Rise for People’s Anthem of the Houston Texans:
Comrades! Little more needs to be said about the performance of our glorious Texans last week against the timid Hairballs of Jacksonville. To say more about their breathtaking performance would be to cheapen what they have accomplished, and so no more will be said of the subject. Suffice it to say, the Ministry wholly agrees with Hero of Texans defense, and first pass rusher among equals, Jadeveon Clowney who called Blake Bortles, the symbolic head of the Hairballs, “trash.” A purer, more accurate assessment of the so-called cue ball quarterback cannot be found in any media source.
Now that our Texans, the only great paragons of the AFC South, have dispatched with the Hairballs, our homeland will be overrun on a holiday by angry, drunken louts with more brain cells than teeth, but not by much and their favorite team, the Pittsburgh Stealers. The Motherland calls upon all those who are loyal to her to rally to the Texans and stand against the rampaging horde of goons and thieves.
The Stealers owe a debt toward the people of Houston. In the days that preceded our glorious Texans, during the dark days when a team unfit to wear the label “Houston” roamed the sideline, the Stealers began their path toward thievery when they stole the 1979 AFC Championship game from the people of Houston! The ever-present specter of Mike Renfro, his living or dead status is immaterial to the Ministry, haunts the stadium of Houston, seeking only what is rightfully his: a completion in the end zone for a touchdown against the crooks who paid off the referees. Comrades, we must never forget the wrongs that have been done against our Mother Houston by these thieves.
We cannot allow ourselves “time to move on” as Stealers quarterback, and famed lurker of bathroom stalls, Ben Roethlisberger said after their blood-curdling loss to the false “patriots” of lesser England. While the Texans have a long history of demolishing the imperialist quislings, the Stealers failed to do what we did: put them away once and for all. These “patriots,” in the greatest example of turnabout being fair play, forced Ben Roethlisberger to take something he desperately did not want and had no control over preventing.
Their inability to prepare for the onslaught of the “patriots,” a problem the Texans never faced in their matchup, is the natural byproduct of a team who does little more than take what belongs to others, whether that is Super Bowl appearances or the sense of innocence when pinned down in a bathroom stall. It is only most fortunate that the Texans never have to feel so inadequate with their own skills that they must resort to such base thievery; to say nothing of the hilarious irony of the Stealers complaining about an incomplete pass not going their way in the course of a game.
A loss on Sunday for the Stealers would mean settling for the second seed in the AFC (narrowly missing out on the Texans and their top seed), but it would not surprise anybody within the Ministry if they just took the top seed overall and claimed it was theirs all along.
What will ultimately prove to be their downfall will be the fact that the only weapon they have on their team, Antonio Brown, a part time receiver and full time twerking specialist, will not play against the collective might of the Texans. Pro-Stealer news will tell you that it is because of a partially torn calf muscle, but this is an obvious feint. All proud Texans fans know it is impossible for something to be partially torn. Either it is torn or it is not torn. “Partially torn” is a ruse used to dupe the simple-minded, but it will not work on the obviously quicker witted fans and players of the Houston Texans.
In an entirely voluntary interview Brown did with the Ministry of Information, wherein we did not threaten his family with physical harm if he did not comply, he said the following when asked why he will not play in Sunday’s game:
“Lookit here, if I don’t wanna play if I can’t play at 100%. If I can’t twerk, then I’m not at 100%. And just in the last few days I’ve had nothing but coffee, bran flakes, and store-brand chili. If I try to twerk in the end zone, which I would never do against the vaunted Texans defense, I might just launch myself into orbit, and that’s scary as hell, man. Besides, I don’t want to risk being embarrassed by Jadeveon Clowney, who can run me down from the line and tackle me like a drunken gazelle with a broken leg.”
The Stealers will point to their supposed large number of players who were allegedly selected to the Pro Bowl, claiming that the eight players that were chosen is the most in the league for one team. This is again a lie perpetrated by a team who cannot obtain nice things through their own efforts. They will conveniently ignore the unmitigated truth that is the Texans have no fewer than 33 players who have been chosen to represent the only team that matters in the Pro Bowl. They cannot refute this, nor should they. It is unbecoming of such crooks to lie so baldly.
We must overcome these thieves in the night who have brought dishonor to the People’s Football Team of Texas and its fans, we must reclaim the honor of Mother Houston!
To the inevitable triumph of the Texans, lead us on!