NFL QB Rodeo Leaves Houston Covered In Dust

Warning! Satire ahead...

It’s the wild west! Quarterback desperation is a terrible thing, and this year may provide some of the worst examples of NFL teams overreacting to address the most coveted role on any football roster. Below are my completely useless bold predictions of what is about to unfold between free agency and the upcoming 2017 NFL Draft with respect to quarterbacks and the teams who need them most.

FREE AGENCY QB FRENZY

Where the theme is: "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"

• Browns trade with Patriots for Jimmy Garoppolo. Belichick provides sinister laughter with the fresh refueling of draft currency.
• 49ers grab Jay Cutler in free agency to buy time until next season, when Shanahan is reunited with Kirk Cousins via 2018 free agency.
• Jets snag Tyrod Taylor in free agency after he's released by the Bills.
• Bears sign Mike Glennon, and the rest of the NFL breaths in a deep sigh of relief before full-on belly laughing. Except for Houston, of course. Not unlike the relief that Steve Harvey must have felt when it was determined that “La La Land” was incorrectly awarded Best Picture (instead of “Moonlight”) during the latest Academy Awards, the Texans welcome such a foolish move by Chicago to take the attention off of Houston’s historically bad decision in signing Brock Osweiler.
• Broncos outbid Texans for Tony Romo. A bitter war erupts between the two franchises that lasts for more than a decade about how one team screwed the other with respect to free agency quarterback moves, not once, but TWICE, in consecutive seasons!

2017 NFL DRAFT QB PANIC

Obvious theme: "Reach for the sky, mister!"

• 49ers (2nd overall pick) draft Deshaun Watson to hedge their bets in the event they can't get Kirk Cousins in 2018.
• Chargers (7th overall) draft Mitch Trubisky to develop behind Philip Rivers.
• Bills (10th overall) draft DeShone Kizer.
• Texans (25th overall) select Patrick Mahomes. BRB site traffic breaks records as Texas Tech fans flood the blog with enthusiasm while the "regulars" write FanPosts attempting to organize multiple protests and riots at NRG Stadium.

So there you have it. Your Houston Texans end up selecting a quarterback in the first round for the first time since their inaugural season when they drafted David Carr with the first overall pick in the 2002 NFL Draft. Will Patrick Mahomes be the franchise quarterback of the future? Share your reactions and thoughts in the comments below.