Hair of the Dog (Texans-BESFs): Coyote Ugly

When your team’s chances of making the playoffs starts slipping away and there’s less and less on the line for them every week, it gets difficult to come up with things to talk about during a game. And admittedly while we try to give you some of the hard-hitting analysis you’ve come to not expect from us, our attention will sometimes slide to other things that are going on or are just on our minds.

This week’s game was just such an example of this.

I won’t get too much into detail because you’ll read it for yourself, I hope.

As always, in the finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been lovingly replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work.

If you find a swear word in this week’s HotD, please bring it up to management for a full refund.

Enjoy!

Pregame Thoughts:

Titan Matt (to UT)

Do you think 'escapability' is a word?

UT (to Titan Matt)

Matt, I would say it is a word since escapable is a word.

First Quarter:

Titan Matt (to UT)

I've just heard all these broadcasters say it all the time, and I don't think it is. Adding ility to something doesn't make it a word.

Luke

Clete's not [the referee’s] real name right? Like that's a nickname or something.

(DeAndre Hopkins almost scores a touchdown except his feet did not both land inbounds)

Titan Matt

That isn't a TD, but Hopkins mugged and ripped jerseys are the best part about watching the Texans now.

UT (to Titan Matt)

But if something has the property of being escapable, which Merriam Webster has as a word, then it has escapability.

(to Luke) That's totally his name, short for Cletus probably.

And that was totally not a touchdown because we don't get to have but one a game anymore.

(Fairbairn kicks a field goal, leads the BESFs 3-0.)

Capt Ron

When Bill O'Brien retires from coaching someday, he should open up a sports bar and call it "The A Gap." He could have Sunday specials where anyone with "Lamar" or "Miller" in their name get unlimited drinks until they are eventually unconscious.

Titan Matt

Mike Vrable is really good at creating easy throws for the offense.

UT

He's got a bit of Frank Bush in him, in that respect.

Luke

Oh a 7 yard out from off man coverage you say?

Titan Matt

Mariota shaved his mustache. Succop misses the FG. Sad!

Capt Ron

Texans lead 3-0 after each team had their first possession. Why do I have this gut feeling like this might be the best Houston will feel in this tilt today?

UT

They've still got their one touchdown of the game they're holding in reserve so we have that to look forward to.

Titan Matt

The Titans have incontinability

Luke

Holy [kitten] what was Andre Hal doing on that blown coverage?

Capt Ron

Andre Hal was obviously working on a Pokemon Go assignment.

Also, Savage is really going to get someone killed today. I sure hope Ellington (the WR version) is OK.

UT

Texans are apparently playing a colossus at OLB with Scarlett injured. He's 6'6" 300 lbs.

Titan Matt

lol who's that?

MDC (to Titan Matt)

"Escapability" is a word (it's even recognized by Google's spellcheck), but not in the context announcers use it vis-a-vis QBs. If something is malleable, it has malleability. If something is excitable, it has excitability. A QB cannot have "escapability," because he is not "escapable." A weak pass rush, however, could be said to have escapability.

I think, in the QB context, "escapability" is just a bastardization of "escape ability" (e.g., he has the ability to escape, NOT he is escapable).

UT (to Titan Matt)

His name is Ufomba Kamalu, and he is all that we should strive to be in football and in life.

(Rejoin footage shows random person jabbing a sword into the middle of the field.)

Titan Matt

HOLY [KITTEN], I HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS THE TITANS PREGAME CEREMONY

UT

Oh look at the BESFs stealing USC's gimmick.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY ORIGINAL IDEAS OR DO YOU JUST STEAL EVERYTHING LIKE YOU STOLE YOUR TEAM?

Titan Matt (to MDC)

That all makes sense to me, and I had no idea Kamulu was that big.

Second Quarter:

MDC

I didn't, either, but now I'm just sort of obsessed with how weirdly out of place he looks. Like someone created a player in Madden and made him way too large for the position.

Titan Matt

If TEN is going to rush three against Savage they shouldn't even bother playing.

UT

Every Tom Savage throw makes me miss the new and improved American Hero Case Keenum just a little bit more; but then I realize he'd probably be just as terrible here as Savage.

MDC

They must hate strip sacks.

(Stephen Anderson makes an absurd catch in the end zone for the Texans lone weekly touchdown. Texans lead 10-0 after an equally absurdly long review.)

