Hair of the Dog (Texans-Jaguars): Wherein We Get Out The Rolled-Up Newspaper

Let’s be honest here. You don’t want to remember this game, I don’t particularly want to relive this game, but many of us did sit down to watch this game and had various thoughts about it. I’m not about to let those go to waste. Plus if I don’t write this week’s “Hair of the Dog,” I’ll have to write another post later about something else and who knows if that’s ever going to happen.

Since this is a very short intro, I’ve included a bonus video for you; relax, it has nothing to do with the Texans game. Several years ago, a radio station up here in Seattle held a contest for people to send in songs that they’d written and performed themselves called the “Write a Bleepin’ Song Contest.” They put out a CD which was sold at a local pizza chain. They played one of those songs on the air which I happened to catch and I’ve had it stuck in my head ever since. Until now, I was unable to find the song; some kind soul finally posted it on YouTube. So for your listening pleasure, here’s the A Capella Kind Of Guys with “Hannah Is A Horrible Person.”

Here’s this week’s very short (few emails this week) Hair of the Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced by the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work.

Pregame:

UT

Talk y'all, we got three more games.

Capt Ron

This is all I can think of before this game kicks off:

First Quarter:

BFD

Breno is straight trash.

MDC

That sounds like a threat, UT.

Kenneth

Blocking so far had basically consisted of about 6-7 blockers. Looks like the Jags are bringing pressure early to match it.

UT

No, Little Matt, a threat would be to tell [BFD] that if he wins the league and actually sends us newds of him in the jacket I will report him to Homeland Security and tell them that he has a copy of the pee tape.

[Yates is sacked on 3rd down]

Capt Ron

XSF is a “cotton-headed ninny-muggins!”

Kenneth

Why are we letting them get 5 yards on every pass? This is the softest zone for no reason.

UT

I think Vrabel found Frank Bush's notebooks.

Capt Ron

I’m hoping that’s just a stinger on Clowney.

(Jags score, lead 7-0).

UT

Someday Kevin Johnson will stop making stupid penalties, right? Right?

Kenneth

Honestly he hasn’t been practicing all week. Sit [Clowney] down. Do not risk him and the future.

Also - if any of y’all are Key and Peele fans, it looks like Principle O'shaughnessy has quit his job at the school and is now a TE for the Jags.

BFD

Two penalties on a FG attempt? That's so 2017 Texans.

Capt Ron

Clowney is out of the tent and still on sidelines as the offense heads into the field. At least he isn’t heading to the locker room.

UT

Sweet strip sack there by [Yates].

Capt Ron

Strip sack of Yates recovered by Giacamoji. Somewhere on the sidelines Tom Savage feels a tingle and shouts “fish!”

Second Quarter:

(Jags score again, lead 14-0).

BFD

@oraclegif me Blake Bortles with the worst high five ever.

UT

The sad part is I can't even make the joke that him throwing up a high five would get intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

BFD

Son of a [kitten]! I never saw that Mixon was out. Luckily, I started Blake Bortles at QB. #bortled

(Ed. Note: #NobodyCaresAboutYourFantasyTeam. Also, too, you might as well be a BESF fan.)

Capt Ron

That sums up the 2017 season for Houston when the fans are so excited for that outcome that you can almost hear a Denver-esque unified mental chant of “IN-COM-PLETE!”

(Jags score again, lead 21-0).

UT

So here's a question: If you bought this new iPhone that has those emojis that talk with voice messages, who would use the poop emoji to convey a voice message?

Capt Ron (to UT)

XSF?

I’ll consider that Hopkins catch to be the highlight of the game. And with that, I’m off to a family event where even if someone brings a dish of jello mixed with cat food, it won’t be as disgusting as the Houston Texans are this year.

Cheers!

UT

Holy crap, the tarps are gone!

(Now 24-0 Jags).

BFD

Even with all the injuries, these are still starters at the offensive line and secondary. That's 10 out of 22 positions that need serious attention just right there. In other words, this team is not good.

UT

Even with Deshaun playing like the wonder he is, he can only cover up so much.

(Jags score, lead 31-0).

BFD

Marcel Dareus blows through a double team, forces a bad pass, and Church with the pick. As if on cue.

