If you are depressed about the Texans, you should take an unidentified, secretive substance to help with that. Just make sure to call your boss (or your boss’s boss) to ensure it’s okay for you ingest, because if you have to lie about that several months later, it will be clownishly embarrassing. I mean, you’d look like a complete fraud. Nobody wants that.
With four games remaining on the schedule, I asked the BRB staff why they’d watch the remaining four games. Or more to the point, what exactly are you looking for while watching the Houston Texans for the remainder of this shattered, bedraggled season? Here are the responses...
I'll watch the rest of the Texans' season because I know full well I'll miss the hell out of football once it's gone. I love basketball and baseball, but there's something about scheduling your weekends around football that's missing once the calendar turns to February.
On a micro level, I want to see Jadeveon Clowney force the Texans to pay him, Benardrick McKinney do the same, D.J. Reader transition from a dude you need to keep an eye on to a guy you need to plan for, Nick Martin continue to show he can be an anchor on the offensive line for the next three to eight years, and DeAndre Hopkins do his part to conclusively demonstrate that it doesn't matter who's playing QB when the guy on the other end is as talented as Nuk is.
This season has not been fun. But 2018 has every chance to be amazing. I'm all in.
At this point in the season, there are no more expectations from me for this team, at least as far as postseason stuff is concerned. I could tell you that I'm looking forward to seeing players develop and the inevitable dismissal of our offensive linemen at the end of the season (preferably involving dumping them in the Mariana Trench, covered in fish paste and a sign written in shark language that says "Have fun.")
And that's all true, but everyone else is going to say that.
So instead, I'm going to take a page out of George Carlin's playbook and say all I'm looking for is entertainment. This doesn't mean winning, it doesn't even mean performing well. I'll paraphrase the hell out of Carlin to explain further.
I'll watch Texans football for one thing and one thing only: entertainment. That's all I want from them, entertainment. You know what my favorite part of this incarnation of the Texans is? Bad football. Interceptions, fumbles, missed tackles and shanked field goals. I want to see [kittens] blowing up and bodies flying around! I'm not interested in incremental Tom Savage improvement. I don't care about new offensive schemes. I don't want to know how Bill O'Brien needs to improve as a coach again. But you show me a Tom Savage pass that bounces off of eight players' heads and gets returned for a pick six and I'm a happy guy! I'm a happy guy!
I want to see hilarious strip-sacks. I want to see Jeff Allen pirouette on a Calais Campbell bull rush. I want to see the offensive line go 95 yards in the wrong direction due to false starts. Swearing, groaning, laughter in the stands, children weeping, exciting [kitten]. I just want some entertainment, it's just the kind of guy I am.
I mean...I'd PREFER the Texans win and play well, but if not then at least make the losses come with a couple of laughs.
Titan Matt Weston, Slanderer of Blade Runner and A Huge Texas Rangers Fan
Watching young players and projecting them out into the future is for nerds, losers, and haters. While the geniuses are out there in their ivory tower watching for the future, me, my smooth brain, my methmouth dog, my Bud Light, and my sleeveless shirt are going to enjoy here and right now. Because every Sunday watching this team is truly a blessing. Sitting there numb for 2.5 hours and growing into the couch quickly turns into fingers gripping the arm rest in those last thirty minutes.
As long as Houston is playing a pretty bad football team, Sunday is a carnival. Since Deshaun Watson went down, we've seen Tom Savage continue a strip-sack streak, the Texans lose twice—once to Indy and once to Baltimore—because their left tackle got beat after they traded Duane Brown, Savage and Blaine 'The Real Merican' Gabbert go toe to toe in an epic duel, the special teams get pantsed on MNF, Pineapple Man, three straight Jeff Allen false starts, DeAndre Hopkins catching everything, a hellfire run defense, and Jadeveon Clowney splattering anyone trying to block him.
I'm here for now and these last four weeks, three of which the Texans will be competitive in (against SF, JAX, and IND). And damn I can't wait to savor each one, and to see how the spectacular end will play out.
The middle of the Texans’ defense, led by D.J. Reader, Benardrick McKinney, and Zach Cunningham is a joy to watch. If anything, that very much reminds me of the Oilers' defenses manned by Curley Culp, Gregg Bingham, and one of my all-time faves, Robert Brazile (though, of course, Brazile played OLB versus McKinney's ILB, but they have very similar skill sets). Throw in a heavy dose of Jadeveon Clowney and the occasional pinch of Carlos Watkins, and this is a fun, young front seven.
I watch because I keep hoping something in the offense will suddenly click like it did when Watson took over. Because I love Jadeveon Clowney and want to know I saw it when he had his career best game. Because I bleed Battle Red.
So now I put the question to you, BRB. What are you hoping to see and/or what are you watching for these final four contests?