offense changed a lot this week, but the defense clearly hasn't.

UT

Exactly what was Tom Savage throwing at?

Capt Ron

Savage will be replaced by Yates before halftime. He looks terrible.

BFD

Savage is terrible, just terrible. This is pathetic. And to think: BOB actively opted for Savage over Watson to start the season.

Luke

I can't wait for the stupidity of the Jacoby Brissett is good narrative.

UT

So here's my Sunday thus far:

There are about 20 Eagles fans here and they broke out in a singing of that E-A-G-L-E-S song, to counter the usual band of Broncos who camp out here.

A Tampa Bay fan who sounds like he's possessed by the Devil when the Bucs do anything good (made only worse by the fact that they're playing New Orleans and a focus of attention).

And shots of Deshaun Watson on the sideline make me want to sob.

Is 10:25 am too early to drink?

Vega

I just got to an airport bar, starting a work trip to Lisbon. They don't have the game on here. Looks like Vega's the big winner today.

UT

A run play that worked! And it's not even my birthday!

Luke

What the [kitten] was that throw?

Also we're subbing in and out LT's. I don't think i've ever seen this.

UT

Yet with Bill O'Brien, this seems hardly surprising.

Capt Ron

It’s like Savage is wearing virtual reality glasses and is playing an unrelated 7v7 game.

BFD

At least when he gets time to throw, Savage's accuracy is deadly. Or not.

UT

Yeah he can hit the back of Colts defenders like nobody's business.

Capt Ron

Davenport is getting smoked like a brisket.

UT

/sees Deshaun

//sobs

Capt Ron

Savage completed a pass....out of bounds. He should play in Canada where the field is wider.

Second Quarter:

Vega

Flip to the Broncos game and you'll feel better about having Savage in there.

Luke

[REDACTED] just threw a pick

Weston

I'm Brock hard after that [Name Redacted] interception

UT

Thanks for killing the drive, Breno.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn misses just barely wide left, Colts remain in the lead 7-0).

UT

[KITTEN]ING GIVE US SOMETHING FOOTBALL GODS!

BFD

Fairbairn is still grieving.

UT

His first missed field goal this year. That's something given the last bundle of numb[kittens] we've had would've missed at least four or five FG attempts by now.

Vega

I'm getting irrationally excited every time I see the Broncos in a passing down.

Luke

These Geico commericials are getting weirder.

UT

Which ones?

Luke

The one's with Jason Witten and now Luke Kuechly just excercising.

UT

Oh that one. Yeah that's a 4.3 on the Quizno's meter.

Weston

I'm all here for Houston zoo stock footage. The diversity in this world is such a beautiful thing.

BFD

Obvious hold in the end zone wasn't called. That should have been a safety.

Jeremy

Tom Savage cannot throw an accurate football. Give TJ a chance.

UT

I hate T.Y. Hilton on a subatomic level.

I hate our secondary even more than T.Y. Hilton.

Luke (to UT)

Hey now! I won't hear a word against TY. Especially considering he might actually propel me to victory against BFD this weekend.

UT

Anybody willing to lay down odds on the likelihood we see T.J. Yates starting at halftime?

Weston

[Kitten] I hope so [UT]. I really hope so.

This Titans game has had the best crowd shots.

Capt Ron

If QBs were compared to sea-going vessels, Watson is an aircraft carrier while Savage is a half-submerged, unarmed skiff.

UT

The more I watch, the more convinced I am that Tom Savage will never score a touchdown in the National Football League.

BFD

Davenport has been holding all game. They have to start calling it on him at some point.

Capt Ron

The guy next to me just introduced himself, he’s D.J. Hayden’s dad.

BFD

What the kitten is BOB doing with these timeouts? I thought Indy called them. So very stupid. Funny how he reverts to being a terrible coach with Deshaun Watson,

Kenneth L.

Tom Savage has over thrown 4 passes already

UT

Jalen Ramsey just got thrown out for basically doing the Rock Bottom on A.J. Green.

Maybe if Jadeveon Clowney were to piledrive T.Y. Hilton into the ground it would make this game more interesting?

Kenneth L.

Can someone explain why we are calling

timeouts?? I am at the game and this is the quietest crowd in a long time.

Luke

Wut [UT]?

Ramsey actually did nothing except get his helmet punched and put into a choke hold by AJ Green.

