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BRB Ministry of Information’s 2017 NFL Draft Preview

This is the most proudly objective source of news for our glorious Texans you will find anywhere on the planet.

War is Peace. Freedom is Texan. Ignorance is Tennessean.

Rise for anthem of People’s Football Team of Texas:

Comrades! Time that Texans fans look forward to all season long is upon us once more. Is time again for the NFL Draft, that time of year when brain trust of only football team in Texas bestows greatest honor possible onto college players: an invitation to join our Texans in glorious battle against counterrevolutionary forces teeming within National Football League!

All players eligible for draft will plead case before Comrades O’Brien and Smith for why they should be considered worthy of wearing proud colors of Texans, colors which inspire hope in hearts of all who see them and songs in most virtuous poets of Mother Houston.

But who will be selected by Texans? Who will be so honored with a pick by team that makes all other teams within league, and whatever Tennessee is, look meager by comparison? That, my good comrades, is most classified secret known only to three people on this planet. Our leaders, O’Brien and Smith, with input from Great Commissar McNair, working in harmony without even slightest tinge of rancor or discord, rumors of which have been manufactured by media outlets who are jealous they do not get to write exclusively about Texans, have built wall of players who they have deemed worthy of being named as battle red-wearing brethren of People’s Football Team of Texas!

Since nobody truly knows who our brilliant and incredibly prescient leadership will do today, that opens up many questions about who will be taken first and what position will be filled first. While team is stacked at absolutely every position, that doesn’t mean our glorious Texans can slack off with any picks available to them.

There has been rampant speculation about team taking quarterback with first round pick, which would be first time since foundation of team that a quarterback was taken in the first round by Texans, that quarterback, of course, being [UNPERSON]. It was expected that quarterback question would be settled before draft. However, few expected that abject cowardice of Tony Romo would chase him out of football entirely rather than take rightful place as quarterback for Texans. It is little surprise, however, as Romo would not have been familiar with degree of scrutiny that comes with limelight of being starting quarterback for Texans.

But it seems that duty will fall onto loyal Texans quarterback Tom Savage this year. However, that does not quell rumors of Texans looking for quarterback of the future. If anything, it magnifies them. In fact, sources close to Ministry have confirmed that four highest rated quarterbacks in this year’s draft, all of whom want to be members of Texans and will not be happy with any other team, or whatever Tennessee is, have taken to offering considerations to O’Brien, Smith, and McNair for privilege of being named quarterback of the future of Texans’ indefatigable juggernaut.

Deshaun Watson has already sent dozen lovely fruit baskets to brain trust, each of which was artfully arranged to spell “Draft Deshaun.” Mitch “Mitchell” Trubisky showered them with gift cards to Killen’s Steakhouse. But Patrick “Patrick” Mahomes went step further and sent each of them what is being termed by Ministry of Information as “women of negotiable affection” which O’Brien and McNair politely declined. Marshal of Texans Rick Smith was unable to comment.

There are other options for Texans as well. Because media outlets insist on forcing Vince Wilfork into retirement and Wilfork being unavailable to refute these statements, due to him being secluded in cabin in east Texas working tirelessly to replicate pancake recipe made famous in “Uncle Buck,” defensive tackle could be direction Texans go instead, taking Malik McDowell to demolish any interlopers who would interfere with rightful sacking of non-Texans quarterback. Should they go that route, Supreme Leader O’Brien fully expects Wilfork would do his duty by putting team first and retiring to make room for defensive tackle.

Same with offensive line. While Texans’ offensive line remains positively stout and replete with talent, the Texans could make wily pick by taking lineman to groom as heir to Duane Brown or as replica for irreplaceable right tackle Derek Newton. Garett Bolles and Cam Robinson could be option here depending on availability and Derek Newton’s willingness to be good teammate and put team above himself, as is expected of all football loving fans and players of Houston Texans.

There are risks, however, in being apple of all draft-worthy players’ eyes. This desire by all players to be part of Texans has stirred up most bitter jealousy within all other teams in league, and whatever Tennessee is. Ministry sources have indicated that these other teams, and Tennessee, intend to sabotage Texans and their picks by any means necessary. These reports state that sabotage being planned could range from simple pranks, such as Jacksonville’s plan to cut all phone lines between Kirby Drive and Philadelphia, to crimes against humanity, wherein agents of Marshal Belichick will use polonium to poison any member of Texans’ staff who would risk running draft card to the podium. The draft is lot of fun but is also fraught with dangers by those whose hearts have been turned black by hatred of People’s Football Team of Texas.

As for rest of draft, expect Texans to use next three days as a showcase to display vast moral, cultural, philosophical, and football superiority of Mother Houston. It starts with second round of the draft, wherein Hero of Texans Receivers Andre Johnson will announce next lucky player to join stratosphere of football world. Our third round picks will be given by Comrade Brian Cushing, mainly as show to rest of league that fans and team of Mother Houston will not be intimidated by threats! And to show just how far football revolution of Texans has spread, all but last pick in third day will be made by astronauts on board International Space Station. The reach of Texans spreads far, comrades, even into icy abyss of space. No team in he league, or Tennessee, can ever hope to stop what Texans have built, and no team can hope to stop glorious Texans on field next year once we have re-armed in draft.

Texans cannot be stopped, not by league, not by sabotage, and not by cowardice of highly overrated quarterbacks. This will be yet another championship season for football loving fans and players of Texans, paragon of Mother Houston and example of virtue to all who see them.