Luke

This [kitten] right here is why the NFL is going to struggle to catch on seriously in other countries.

Jeremy

I honestly don't think this game could've started any better for us.

UT

I can't shake the feeling that we're at the point of the game where the coyote doesn't realize the ground underneath him has run out and is still running despite it.

Titan Matt

It's really hard being a Titans' fan today

MDC (to UT)

That analogy works so damned well. Watson is the roadrunner, who is capable of running across that open canyon without falling because he believes in himself and doesn't look down. Savage is Wile E. Coyote, and he's absolutely going to get a tiny bit nervous, look down, and be utterly [kitten]ed when he realizes where he is.

Titan Matt

If TEN doesn't start blitzing Savage and throwing the ball downfield they are going to lose this game.

(Mariota runs into the end zone to score a touchdown. Texans lead 10-7.)

UT

The coyote just looked down.

(Another review of a catch by Nuk, which is upheld.)

Luke

Holy [kitten] let them play football please.

Brett

Is Fiedorowicz done? Like for his career?

UT

Forget Kaepernick, [kitten] like this is why people are turning away from football.

At least with soccer if there's an injury play still continues.

Titan Matt

This is why I love the condensed games. From 3 hours to 30 minutes

UT (to Brett)

This is, what, his third concussion already if it turns out he's got a concussion?

I'd sure as hell be leery about coming back if that's the case. Because concussions come more frequently after the first one.

MDC

UT's coyote comment now has me looking at other metaphors for the difference between Watson and Savage.

Deshaun Watson is Adult Swim; Tom Savage is CBS' current lineup of sitcoms.

Watson is Braveheart; Savage is Waterworld.

Watson is Stanley Kubrick; Savage is Brett Ratner.

Watson is Kendrick Lamar; Savage is Ed Sheeran rapping on a Taylor Swift song.

Watson is "The Sixth Sense;" Savage is literally everything else M. Night Shyamalan has written.

Watson is Seal Team Six; Savage is six dudes in a "militia" in rural West Virginia.

Watson is Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come;" Savage is any song off of Corey Clark's eponymous album.

Watson is my reaction upon opening an Optimus Prime Transformer on Christmas morning, 1984; Savage is my reaction whenever I think about my absurd amount of student-loan debt.

Watson is Whataburger at 2am when you're drunk and Tim's wife is nice enough to drive you for food; Savage is week-old Taco Bell from the back of your fridge when your debit card has been stolen and you have no other options.

Watson is Jenna Jameson, circa 1994; Savage is Jenna Jameson now.

Watson is the American middle class in 1955; Savage is the American middle class now.

BFD

Things that I don't understand how they work but I still think they're magical: DeAndre Hopkins.

Luke

I gotta say, Luke, while bad calls in soccer occasionally drive me apoplectic, I agree overall. Someone -- I think it was Simmons -- had a letter from a reader suggesting the following change for replay: the official gets each view, one time, at half speed; if he can't change the call based on one or more of those views, it's not indisputable, and the call stands and we move along. I think it's brilliant.

MDC

"Because concussions come more frequently after the first one."

Somewhere, BFD nods, gets a headache, and forgets why he was nodding.

/too soon

Titan Matt

UT, how do you like TEN playing Bulls On Parade over the PA?

Watson is The Sound and the Fury, Savage is Lincoln In the Bardo

Watson is The Blood Merdian, Savage is North Water

Watson is Creed, Savage is POD

MDC (to Titan Matt)

Legit laughing of the out-loud variety on that last one.

UT (to Titan Matt)

I'd be more annoyed if I could hear it, which I can't because my game doesn't have sound on, thank [Kitten]. But overall I'm not bothered because this ain't the Bulls on Parade defense we've known in the past. This is more like Bulls en route to the Slaughterhouse.

(Fairbairn shanks a field goal, score remains 10-7 Texans.)

Titan Matt

I FEEL SO ALIVE, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME

Luke, I'm counting on you for a sad Savage injury tent gif

BFD

French toast, please.

I said it last week, but I'll say it again: I am deeply disappointed when Savage is sacked and isn't stripped.

MDC

I'm more bummed when he's sacked and still gets up.

UT

Good things come to those who wait, BFD.

