clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Seeking Position As A Texans Offensive Lineman

New, comments

The Texans appear to be in woeful need of offensive linemen. I would like to submit my credentials for the position.

This is why this post was written.
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

The saying goes that you should be the change you want to see in the world. A lot of people see that quote and it inspires them to do things beyond what they thought they were capable of. For some, it gives them the courage to start a foundation to wipe out really awful diseases. For others, it leads them down a deep dark path, like going to law school or entering politics.

As for me, I’m no politician, and I leave the cure for cancer to people who know how to science better than I do. No, I have a much simpler dream. I wish to see the Houston Texans’ offensive line improve before the season is out. There’s a non-zero possibility that it’s a bigger lift than curing cancer, but I am a dreamer, dammit.

To that end, I have decided to submit my qualifications to Rick Smith and Bill O’Brien to join the Texans as an offensive lineman. I do not do this for myself, or for the money, the fame, the lifestyle, or the free shoes. No, I do this because I would feel awful if the Texans’ offensive line got both our quarterbacks killed and I did nothing to help prevent it. AND for the money, the fame, the lifestyle, and the free shoes.

Cover Letter

To Rick Smith and Bill O’Brien
c/o The Houston Texans
Two NRG Park
Houston, Texas 77054

Dear Hiring Managers,

I found your job opening for an offensive lineman for the Houston Texans on your website yesterday. I understand you didn’t actually post an opening on your site, but there were plenty of images and video of your offensive line giving up what appeared to be 37 sacks but was really only 10. Based on this, I assumed you were still on the lookout for potential warm bodies to replace whatever we saw on the field Sunday.

Because of this, I wanted to take the initiative and show you my enthusiasm for being an offensive lineman for the Houston Texans. I understand you might be a little leery about offering a contract, sight unseen, to some random guy on the internet, so allow me to offer my credentials for the role. Maybe after you review them, you’ll come to the same conclusion I do, that I have just as much business being on the field as Kendall Lamm, Jeff Allen, or Breno Giacomini.

I have never played a down of football at any level. I’ve never played professionally, I’ve not played at any of the colleges I attended, nor in high school, middle school, elementary school or Pop Warner. So already, right off the bat, I’m already on the level of pretty much anybody not named Duane Brown or Nick Martin in this group. I’m roughly the right size and shape to play the position, I’m 6’4” and weigh 310 lbs. I like pushing people around. I’m a very fast learner, which I understand is important for picking up the ultra-complex offense that has worked so brilliantly so far the last three-plus years. I’m a hard worker; more often than not I’m at work when I’m supposed to be there and I don’t leave the job too early. I also don’t have much of a life outside the house, which is perfect for me to learn all those blocking schemes that the rest of the offensive line seems to be unable to pick up. But the most important and best quality I offer you as the next offensive lineman of the Houston Texans is that I’m cheap. I’ll work for the league minimum. I don’t even need a locker. I’ll just travel with all my clothes wrapped in a handkerchief and attached to a stick like a hobo riding the rails.

So for a league minimum contract, and possibly a pie, depending on the deal my agent cuts for me (side note: I act as my own agent; that’s how cheap I would be to hire), you could have someone who is at least marginally more talented than pretty much 80% of your entire offensive line. It’s a pretty sweet deal and, hey, if you’re happy with my performance, you could drop Xavier Su’a-Filo and make my position permanent (as long as the pies keep coming; I do have standards after all).

Based on your desperate inadequacy at offensive line and my sterling qualifications as a cheap, cost-effective option at the line, I feel like this would be a fantastic match for the two of us. Please find attached my resume for your review.

Thank you very much for your time and for reading my application. I, and possibly most Texans fans, look forward to your prompt reply. After all, the health of all your quarterbacks may well depend on it.

Sincerely yours (and I really mean that),

Uprooted Texan, Esq.

P.S. I’m not the only large person on this blog’s masthead who would be an improvement to the offensive line. If you act now, I offer you a two for one deal. For one league minimum contract, you get me and Matt Weston (who as I understand it is quite large and in better shape than me). You won’t even have to pay him because he can sleep on my couch while we’re improving your offensive line.

P.P.S. It has come to my attention that Jeff Allen could miss significant time. Despite this giving me a bit more bargaining power in our future negotiations, I will still only ask for the league minimum. I look forward to working with you at NRG Stadium!

Resume

Uprooted Texan, Esq.

Objective:

Professional large person with several years experience in being large and pushing people around for fun and profit.

Core Competencies:

  • Cheap.
  • Large.
  • Stylish when surrounded by cheerleaders.
  • Surly with media personalities.
  • Willing to put the team first for the most part.
  • Willing to dress in cowboy gear for HEB commercials; No, not THOSE Cowboys.

Professional Experience:

Battle Red Blog (An SB Nation Site)

Writer/Moderator/Propagandist/Tomato Puree-ist (criminally underpaid)
Duties:

  • Write stuff nominally about football.
  • Make sure other people write stuff about football.
  • Create widely believable facts about football.
  • Provide spaces for people to comment on football-related things.
  • Create/find amusing internet things for the enjoyment of all.

Goldman Sachs
Investment Banker/Part-Time Ponzi Scheme Enthusiast
Duties:

  • Made important decisions about things.
  • Pushed keyboard buttons people around both physically and psychologically.
  • Added to large person status by enjoying delicious tacos in commissary.
  • Was responsible for [STILL UNDER GAG ORDER].

Education:

A lot.

Additional Skills:

  • Fluent in German, Chinese, and Coachspeak.
  • Proficient in Kicking [Kitten] and Chewing Gum.
  • Designed offensive line plays on criminally underrated game NFL Head Coach.
  • Four time Super Bowl Champion in Madden ‘15.
  • Never been caught stealing pens or other stationery from places of employment.