Skylines, Beaches, and Culture: Ranking NFL Broadcast Transitions (Part Two)

If you missed it, Part One of these rankings can be found here. Let’s get on with it.

16. Denver Broncos Average: 18

Matt: So ‘Rado, brah. (13)

UT: You know, if it was Osweiler on those skis he would never run into any trees because he never connected on anything. Oh shut up, that was funny! (23)

Luke: ‘Rado was so last year, Matt. It’s all about the ‘’GuhNarly’’ now. (18)

15. Philadelphia Eagles Average: 16.33

Matt: I wonder how many hot dogs and cups of change they had to throw to get the homeless out of the shot. (23)

UT: Did you ever notice that it looks like the L is kicking the O in that sculpture? I don’t have any brothers, but I imagine that must be what brotherly love is like: kicking the crap out of each other but you stick together because otherwise...otherwise...I got nothing. (11)

Luke: My favorite part is the guy at the end coming up to the girls and trying to get in on the photo action ;) . (15)

14. San Francisco 49ers Average: 15

Matt: San Francisco is a hellscape. It’s the worst city in America. It’s 60 degrees all year long. You have to wear a jacket at night during the summer despite being next to the ocean. I didn’t know this at the time and I am still shivering to this day. (26)

UT: I think I’ve seen this exact same shot in the opening credits of “Full House.” But I can see why they’d use it. Like New York with the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building, it’s been done to death. Show me freakin’ Lombard Street or something! (13)

Luke: That is such a beautiful bridge and such a gorgeous view. It feels like it shouldn’t exist. It’s this endless ribbon of red across an expanse of blue, all whilst being embedded in the clouds. I could look at this GIF all day and be engrossed by every single detail. (6)

13. Tennessee Titans Average: 14.33

Matt: I like Johnny Cash. But the majority of country music you hear in Nashville is a Brad Paisley lookalike singing cover songs that you wouldn’t even want to hear the first rendition of while driving a truck. (18)

UT: Trust Tennessee to lay claim to something else that doesn’t belong to them. And while I do like some of Cash’s songs (the ones I’ve heard anyway), I have to think that Cash would be kind of embarrassed by this GIF. Cash was, according to highly-placed sources, a humble guy whose songs dealt with sorrow, moral tribulation, and redemption. Now look at the GIF. Look at these Keith Urban-listening dweebs who wouldn’t know moral tribulation if it bit them in a really sensitive part of their anatomy. Which I would not object to, by the way. (21)

Luke: I love Johnny Cash. It’s weird because any time I’ve thought about country music, I keep harking back to that stupid Tim McGraw song about trucks. Cash was so damn good, though. His album at Folsom Prison is still one of my favorite live records of all time for nothing else other than a rendition of ‘’Cocaine Blues’’ that could start a riot in a retirement home. (4)

12. Atlanta Falcons Average: 14

Matt: This place is spectacular. I have to go. It’s a shame they didn’t include the whale shark. (8)

UT: Those are some magnificent looking fish there. Just so shiny and swimmy and stuff. Notice they’re not showing any octopi in this GIF. I assume it’s because they’re all hiding while plotting to take over the world. (9)

Luke: My memories of aquatic life are unfortunately not positive. The town over from mine had an exceedingly depressing aquarium that was populated by what appeared to be either dead or heavily sedated octopi. Also, when I was younger, my town would become a hotbed for massive swarms of jellyfish during the summer months, so the only months of the year where it was actually preferable to swim would see us forced to gamble on getting stung by swarms of jellyfish. (Bleep) jellyfish. (25)

11. Chicago Bears Average: 13.33

Matt: Unlike baseball stadiums that are unique, usually part of the city center, and show the best a city has to offer, NFL stadiums are all the same. Large buildings in the middle of nowhere with expensive parking, and on the inside they are all pretty much identical. Yet, Soldier Field looks really neat. I would like to watch a game here rather than stay at home, survive a 16-13 Texans’ win, and wait until the condensed versions are out. (11)

UT: There are two things that Soldier Field has going for it: the Greco-Roman columns and the fact that it’s not named Sony’s Soldier Field or something equally stupid. Other than that, it’s a pretty unimpressive looking place with a field that may have been airlifted from No Man’s Land during the Battle of Verdun in World War I. (14)

Luke: I echo that sentiment in regards to the marketing, UT. There are some stadiums around the world that are just so damm beautiful and pure that it would completely ruin them to slap a massive corporate logo onto them. Some of those historical shots are pretty neato, too. (15)

