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Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Week Fifteen Preview - Jacksonville Jaguars

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The Houston Sports Ministry of Information has approved the following missive about Sunday’s game. You read now.

We are at war with Jacksonville. We have always been at war with Jacksonville.

Rise for People’s Anthem of the Houston Texans:

Comrades! The people’s football team of Texas, our Houston Texans, continues to flex its considerable might much to the fear and sorrow of the rest of the league! We are all witnesses to the extensive streak of victories the Texans have been involved with, now at 13 straight games! Do not let yourselves be deceived by the lies of slanted sports media outlets saying the Texans were defeated by the Forty Ninnies of Santa Clara! Those are outrageous lies posted by rogue elements who are and always have been jealous of the greatness that is inherent within the football loving fans and players of the Houston Texans!

Their slanderous talk of defeat should never grace any sentence involving the Texans. And any further claims of our downfall will be met with the swift and decisive vengeance of the people of Mother Houston, who never forget a slight.

We do not forget that the traitorous A.J. Bouye abandoned the Texans after they built him into what he is now: a marginal talent at cornerback who has caught several extraordinarily lucky interceptions and been a mild nuisance to low-level receivers. Let us not forget that he spurned the extremely generous offer given by Comrade Marshal Smith. We do not need such unreliable and inconsistent players to corrupt the hard working and efficient chemistry developed within our vastly improved secondary.

The Hairballs and their fans do not think highly of the football-loving fans and players of the Houston Texans. Their linebacker, Telvin Smith or whatever, the Ministry does not find this player important enough to know his proper name, has dared to call the Texans, and by extension the people of Houston, a term of such vile baseness that the Ministry does not even want to put it to words.

But what do you expect from a team and fans who throw garbage at opposing players, trying to get them to start a fight? They openly support organization that prizes the color of urine such that they soaked all uniforms and coated their helmets in urine. It is the color of their history, having been relieved upon by all the other better teams of the NFL. It is also the origin story of the Hairballs’ northern cousins, the Browns, but that is for another time.

As the Hairballs swirl around on the field and make their stadium look like a giant toilet, a totally useful and not at all biased preview of this week would not be complete without bringing up the most incompetent football player since the previous Hairballs quarterback, Blake Bortles. You will hear from fraudulent news sources that the ham-handed Bortles has had a un-terrible year. You might even see clips of him completing passes to receivers who may or may not have been cloned from owner Shahid Khan’s mustache, the Ministry of Information does not like to speculate about such things.

Note, you will never see the fool Bortles’ face when a pass is completed. You will never see his actual passes go in the other direction, despite multiple efforts by lesser coaches like Doug Marrone to get him to stop, usually involving a cattle prod. The quarterback, who intrepid Ministry sources have confirmed is in fact little more than several logs of bologna welded together by Marrone will be little trouble for the defensive fury of the people of Texas, led by Comrade Clowney!

In the first week, the Hairballs attempted to embarrass the proud, hard-cheering fans of Mother Houston, but were thwarted by their own obvious flaws and the stalwart genius of our Great Leader O’Brien. Nevertheless, the Motherland demands vengeance on behalf of her children, and our glorious Texans will have it!

GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!