UT (to BFD)

I even tweeted just before the pick "Do I hear 31-0, Texans?"

Why can't I pull [kitten] like that when I say "How about we win the lottery?"

BFD

As if on cue for the secondary, as well.

BLAKE BORTLES 4EVA

Halftime!

UT

I know he has [kitten] to work with but is Vrabel actually a bad DC?

Third Quarter:

Capt Ron

The halftime show that played out in my head was this:

(Texans score on a Yates pass to Hopkins. Jags lead 31-6).

UT

HOT [KITTEN] WE WON'T GET SHUT OUT! YATES TO NUK! TEXANS WILL AT LEAST HAVE SIX POINTS!

(Fairbairn makes the not quite as automatic as we’d prefer extra point, Texans down 31-7).

UT

See? Improvement already!

Capt Ron

Sometime during the 4th quarter I predict Mark Hamill (while still dressed as the old hermit version of Luke Skywalker) walks into the BWW where UT is still posting comments live, possibly "the last fan" doing so, and says:

"It's time for the Texans [season] to end."

MDC

The [kitten] is a Tommy Bohannon?

UT (to MDC)

Doesn't he make like island-themed clothes and have a restaurant or something?

MDC (to UT)

No, that's Tommy Buffett, I think.

Tim (to both UT and MDC)

That’s Touchdown Tommy Bohanon to you.

MDC

Tommy Vardell scoffs somewhere...then returns to his job as a busboy.

Capt Ron

Jimmy Bahama looks up and winks.

UT

/googles Tommy Vardell to understand that reference

//finds him

///nods understandingly

MDC

Whatever. I made an unforced Tommy Vardell reference. Everything else today is gravy.

Capt Ron

The only starting quality offensive lineman for Houston is injured. Martin walks off the field. Time to put in the scrubs the rest of the way please!

UT

Pancakes is screaming to let the clock run.

I didn't even know the BESFs were playing now.

Fourth Quarter:

UT

Bortles getting benched.

BFD

Bortles getting first shot at the post game Coors Lights (because that's got to be what he drinks) and buffet.*

FIFY.

UT

Nah, he's gotta be a Coors Original guy, it's the [kitten]ing Banquet beer.

This defense is complete [kitten] and almost entirely Rick Smith's fault.

Now can we start firing people?

Diehard Chris

Can we forfeit the Christmas game against Pittsburgh? I don't want to see that, and I don't want the country to see it.

UT

Oh [kitten], it's actually on Christmas day? Well hopefully there'll be basketball still on for people to turn on instead of this [kitten].

Tim

The Rockets play Christmas night, so that should help alleviate the bitter taste of failure the Texans will surely leave that day.

Diehard Chris

I came so close to buying tickets for the Christmas day game back in September. Whew.

(Texans lose 45-7).

At this point I would hand out game balls, but who are we kidding here? Instead, I would like to make a brief historical aside and tie it together with the Texans.

In 157 B.C.E., Cato the Elder, a Roman Senator, was sent to Carthage as a deputy of the Roman Republic to arbitrate a dispute between the Carthaginians and the neighboring King of Numidia. The arbitration failed, but Cato looked around at how successful Carthage had been at rebuilding after getting smashed in the Second Punic (giggle) War. He was concerned that if Carthage were left alone, it could once again become a major threat to Rome’s dominance.

From that point until his death in 149 B.C.E. (coincidentally the year that the Third Punic War began), Cato the Elder would end every speech he would give, regardless of the subject, by saying, “Moreover, I advise that Carthage must be destroyed,” or more simply and in Latin to sound classy, “Carthago delenda est.”

The Texans are not a well-built team. There are fundamental flaws which will hinder its growth into a Super Bowl contender that even Deshaun Watson, as great as he is, cannot completely hide. Bill O’Brien has had four years to build a team and get his “super genius” system to get us there. Rick Smith has spent more than a decade, more than a quarter of my life on this planet, putting together a team that can win a Super Bowl. Injuries aside, this is the best they can do, folks.

Because of that, from now until their firings, I will conclude all non-Ministry of Information posts calling for the firings of these two men and their respective staff.

I therefore must advise that Bill O’Brien, Rick Smith, and their staff must all be fired.

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