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Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Week Fourteen Preview - San Francisco 49ers

The Houston Sports Ministry of Information has approved the following release about the Texans’ game on Sunday. You read now.

We are at war with San Francisco. We have always been at war with San Francisco.

Rise for People’s Anthem of the Houston Texans:

Comrades! There can be no doubt among those loyal to the Houston Texans that the villainous Traitors of North Alabama are not, and never will be, the equal of our glorious Texans! Sunday’s game only proved their inherent inferiority once more; our Texans ensured that the Traitors were unable to even the score against our vastly superior strength. They can never hope to replicate our 57-14 triumph over them, as they lack the inner strength, the knowledge, and the number of teeth present in our Texans!

We have consigned them to mediocrity, and let that be the last we ever think of them this year. The people of Mother Houston must now turn their attention toward a lesser threat from a different band of traitors, misfits, and miscreants: The Santa Clara 49ers. The Ministry would use their proper name, but seeing as the team resides a fully three and a half hours away from San Francisco, it was a glaring inaccuracy. And if there’s one thing that the Ministry of Information will never condone it is inaccurate information.

We must first look at the coaching staff of these purse dogs of the Bay Area. It is a team littered with those who have forsaken you, the peace and football-loving fans of the Houston Texans, in every way, shape and form. Their head coach is the child Shanahan who fled our benevolent homeland to coach with his senile father out east. It is for the best that he left as his stubborn refusal to put the team first above his own familial bonds would make him a poor fit for the greatest team in football. Our Texans would be weaker with his presence; not because of his hopelessly backward sense of obedience, but also due to his mediocre offense, which dissolves like wet sourdough compared to the offensive brilliance of our Great Leader O’Brien and his “Three Point, One Fist Divine Hammer of the Bull Offense!”

Having clearly learned all he knows about coaching from the traitor Kubiak, it will surprise none of you to learn that his defensive coordinator, also an exile, is little more than an equipment manager that has been undeservedly promoted to his position. Robert Saleh’s defense has failed to produce any significant improvement on defense, leading many prominent critics, only some of whom are employed by the objective Ministry of Information, to call Saleh the spiritual heir to Frank Bush, the UNCOACH of the North Alabama Traitors and not our incorruptible Houston Texans as many fraudulent observers have claimed.

But what would be most troubling to all proud Texans fans is the former defensive hero DeMeco Ryans has taken up the struggle against our glorious revolution. Do not waste your tears on Ryans, comrade, this is not the DeMeco we all knew before; this is a sad husk of a player who cannot bring himself to accept the end of his career and has been forced to latch on to any desperate team to remain in the league. His story is one that should be pitied and reviled, as all those who play for the Texans should immediately retire after leaving due to their good fortune. The same could be said of Earl Mitchell, who claims to play for the Niners but the ever-scrupulous Ministry of Information can not find any evidence of him contributing to the Niners, or any team really.

Make no mistake about these poorly named Niners, the lapdogs of the NFL, they fear the might of our Texans, the strength of the people of Houston! They admit their weakness openly! The younger Shanahan, who the Ministry has discovered only recently got his first drivers license, lives in mortal terror of the fury that the Hero of Texans Defense Jadeveon Clowney poses against his ragtag bunch. He fears Clowney the way a child trembles before an angry parent.

I’ll admit, it’s not fun to watch him on tape. He’s a violent player. In fact, after one play, he looked at our camera and I nearly wet my pants. It’s a good thing Jim Harbaugh left a pallet of his in the locker room otherwise I’d have had to go home to change. Our current plan is to have our offensive linemen hold out their hands to Clowney so that he knows they’re not a threat. I know we’re supposed to win but I’m also concerned about the team’s well-being and I don’t want Clowney to tear them apart. That’s bad for morale.

The news that Will Fuller has made a complete recovery from a severed arm in only a couple of weeks also has the Niners cowering in fear, particularly the sieve they employ in the secondary. It eludes the understanding of the Ministry how any team could neglect their secondary in such a way. We should be grateful for the consistently wonderful performance of our glorious Texan’s secondary on a weekly basis.

It is not enough that the Texans project their obvious greater strength toward the Niners, they must also subject Santa Clara, and all northern California, to the right mindset: the one we set for them! Which is why Great Leader O’Brien has said, in a clever bit of doublespeak, that the new Niners quarterback, Janeane Garofalo, will be “a tough challenge for us.”

This is nothing more than a blatant lie spoon-fed to the oblivious Santa Clara media apparatus to lull them into a false sense of security. The People’s Football Team of Texas do not fear any team nor are there any worthy challenges to our collective strength.

If anything, the trade for Ms. Garofalo highlights the endemic weakness of the team. It takes great strength and courage to endure with an inferior quarterback, it is a sign of character to struggle in silence and relative obscurity. The Niners clearly lack that strength within them having traded with the Patriots, pleading with their betters for a better quarterback than Brian Hoyer. So while the former comedienne is obviously an improvement over Hoyer, they cannot seriously think that Janeane Garofalo can possibly be a problem for our dominant secondary!

There is little to be concerned about with this week’s opponent, comrades, as Santa Clara will be enlightened by our revolutionary football skills and scheme. They will learn the truth of our glorious Texans and the superiority of Mother Houston and her fans!