(Brissett fumbles the ball, Lamarr Houston recovers and returns it for a touchdown. Texans down 10-7.)

Jeremy (to Kenneth)

The only explanation I can come up with is that he doesn't want the defense to get gassed and he's giving them breathers. It's risky but I don't think that TD happens without those TO's.

UT

Our defense has outscored (and possibly outgained) our passing game.

(to Luke) I got it backwards.

Halftime Reactions:

Jeremy

This could be a tie game if not for Fairbairn's miss. SMH.

UT

Okay, I'm still young enough that I don't remember S.W.A.T. on television; just the [kitten]ny movie based on it. But "An American Legend?"

Are these people [kitten]ing kidding me?

BFD

Halftime thoughts: Bill O'Brien is a terrible, confounding coach who sucks at clock management without Deshaun Watson at QB.

Third Quarter:

Luke

Jameis Winston is out in Tampa, Ryan Fitzpatrick is in.

UT

He is beardless which means he is going to be annihilated.

BFD

Savage is going to get somebody killed with his EAF accuracy.

UT

And now there's a fight in the TB/NO game.

WHERE'S OUR FIGHT?!?!

(T.Y. Hilton, it would have to be T.Y. Hilton, scores for the Colts, Colts lead 17-7.)

UT

[Kitten] this defense.

BFD

Wow, that's Kareem's second whiff of the day. A couple a year is rare for him.

Capt Ron

Hilton looks more like he belongs in a Marvel film than on an NFL field.

Weston

I don't know how in the world we watched 18 games of this garbage last season. We all deserve a medal.

UT

The lack of awareness by the defense about players who are or are not down is atrocious.

BFD

My son asked who he should pick up to replace Brady on his fantasy football team this week. I said Jacoby Brisset. Turned out to be a solid move. #shootme

Jeremy

The chances of Yates starting next Sunday are in my eyes 70-75 percent.

Capt Ron

[NRG 70% empty]

Hopkins: “Dang! This place is really quiet today.”

Savage: “Hold my beer.”

NRG Crowd: “BOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

(Colts kick a long field goal, lead 20-7.)

BFD

DAMN!

/Friday’d

UT

#NobodyCaresAboutYourFantasyTeam

Weston

Yeah! You tell him.

Fourth Quarter:

(Tom Savage does the unthinkable and throws a touchdown pass. Colts lead 20-14.)

Luke

FFS, If I have to go back and re-write the post game, i'm gonna be pissed.

Jeremy

REVERSE JINX!

Weston

Name Redacted TD!

What's worse? Watching Savage or watching Osweiler?

UT

THERE IS NO OSWEILER!

BFD

Watching Savage is far worse. [REDACTED] has a special LOL quality about him. [REDACTED] is like a cheeky and fun shenanigan while Savage is cruel and tragic.

UT

I'm with BFD. Savage is terrible but boring. [UNPERSON] is boring but with spectacularly awful plays that are, in a perverse way, worth watching.

Jeremy

Texans beat Colts after trailing by two scores in the fourth last year. Tom Savage beat the Jags 21-20 last year as well.

UT

Don't you dare win this game, Texans, don't you dare!

BFD

That's a catch by Hopkins. Fantastic. Too bad it won't count.

Luke

[Kitten] it we might just win this.

BFD

Savage ripping apart prevent defense.

Weston

I agree to that this Savage [kitten] is worse. At least with [NAME REDACTED] we didn't know any better. To go from God's Son Watson to this is has just been so disgusting.

Gotta love O'Brien allowing 25 seconds to fall off the clock instead of calling a timeout.

(Tom Savage gets strip sacked, ending the game. Colts win 20-14.)

Postgame Reactions:

UT

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL [kitten] you Tom Savage.

Weston

HELL YEAH BABY

That was the greatest way to end this game.

BFD

The perfect ending for the way this team is built. Who knew left tackles were important?

Weston

99% of it was boring and awful and I'm glad I was hungover for it

The 1% was the greatest football I've ever seen

All time game. All time finish. I'll remember this one forever

Hey, let’s give out some game balls!

On second thought, no. I can’t bring myself to hand out fictitious awards in a game this bad.

Do you disagree? Is there someone you think is worthy of a game ball? Make your case in the comments and I might reconsider my ultra-important totally arbitrary award system.