10. Cincinnati Bengals Average: 12.67

Matt: I’ve been a bad boy. Pour that vat all over me. Sing to me until it hardens into a crust and creates a new batch of flesh. With a shot from a hammer and chisel, the chili exoskeleton breaks. I am new. I am better. I am my purest and final self. (5)

UT: I will never understand why the people of Cincinnati insist on dunking a perfectly okay-ish hot dog into a big steaming vat of meat(?)-infused diarrhea. Nobody is happy with this meal. Look at the people in this GIF. Ain’t nobody happy here. The person serving it is not happy to serve it. The person receiving it is unhappy eating it. If cheese had emotions, it would be calling a suicide prevention hotline upon being placed upon and melting into the atrocity that Cincinnati has the nerve to call chili. Let’s just call this what it is: an affront to all respectable eating-type objects the world over. (30)

Luke: I have never had chili, nor ever had the opportunity to actually get some. That being said, I know Texas holds chili very near and dear to its admittedly clogged heart. That big pot of chili looks like fecal material. I know it’s not poop, but the aesthetic of it is just so damn ugly I can’t help but think it’s poop. Also, I take issue with the fact that there is a bib involved in the consumption of this product. What grown adult/respectable hall of dining has ever had need of a bib except in the case of children? Oddly enough, the more I think on this, the more I come to the conclusion that Skyline is a restaurant specifically for children. Think about it. You get a bib to help you stay clean because you clearly can’t navigate the arduous transfer of food from plate to mouth without dousing yourself in your dinner. There’s also the fact that the food is so deconstructed that even a child without teeth could eat there. All of that being said, I’d demolish one of hot dogs if given the chance. (3)

9. Cleveland Browns Average: 8.67

Matt: This is a very hot dog. This dog makes me smile. (11)

UT: The fact that this dog is smiling is proof positive that it is not a fan of the Cleveland Browns; no dressing him up in various Browns-related garb will not change that. If I had to guess, this dog would most likely be a Denver Broncos fan. That said, it (I’m not specifying gender because I respect its privacy) does seem to be a very good dog. 12/10. Would definitely pet at least once. (6)

Luke: This good dog does not need to have its name smeared by being associated with the Cleveland Browns. Someone please clear this good dog’s name.

8. Oakland Raiders Average: 8.33

Matt: After dying, Al Davis took JFK’s puny little flame and made it hardcore. This is so metal. Yet there are so many questions I have now that the team is moving to Las Vegas. Will the flame go with them? Will they drive it attached to some enormous propane tank to keep it burning for eternity? Will Davis haunt the team from his grave because they moved him from his rightful home? (7)

UT: I’ve always said that more NFL stadiums need to have large, exposed flames within easy access of densely-packed drunken fans. The risk of having some drunk rip off his clothes, trying to put out the eternal flame with the fire extinguisher that was given to him, will undoubtedly be reduced when the Raiders move to Las Vegas. (1)

Luke: I just have the image of a big 18 wheeler’s cargo hold being completely on fire while it tears down a highway due in inappropriate storing of the Al Davis flame. Thanks, Matt. (9)

7. Baltimore Ravens Average: 8

Matt: Ravens are too damn smart. These monocle wearing, monopoly playing bastards sit around the trees and squawk their plans of total annihilation and conquest. Once humans ruin this planet for themselves, the Ravens will rebuild Earth to their liking. (9)

UT: That’s a very pretty bird. And like Matt said, they’re smart as hell too. As evidenced by this video of ravens figuring out a water displacement puzzle. I disagree, however, that ravens will rebuild the world to their liking. Everybody knows the octopi will inherit the earth first. (7)

Luke: I’m all for teams adopting their names from literary creations. Baltimore got super lucky having Edgar Allen Poe as a local resident, though. Imagine naming a team after one of Stephen King’s creations. The league would never quite be the same once they had the Baltimore ITs to deal with. (8)

6. Detroit Lions Average: 7.33

Matt: It’s like Gran Torino without the slurs. (17)

UT: If Minnesota’s GIF is stadium porn, this is a stadium snuff film. It’s fascinating to look at (The Silverdome, not snuff films! Sheesh.) how far it’s gone and that nobody has done anything to it since it was put out to pasture in 2001. It makes what the City of Houston has done with the Astrodome look downright competent. I mean, I understand the City of Detroit (or I guess Pontiac, as the case may be) has had some problems, but you’d think at some point they’d finally just up and demolish it. (3)

Luke: I am Ozymandis, King of Kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and weep. There is something quite beautiful about empty stadiums or even discarded ones. Just looking out upon it feels like a blank canvas upon which you could imagine thousands of people screaming and cheering for an average Lions team. It’s a very visceral and tangible doorway to the past. We should open up empty stadiums for people just to walk around. (2)

