Rise for Battle Hymn of People’s Football Team of Texas:
Comrades! The time to celebrate our glorious Texans bringing Super Bowl home to Mother Houston has come to an end. In their constant efforts to maintain championship-caliber team for enjoyment of all true, loyal Texans, new path has been forged by our Great Leader comrade O’Brien and Marshal of Texans Rick Smith. Much as highly successful All Field Goal Offense has revolutionized way our glorious Texans scores points on weekly basis, this New Way Forward will prove to be quantum leap in pursuing and acquiring free agents.
In order to pave The New Way Forward, certain enemies of Mother Houston had to be expelled from team for greater good. None of these was more important and more necessary than purge of failed quarterback and possible failed human-giraffe hybrid Brock Osweiler. As most good and worthy Texans fans know, traitor Osweiler was due to remain with only team in professional football that matters for another year at hideously high, and utterly unjustifiable, expense to the team.
Our Great Leader asked, in his typical calm and measured manner, that selfish Osweiler surrender the $64 million that was due to him next year; money Osweiler cruelly refused to relinquish for good of the team would have helped People’s Football Team of Texas protect some highly prized free agents. Never forget, comrades, other 30 teams, and whatever Tennessee is supposed to be, are always hovering like vultures over vast reserves of talent collected by ingenious efforts of Texans’ front office.
Coward Osweiler refused Comrade O’Brien’s generous terms, tore up agreement and, in a fit of ill-placed anger, took swing at our beneficent leader! Fortunately, his punch, like 97% of his throws last season, failed to connect with intended target, and our leader emerged unscathed.
Private security forces of Great Commissar McNair led Osweiler to dimly lit room deep in bowels of football stadium of the people of Houston. Osweiler confessed to his treason against Mother Houston after being subjected to countless hours of watching video of him playing quarterback last season. His crimes include setting up unfortunate George Godsey as patsy for own villainous machinations, giving copies of Texans’ playbook to defensive players on all 30 professional football teams and whatever Tennessee is, acting as Trojan horse for insanely jealous John Elway to sabotage one professional football team of Texas, our glorious Texans, and hiking price of beers at NRG Stadium to unconscionable $39 per cup.
Word of Osweiler’s treachery has spread far and wide throughout football world. For his actions, the ever wise and just Marshal Rick Smith, may his contract live 10,000 years, has sentenced traitor to harshest sentence possible, permanent exile to football equivalent of Siberia: Cleveland. And as of this moment, name of traitor, unperson who perpetrated these vile acts against Mother Houston shall never be uttered again by all those loyal to Mother Houston. Traitor and his name shall be relegated to ash heap of history where he, and it, belongs!
But removal of traitors to he team and city is only part of solution. What makes The New Way Forward such genius is its simplicity. Is so simple it can be explained in two words: Do Nothing.
That’s what it might appear to untrained eye, comrades, but as with all plans from Comrades O’Brien and Smith, there is far more than meets eye. System hinges on two equally important pillars.
First is to not sign potential Texans free agents and “allow” them to leave cozy confines of NRG Stadium and loving bosom of Mother Houston, which they would not ordinarily want to do unless asked to do so for good of team. Once these brave heroes of revolution find themselves snatched up by numerous bottom feeders of league, who are all desperate to weaken the indefatigable Texans juggernaut by any means possible, they will tell new teammates about wonder of being member of Texans and how they would have to adapt to life of meager adequacy with new team.
Second pillar is to leave team as is by not bringing in any new free agents to team. This stroke of genius will serve dual purpose by adding air of exclusivity to greatest football team in league, and only one whose fortunes truly matter to the health of the NFL. Other purpose is that apparent “gaps” in team will not fail to draw attention of few highly talented players on other teams.
This two-prong approach to The New Way Forward will have talented players begging, pleading, demanding either trade or outright release so they, after being told of football utopia that awaits them in Houston, will fall over themselves to be one of exclusive few to be signed by one team that refuses to sign just any riff-raff free agent off streets! Soon, A.J. Bouye, Quintin Demps, John Simon, Don Jones, and Oday Aboushi will have ear of new respective teams’ best players. Their honeyed words will stir feelings of loyalty and true patriotism toward Texans and most bitter enmity toward current team for obvious shortcomings.
Already, comrades, you can see The New Way Forward taking hold, gripping hearts of prospective Texans, even as close as decadent fools who reside in lower Oklahoma! Their quarterback, Tony Romo, has made clear his true loyalties lie with People’s Football Team of Texas and that he wants to be freed from shackles that bind him to Oklahoma.
Unfortunately, te reactionary supreme dictator of team from Oklahoma, Jerry Jones, refuses to do right thing and instead clings to quarterback Romo out of purest of spite toward him, toward Mother Houston, and, most of all, toward our mighty Texans! It is beyond clear that Jerry Jones is enemy of freedom and hates all those who have it as well as those who strive to obtain it. Ministry of Information, on behalf of football loving fans and players of Houston Texans, demands that imperialist fools of Oklahoma do right thing and release Tony Romo from bonds of unjust servitude. If these demands are not met fully and without reservation, drastic action will be taken to liberate unfortunate quarterback in name of freedom and righteousness!
Comrades, if The New Way Forward has already inspired players from Oklahoma to try and defect to our ranks, imagine effect our inside agents will have on enemies in Jacksonville, Indianapolis, and whatever the hell Tennessee is supposed to be. In due time, even teams like false “patriots” of lesser England shall succumb to players’ demands to be traded to Houston! Other teams will tremble at Texans’ uncanny ability to haul in prized free agents, all of whom will insist on signing for league minimum because opportunity to play for only football team that matters would be payment enough. There can be no doubt that The New Way Forward will bring final pieces to puzzle necessary for yet another championship campaign for glorious Texans!
GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON! GLORY TO PEOPLE’S FOOTBALL TEAM OF TEXAS! GLORY TO GREAT LEADER O’BRIEN AND RICK SMITH!
TRIUMPH OF TEXANS LEADS US ON!
Comrades, Minister of Information has taken to Twitter to spread word about People’s Football Team of Texas. It is your moral obligation to give him a follow and help propagate revolution!