clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

A Message From The Houston Sports Minister of Information

On the eve of the indomitable Texans’ campaign for yet another championship, the wholly objective and utterly incorruptible Minister of Information has issued a missive for the benefit of the people of Houston.

The People Of Houston Are Counting On You!
Photo Files of Glorious Ministry of Information

Please rise for People’s Anthem of Our Houston Texans.

Comrades! It’s been a rough week for proud people of our glorious city. Lives have been lost to floods, communities have been thrown into chaos, people’s homes and businesses have been destroyed. Once waters recede, long road to recovery lay ahead.

For many, storms, floods, and destruction would have been too much to bear. A 1,000-year storm like this would have left lesser city crippled and population broken.

But Houston did not break.

What we saw, and continue to see, is best of Mother Houston, enduring spirit of Houstonians working together to rescue stranded, comfort displaced, and raise funds to begin rebuilding city that we all love. Furniture stores, comedy clubs, churches, synagogues, mosques, temples, convention centers, and even our palace to football, NRG Park, opened doors to downtrodden. People in bass boats and fan boats assisted overextended rescue crews. At shelters, lines formed going around block full of people ready to take up cause, to help make the best of truly grim situation.

That, comrades, is true strength of Houston people. Seeing our brothers and sisters give all for one another was true inspiration; not just within walls of Ministry of Information but beyond Motherland, into Texas and across country (save for cowards and traitors walled within very dry and not-at-all inconvenienced baseball park in southern Oklahoma). People around world have witnessed what makes Mother Houston so great, so envied among other cities.

Speaking on behalf of Minister of Information, we are proud, deeply proud, to be associated with Houston, her people, and great revolutionary spirit that drives both. Our only regret is that we are unable to do more for than what we already have.

But for most of you, you loyal, patriotic comrades of Houston, there is more you can do. GIVE. Give what you can. Give your time at a shelter to help those whose homes have been flooded. Give your energy to organizing a drive sending supplies to charities helping rebuild the city we all love. If you can’t do that, give your money or supplies to reputable charitable organizations so they can help those who came through the storm far worse for wear.

It is patriotic duty of all Houstonians to give to fellow comrades in this time of utmost need. We at Ministry of Information know you will do right by your city, by your neighbors. It is revolutionary spirit within you that propels this course of action.

If worst storm to hit this country could not break this indomitable spirit, what possible hope could meat sacks of numerous inferior non-Texans teams have of doing same? None! Comrades, there are more important things than football going on right now, but know now that football-loving players of Mother Houston stand ready to defend the honor of people of Houston from these meat sacks that would cause us sorrow in our darkest hour (much like cowardly baseball team from south Oklahoma). Even our glorious Marshal of Texans, Comrade O’Brien, has said that our glorious Texans have dedicated entire season to people of Houston!

The storm did not break us. Sport shall not break us. Houston will remain unbroken.

Glory to Mother Houston!