Hair of the Dog - (Steelers/Texans): Happy Holi-Dogs

Good morning ladies and gentlemen. First of all, I would like to wish all of you a very happy December to Remember, brought to you by [luxury car brand who, like SB Nation, is not paying my salary]. Second, if you watched Monday’s game, I’m truly sorry for all but about 15 seconds of that battle.

However, as you might have guessed, we were all pretty distracted from yesterday’s game on account of the day’s festivities. I missed pretty much the entire first half because I was still opening presents after a late and leisurely breakfast. I do not consider that time poorly spent.

So today we give you an abbreviated Hair of the Dog. As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. It won’t take a lot of time to read though.

Enjoy!

First Quarter

Weston

Very happy this game is going exactly as we hoped for

Luke

It's annoying me that the Warrior haven't put away the Cavs yet.

How's this game going?

Weston

3 and out and Houston's D is giving up like 8 yards per play.

Luke

Was that Justin Hunter? Like 2013 former [kitten] dang Tennessee Titan Justin Hunter? He's still in the league?

Weston

[Kitten] yes it was

Luke

Oh man watching Alfred Blue try to make a cut is painful.

Weston

Yates can't even throw the ball to Hopkins right now. I'm just watching Davenport v. Watt and it's the greatest 1 v 1 duel in the history of football.

Jeremy

Can we talk about how JJ has worn two different hats in the same broadcast?

Luke

I'm going to be really interested to see how Hopkins get's to 100 yards receiving today. We'll lose by 40 but he'll still manage some way to do it.

What is it with you Americans and your hats?

Weston

I stopped wearing hats because I thought I was losing my hair, but really I was losing my mind.

Joseph unable to get across McDonald on a corner route is beautiful too.

Luke

Vance McDonald did not give a [kitten] about that camera man. He stood over him like he had just dunked on him.

Second Quarter

Luke

Why can that never be Lamar Miller running free in the open field, why must it be Alfred Blue?

Jeremy

Deshaun Yates!!!

BFD

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Jeremy

*Runs down field to 1 yard line*

*2 incomplete passes*

Capt Ron

A person can’t drink enough coffin varnish to watch this mess.

Weston

Gotta love Johnson going for the kill shot, not creating a dent, recovering and missing another tackle.

Luke

Everytime I see T.J Yates get sacked I hear ''If this tour doesn't kill you then I will'' by PUP.

Halftime

UT (finally)

Just got done opening presents. Got a Moscow mule set from my father-in-law he even got me a bottle of vodka, a couple of limes and some ginger beer so I can make them whenever.

I see things have not improved for our team.

Anybody got any funny stuff to say about the game at halftime?

Barring that, does anybody want to list any interesting presents they got for Christmas?

Also, WHEN THE [KITTEN] DID TJ YATES GET HURT?!

Weston

I don't think Yates is even hurt. He went halfway down against a free rusher, and took a shot to the side. He was tired of throwing for negative yards and didn't want to play anymore.

I got an instapot so I'll be making beans in 15 mother[kitten]ing minutes, a French press, and the usual adult man soap and sock and shirts.

I want to know that Luke got. Do they have Blu Ray Players in Ireland?

BFD

Whomever the OC is needs to be fired ASAP.

Oh.

Luke

I actually got my Christmas present months ago because I was broke and the season was starting so I asked to have my game pass taken care of so I could watch the Texans be rad.

All I got were some nice small gifts like a 900 page book on wines and some Skittles. I got myself a few Christmas presents like a new motherboard, CPU and big stick of RAM which i'm going to spend tomorrow installing with some friends whilst we drink all the free booze I got working over the Christmas.

Also, Blu Ray Player Matt? Seriously? What is this, 2013?

Sorry 2006*

Vega

Merry Christmas kids. My mother-in-law turned off the game after the first quarter as we started dinner. I'm considering that an extra Christmas present.

Third Quarter

Vega

So just looked at the game on my phone. Looks like Heinicke is 1-1 for 10 yards, and is now the Texans leading passer. TJ Yates, everybody!

UT

And guess who just got his helmet back on the sideline?

Bless [Heinicke’s] heart, he tried to run.

Weston

and he tried to spin

Luke

IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

BFD

/17 yard sack

Heinecke has a bit of Case Keenum in him.

Luke

Just start Braxton Miller at QB.

UT (to BFD)

So you're saying he'll be phenomenal when he goes to another team?

Weston

Phenomenal after he plays like three other teams and Jeff Fisher

BFD

Case hasn't been phenomenal as much as he's been lucky. Some of his passes look more like punts.

UT

And now Taylor Meineke is being checked for concussion.

At this rate, Luke, we might just get Braxton Miller.

Weston

Case has been really good. He probably should have thrown more interceptions than he has, but he's really been incredible.

Luke

Keenum was always fantastic at arm punting. He and Ryan Mallet just had a gift for those throws.

UT

That we can go three and out without someone getting a concussion oddly seems like an improvement.

BFD

The worst thing about this offense is that it's still essentially opening day starters and TJ Yates >>>> Tom Savage.

This game is a great symbol over the past four years: outstanding defensive effort, and an offense that would struggle against D1 competition.

Fourth Quarter

UT

Hey, DeAndre did a thing! That'll make for a spectacular field goal.

Vega

Is this game as hideous as it looks on the boxscore?

BFD

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY FIE...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

(DeAndre Hopkins makes the most amazing catch of the season, giving the Texans a touchdown and Texans fans the only 12 minutes of worthwhile football the entire game.)

UT

HOLY [KITTEN] THAT CATCH!!!

Odell Beckham, eat your [kitten] heart out.

BFD

OMKG. That is an amazing catch. Look at it all you want, zebras, but that one's gonna count.

(Steelers stop the two point conversion. Texans trail 27-6.)

A penalty on the snow angel? Man, that's no fun.

Weston

idk what makes those a penalty or not a penalty. SEA got one for hopping in the Salvation Army pot last night.

UT

Kevin Johnson is out with a knee injury. So we at least have that going for us.

Weston

My family is shutting Houston off for me.

UT

Weston’s gonna be [kitten]ed, he just missed a strip sack.

(Game ends, Texans lose to the Steelers 34-6.)

DeAndre Hopkins gets the only game ball of the day because of that amazing catch.

Furthermore, I will conclude today’s HotD by saying that Bill O’Brien, Rick Smith, and their staff must all be fired.

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