We finally gave up on trying to get our SB Nation colleagues over at Music City Miracles to respond to requests for a mature, pre-game discussion. So, as you might expect, we are taking a ...different...approach.
The BRB sraff prepared five questions for two resident Titans fans before Sunday’s game against the Texans - Merle & Magae.
Sisters or cousins. Please explain your answer.
Merle: I love all my family. There's nothing better than a family reunion. In fact, my momma once told me I was conceived to Molly Hatchet's “Bloody Reunion” at a family reunion. I don't think that one was every bloody.
Magae: Cousins. Sisters are trouble and you have to look them in the eye a lot more often. Let me ask you a question, “Battle Red Blog” - do your inmates get conjugal visits with their loved ones during the season, or is that off-limits at NRG Clink?
You're Mike Mularkey, and you see DeMarco Murray putting up a Lamar Miller-esque (behind a good offensive line!) 2.45 YPC over the past six game and insist on starting him. Meanwhile, Derrick Henry is averaging 4.69 YPC over that same span. Is it the meth?
Merle: Mularkey is an old dog. He knows what he's doing. Why waste up them young legs when it don't matter? This team is going to the state playoffs. It's a done deal. Gotta save Henry for the very end. That [kitten] brickhouse is gonna trample all over them pansies in Baltimore or Jacksonville. Shet, I wish Mularkey could coach the university too. That would be a real freaky Friday.
Magae: It’s not the meth. If anything, the meth would push Mularkey to use Henry more. Mularkey’s refusal to hit the glass pipe while coaching and/or game-planning is definitely driving a wedge between the organization and the fanbase. I heard he prefers marijuana, which as noted Titans fan Jefferson Beauregard Sessions says - is on par with opium. Ludicrous. Fire Mike Mularkey.
Marcus Mariota is having a terrible season so far in 2017, putting up an easily career-worst 79.1 QB rating to date. What's wrong with Mariota in 2017? Is it the meth?
Merle: Marcus is a spread offense, wussy. I already told you this. He don't hunt, he don't fish, he don't swallow his snuff, he don't know not a damn thing about Dolly or Blake or Johnny. He's a real California boy. Probably puts avocado on his burgers. I think it everyday. Dammit, I miss Kerry Collins. That man is a quarterback.
Magae: Marcus is having a rough year, but you would be too if you were facing your toughest opponent—inevitable deportation. There’s no NFL in Mexican Samoa or whatever.
Are you pro- or anti-teeth?
Merle: I pulled all mine out. Got $1 a tooth. Practiced on a possum first to get the technique down. The thing is, you don't need teeth. The best food at the family reunion is potato salad. You don't need teeth to put down a gallon of that. Got all the nutrias you need in there, too. And if you need teeth you plop these suckers in, don't have to brush him neither. Can save dough on paste and don't have to was your hands anymore neither. That's some real TITANing UP right there, I tell you what.
Magae: My esteemed colleague Merle makes a good case, but I’m doing all I can to hang on to every tooth. Hendersonville, Tennessee’s finest restaurant “Pile of Dead Mammalthings” just (literally) off Highway 31 East - that place has amazing meat, but it can be tough. It’s got that real “pull hard off the bone” tenderness. Cityfolk aren’t likely to enjoy, but if you want an authentic experience - I highly recommend it.
Aside from Jayon Brown and Johnathan Cyprien, PFF rates every other starter as average or better, which is incredibly surprising. However, the BE-SFs of Methoptamia are ranked 25th by DVOA by Football Outsiders. Is it the meth?
Merle: PFF? Pff, I don't know nuthin out about that. This defense loves each other. They play for anuther. They closer than me and my kin. I don't care what them outsiders say. If they knew anything at all, they would be insiders. Champion Football Insiders. Now that is a group I would listen to about football.
Magae: ‘round these parts, average is about 20%, which is some kind of number. Numbers as we know are open to interpretation and largely can be fake. For example - the number 1, worn by Warren Moon, who never played a snap in Nashville. Is that even a real number? Sure, it’s the “first” number, but is it really? Lots of fake websites out there too. PFF sounds like fake (sports) news. What are their sources? Where do the numbers come from? I prefer InfoWars Sports, but that’s just me.