Please rise for People’s Hymn of Houston Texans:
Comrades! It has come to attention of our beloved Minister of Information as well as our dear leaders at NRG Stadium that football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans have some misgivings about state of only football team in Texas. Allow us to now quell those fears and return joy of Texans fandom to hearts of all fans loyal to Mother Houston.
When our supreme leader, Coach O’Brien, the beacon of all Texans’ hopes, ascended to unquestioned power, he and our most learned leadership conceived and executed a plan to elevate Texans to untold heights and place them permanently in hearts of all football fans across league and around world. Few know of intricacies or subtle machinations undertaken by our leader to put infallible plan into action. To question it now is to question leadership of our Dear Leader, and such questions can lead down a dangerous path. We at Ministry of Information do not wish for you to stray down path of disloyalty and imminent destruction.
Now, most concerns have arisen on account of Sunday’s performance by our glorious Texans, the pride of Mother Houston and unquestioned paragon of football excellence. As many of you saw, Texans appeared to perform at levels far below those expected by first among equals of football teams. They appeared to lose to hideously inept Jacksonville Furballs in spectacular fashion. Comrades, do not be fooled by appearances! What seems at first blush to be systemic failure on all sides of football was a mission of mercy ordered specially by Comrade McNair and faithfully executed by our Dear Leader.
During the course of the game, a storm tore through the Furballs’ backyard. Having been through similar, though much stronger, event than one that laid waste to Florida, and knowing that not all fans are as strong of will or strong of spirit as those of Texans, Comrade McNair ordered Texans to take it easy on Furballs and let them have their first win against Texans in illustrious reign of our Great Leader O’Brien. Did you really think that 10 sacks registered by Furballs and disproportionately adequate play of Blake Bortles was obtained naturally? Did you think Texans couldn’t, at any moment they wanted, take ball out of feeble-minded quarterback’s hands and drive with ease for endless touchdowns? Of course they could! The will of People’s Football Team of Texas cannot be so easily dominated as what was seen Sunday. A loss cannot break might of people of Mother Houston. It can, however, break people of Jacksonville.
Furballs were gifted victory wrapped up in battle red ribbons and liberty white polka dots, for which people of Jacksonville have already sent most profound thanks to Comrades McNair and O’Brien for their generosity. Is truly awe-inspiring act of beneficence by our glorious Texans, one that should not be scorned, but admired and emulated. We at Ministry can only hope that someday Jacksonville will not require pity victories to allay its delicate ego.
Fear not, comrades, for state of our football team remains strong. In fact, football team of Mother Houston poses a significant enough threat that NFL has attempted to sabotage it, kneecapping stalwart of Texans’ defense Brian Cushing with 10-game suspension given under preposterous suspected use of performance enhancing drugs. No Texans player has ever needed performance enhanced, as all Texans perform at above-average levels at all times. This is clearly attempt by one of other teams to weaken Texans at what is perceived to be their lowest. Clearly someone very Kraft-y and anti-patriotic had hand in this.
But enough about past. Now we look toward future and our upcoming struggle against woeful Bengals of Cincinnati. Leading our team into glorious battle will be Deshaun Watson, our rookie quarterback and representative of future of football-loving fans and players of Texans. It had been believed that Comrade Savage, good soldier and ever loyal to cause, would start. But Watson’s rise represents sudden, but very welcome, acceleration to Texans’ celebrated plans for inexorable success.
“He’s just gotten that much further ahead of Tom [Savage],” said Comrade O’Brien to loyal Ministry reporters familiar with situation. “Our plan the entire season was to start Deshaun Watson at quarterback, and he appeared to have all the tools ready to go. But Deshaun insisted that we give Tom...whatever his name is, a shot as the starting quarterback. So I gave him a shot. I don’t remember how long he’s been here but he deserved a shot. And he got an entire half to prove himself. Sadly, Savage’s efforts proved to be insufficient to what we needed from him to proceed with the grand plan. So Deshaun will usher in a new and wondrous age of Texans football.”
Lining up at quarterback for opposition, if they can be called that, will be Andy Dalton, who did his best Sunday to make Tom Savage feel better about himself. After giving up five turnovers, of which four were interceptions, it’s wonder Bengals would let him near football again. One can only guess they are utterly devoid of quarterback talent, unlike our glorious Texans that boast multiple starting-caliber quarterbacks. Are there no goats in Cincinnati which could be used as adequate substitutes for Dalton? His stat line Sunday should come to surprise of nobody as it is byproduct of his inherent softness. Who else but soft and squishy Dalton would have issue with being called a weapon of insignificance ranking only higher than a peashooter?
This softness can be traced to roots as quarterback for Katy High School, a school with massive inferiority complex. It is district and school so desperate to prove it belongs with other bastions of high school football excellence (such as Humble and Atascocita) that it swindled from its subjects obscene $70 million for a football stadium. The most telling part is fact that this future eyesore will have amenities. Amenities, comrades, breed softness. Proud, industrious football players of other Houston vicinities do not need amenities. They do not even need stadiums. Give average Houston school patch of concrete to play on and they will. It builds character. It builds strength! Amenities do not build strength. They build softness!
Protecting coward Dalton will be nobody, as only offensive linemen worth title, Andrew Whitworth and Kevin Zeitler, both fled Cincinnati, seeking refuge in Los Angeles and Cleveland, respectively. How miserable place must Cincinnati be if Cleveland represents improvement to your environment? Why did they defect to other non-Houston teams? Our proud, patriotic spies within enemy territory report to Ministry that all sad, dejected members of Bengals are forced to eat no less than one gallon of “chili” daily under threat of torture or disappearance. Our glorious Texans would never disappear player, and any chili consumption brought up by team would be both voluntary and delicious.
We at entirely truthful and not at all biased Ministry call upon barbarians who run the Bengals to cease force-feeding players spaghetti sauce, which is most probably war crime in most civilized societies!
As their offensive line is of questionable value, problem which our unstoppable Texans cannot possibly relate to, it is certain that heroes of defense J.J. Watt, Jadeveon Clowney, and Whitney Mercilus, starving for action after being held back by Texans’ high command, will tear this unit to tatters.
On other side of ball for the Bengals, te defense appears to be much more ferocious than their offensive (in every sense of the word) counterparts. However, our Great Leader has strategy for throwing them off game.
“Every time our offense takes the field, every player, from the offensive line to the receiving corps, will all wear T.J. Yates jerseys. This will prove to be psychologically damaging as they know they cannot possibly hope to stop him, and they will wilt to our every whim on offense. I came up with it after watching Three Amigos one night before going to bed.”
Bengals’ Previous Game: In last game, pitiful Bengals were held to fewer points than Texans scored in their game, getting shut out by equally inept Ravens of Baltimore. Keep in mind, gentle comrade, that Texans weren’t even really trying in their game on Sunday and still came away with touchdown. Bengals, despite their best efforts, scored no points. This can only prove to be positive sign for Texans.
With cunning game-planning and effective strategies like those, there can be no doubt that Texans will prove triumphant in battle against enemies of freedom, of people’s football revolution, and quality chili.
To Inevitable Triumph of Texans, Lead Us On!
On a serious note, Hurricane Irma was a big deal. All dismissals of it being less than catastrophic, in this post, are not intended to be taken seriously. I feel for everyone who was affected by the storm. To show that I’m sincere in my concern for Jacksonville, and Florida as a whole, I’ve made a donation to the Red Cross for hurricane relief.