(Succop ties the game at 10.)

Halftime!

Luke

I was already doing it [Titan] Matt.

He and Nick Martin looked like their were in a couple in some kind of drama in which Savage catches a deadly virus and is forced into quarantine whilst Nick Martin looks on.

MDC

Some kind of brain-eating virus would explain his decision-making.

UT

So this is the movie Outbreak, basically?

When do we get to the part where the U.S. Army tries to blow up Nashville with a firebomb?

Luke (to UT)

It comes close to the end when DeAndre Hopkins and Clowney get airlifted out.

BFD

Outbreak mashed up with Deliverance.

UT

"You sure got a purty chromosomal mutation, Ee-bo-la."

Titan Chris

Who is this team's Petey Faggins? Probably Savage for most. For me it's CJF. Just completely worthless his entire career other than some meaningless success in 2016. The thing that will be largely unspoken if he retires or can't continue due to multiple concussions is that his play has been, and is now, [Kitten] awful. Oh and of course he inexplicably received a contract extension.

Titan Matt

I wouldn't say his 2016 was successful. He just caught a lot of dump-offs into the flat because that's all [Name Redacted] could do.

My Petey Faggins is Kendall Lamm without question.

Capt Ron

Tom Savage should open up a “Strip-Sack-O-Suds” next to O’Brien’s sports bar.

Luke

''How about a little Tom Savage package'' are the most threatening words in TV production that i've ever heard.

MDC

But Petey was a 7th round pick, so, when a plucky blogger pointed out (over and over and over and over) how terrible Faggins was, the response from idiots was "but he's only a 7th rounder, what do you expect?!" or "but he's a 7th rounder, so he's cost-effective!" (That was the same defense used for Zac Diles.)

My Petey on this team is Jay Prosch. 6th round pick, useless as tits on a boar, and so bad at basic tenets of his job that I still scream at the TV even though I already know he's terrible. (I would also accept Alfred Blue as an answer here.)

Titan Matt

And they extended him. I'm pretty sure Rick Smith extended CJF, Griffin, Hal, and Prosch to make the Osweiler trade and the 2014 draft class seem less [kitten]ny.

UT

If you hadn't said Alfred Blue, MDC, I would've. Because my reaction to seeing him on TV is, without exception, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?"

BFD

True story: aside from Vonta Leach, fullbacks aren't people.

MDC

Alfred Blue is Derrick Ward if you made Ward huff paint thinner and tied his shoelaces together before the game.

Capt Ron

DeAndre Hopkins should come out in the second half wearing the outfit Rick Moranis donned as Dark Helmet in Spaceballs. If a reporter inquires, he can declare “I’m surrounded by [kittens]!”

Third Quarter:

MDC

...well, unless we're counting players from your childhood, BFD, so that Jim Brown is in the discussion, I agree. In modern (say...since 2000, I guess) football, here's the full list of fullbacks who should be allowed to speak and have opinions on things:

Vonta Leach

Mike Alstott

Tony Richardson

Lorenzo Neal

Titan Matt

I also love James Develin, the Pats' CTE soaked cowboy collar FB.

Titan Chris

Luke - I fell head over heels in love with Rugby 7s during the Olympics. Was hoping it would bridge me into getting into traditional rugby but I could never find it on American TV.

UT

Does anybody remember the last time the Texans returned a punt for a touchdown?

Capt Ron

Quick! Someone toss a portable hole onto the field.

MDC (to UT)

Didn't Will Fuller have one early last season?

UT (to MDC)

I think you might be right.

Titan Matt

I think he missed time with a hamstring injury.

[Kitten] just blitz Savage and force this strip sack. I can't take it.

(Another referee delay.)

Luke

Games like this make me pine for Rugby again.

UT

They're starting a national rugby league here in the states, and Houston's getting one of the first seven teams.

(Fairbairn shanks another field goal. Game still tied at 10.)

Titan Chris

Yes, I think they're called the Sabercats. I believe they will play at that Constellation Field south of town.

MDC

Rugby is available in a really limited sports package on DirecTV. Like, even if you have the package that has EPL and cricket and a bunch of random euro sports, it almost still never carries rugby. Which sucks.

Luke

7's is like Rugby on Steriods(and the U.S are actually kinda good at it.)