5. San Diego Chargers Average: 7

Matt: Time doesn’t exist. It’s human fabrication created to add order to mortality. It especially doesn’t exist in San Diego. It’s always 75 degrees. It’s always very nice. Every day is the same. It never changes. I don’t think the Spaniards every really left. They are probably still hanging around these gorgeous golden plated gardens dedicated to the big guy upstairs. (6)

UT: I’ve never been to San Diego, but this building alone would sell me on a visit. The rococo (I’m guessing) architecture and pleasant looking climate would make for a fine day of avoiding thinking about the Chargers (if I were a San Diegan). (4)

Luke: I can’t help but think of an old fashioned Byzantine bazaar entrance when I see this. It’s the kind of architecture that just makes you think of an opulent bath house where a large man is being fed grapes by a harem of women whilst also being fanned by a palm leaf. (11)

4. Arizona Cardinals Average: 7

Matt: The Grand Canyon is the most spectacular place on Earth. When I first saw it, something bubbled up inside of me that has never gone away. It’s six billion years of rock being battered by wind and water. Nature can do more than man ever can. And every time I see it, I think about how infinitesimal my life is, how lucky I am to be alive at a time where mine could ever intersect with that place.

This would be my number one, BUT...Arizona is like four hours from the Grand Canyon. This is valor stealing. (4)

UT: I’ve never been really interested in the Grand Canyon. I’ve seen pictures of it and have been quite content to leave it at that. But the shot they use in this GIF is really impressive. Just seeing the sheer vastness of the chasm is enough to get me to appreciate what Big Matt sees in it, a testament to the forces of nature, although I’m still not sure I’d want to see it in person. It’s also a pretty apt, if sarcastic, metaphor for the Houston Texans. Sure, it may not look like much now, but give it an eon or two and just watch what happens. (10)

Luke: It looks like a scene from another world. It’s just this seemingly endless series of gorges and valleys spanning as far as the eye can see. There’s a unique sense you get standing around any of these naturally formed areas. I got it when I went to the Cliffs of the Moher and stood at the edge, looking out onto the vast Atlantic Ocean that separates Ireland and the U.S. It’s this feeling of being minuscule in comparison to all that surrounds you. Just looking at the Grand Canyon brings out the same emotions. (7)

3. New Orleans Saints Average: 6

Matt: New Orleans may smell like piss, but it’s worth it to watch and dance around to someone playing the spoon chest. I’m sure this is what Chris Cornell wrote that song about. (3)

UT: These might be the coolest men associated with the sport of football. No matter how poorly the New Orleans Saints play, and they will play poorly, these guys will always be there playing the washboard, blasting on a trumpet, and generally just having a fine old time. It’s kind of Buddhist in a way. The suffering of really awful football will pass; just focus on the now and focus on the music. Inner peace with a catchy beat. (2)

Luke: Never has there been a more eloquently played instrument than a washboard. (13)

2. Seattle Seahawks Average: 4.67

Matt: Hell. Yes. I’m going to leave my job, leave everything, move to Seattle, get a job at the fish market, catch a fish, spike it, hop back on a plane and fly back home. Man, I love this cold and slippery glovemanship. (1)

UT: I’m not sure I can really give an objective rating to this since I live here. Not because I think it’s the best thing on here; mostly because I see it so often during Seahawks games (and in person when I go to Pike Place Market) that it’s become kind of ho-hum for me. It’s still a great shot and so quintessentially Seattle that it’s still pretty high in my rankings. (8)

Luke: Never have I ever seen two people get so excited at the prospect of playing catch with what is essentially a twitching bar of soap. It is a cool trick, though. If I worked there, I would never stop bragging about the fact that I fish toss on the daily. (5)

1. Buffalo Bills Average: 2.67

Matt: I love how even CBS is in on keeping up with the shivering drunken debauchery that Buffalo is now known for. The only thing this is missing is some good old concourse pissing. (2)

UT: Bills fans might possibly be my favorite fan base of a team that I could not give two wet (bleeps) about. If you want to have a good time, look up stories/videos about the loutish behavior of some of their more idiotic fans (usually on Deadspin, go figure). The ridiculous stunts that they pull simply because they’re able to do it are worth the price of admission alone (and since you’re not paying anything, doubly so). (5)

Luke: These men and women are the true heroes we need in this world. Once every Sunday, they commit to the sacred ritual of stripping their body and souls of dignity and engaging in acts of debauchery and whimsy with the reckless abandon I hope to one day have in my life. After all, who hasn’t wanted to re-enact some of their most cherished children wrestling moments in a freezing car park in Buffalo? My love for these people will never wane. (1)