It's super fun to watch. The next big Rugby Union tournament is the Six Nations(Kinda like a European championship but with 6 teams) that starts in early February that is always fantastic(mostly because it's got a terrific Irish team).

Titan Matt

I played for a few years, mainly as an offseason sport. 7s is worst sport I've ever played. The field is too big for all that.

MDC

My recent discovery that my lineage is almost entirely Irish (shut UP, BFD!) and not Scottish has me really torn going into the Six Nations next year.

Luke

Cricket's T20's is where it's at. 20 Innings instead of the usual ODI 50 inning test matches(a inning comprises of 6 balls bowled).

MDC

Definitely true. 50-inning tests are absurdly long.

Luke

Scotland actually look kinda good this year. They whooped the [kitten] out of Australia a few weeks ago and might have a decent back line to hang with England, Ireland and Wales.

(Texans get a stop on third down after a successful BOB challenge.)

UT

There's a park I pass on the way home from work there's usually a bunch of south Asian gentlemen playing cricket in uniforms and everything.

I sometimes think of stopping and watching just to see how it works.

Holy [kitten] a BOB challenge that paid off...until they got the first down anyway.

Luke

It's honestly depressing that going for it on 4th and 1 is considered ''Aggressive''.

(BESFs score a stupid easy touchdown. Lead 17-10.)

UT

And the defense crumples up like tinfoil.

Grape job defense.

Fourth Quarter:

Titan Matt

REFS YOU SUCK

Clowney leading the chant has almost made this thing salvageable

UT

Thanks for nothing yet again Breno, you jack[kitten].

BFD

I compliment Jeff Allen on Facebook, and he immediately holds. Sigh. He really hasn't been bad today, but I'm perplexed at the BE-SFs lack of blitzing.

(Ed. note: I blame this comment for what happens with Jeff Allen later.)

(Fairbairn actually gets a ball through the uprights. Texans trail 17-13.)

UT

Why is there someone at this BESFs game dressed like a pineapple?

Titan Matt

TITAN UP pubeapple man has my heart

Who's going to be my hero like Terrell Suggs was last week.

Mularkey just runs this offense and calls plays without giving the opponent consideration at all.

UT

Glory to Tennessee's All-Constipation Offense.

Titan Chris (to Titan Matt)

I think that's Magae.

Tim

The fact that the Texans are still in this game, much less have a chance to win it, is a testament to how bad the Titans really are.

BFD

I'm really disappointed we haven't gotten our LOL turnover of the game yet.

UT

It's coming, [kitten]it, just hang on.

(Jeff Allen, false start the first.)

Once again, we could've had Brandon Brooks, but Jeff Allen is here instead.

(Jeff Allen, false start the second.)

A-[KITTEN]ING-GAIN, JEFF ALLEN?!

(Jeff Allen, false start the third.)

Titan Matt

I'm dyyyyyiiing

(After winding up at 4th an 19, the Texans somehow convert.)

UT

/head falls off

BFD

That's a catch! Oh my goodness that was a great/lucky play.

Titan Chris

I've never seen anything like what Jeff Allen just accomplished. That is truly remarkable. I don't even know how to react. Also, what Tim said. The Titans are a disgrace if they lose this game - and of course just still bad if they don't.

(And then Tom Savage throws and...)

BFD

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! There's my turnover!

UT

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Also, there are BESF fans sitting right behind me.

Kill me.

Titan Matt (to UT)

Are are they dressed as pineapples?

[Kitten] I love this Texans team

(Derrick Henry embarrasses the entire Texans defense, past, present and future, BESFs lead 24-13.)

BFD

Gimel President should've watched Hard Knocks to prepare for joining the team. Gotta set the [kitten]ing edge, President.

Titan Matt

Derrick Henry making the icon proud

(Ed. note: Titan Matt posted this. Take it up with him.)

Titan Matt (cont’d.)

Yes, I did watch the entire game hoping that Savage would get strip sacked

BFD

I can not haz strip sack. :-(

(Bud Adams’ Army of Darkness prevails 23-14.)

Postgame Reactions:

UT

They only needed 34 more points to even out the point differential between the two games.

Hey, let’s give out some game balls!

You know what? I shouldn’t get to hog all the game balls. Let’s let y’all decide who gets a game ball this week, if anybody. Let us know who you think worthy of praise this week in the comments below.