clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Hair of the Dog - (Texans-Bengals): Better To Be A Live Dog Than A Dead Bengal

New, comments

The BRB gang gets together to talk about Thursday’s ugly-as-sin game against the Bengals.

NFL: Houston Texans at Cincinnati Bengals
The lone touchdown scorer.

Have you ever seen the movie “They Live”? For those of you who haven’t seen it, I won’t spoil it (also, go see it immediately), but there’s a key scene in that movie that feels like it encapsulates this game. If you’ve seen the movie, you know which scene I’m talking about. The fight scene. Stay with me on this one.

The scene is one of the longest fight scenes in cinema history at almost six minutes long. As the fight draws out longer and longer, the two combatants are weary, broken, and just about ready to pass out. If you were to replace the two lead actors in the scene with blind, incontinent hamsters who had just arrived from another country and didn’t speak the language, it might be a perfect parallel to last night’s game. Both teams traded blows, but the offense on both sides was so effete that neither one, with the lone exception of Deshaun Watson’s amazing 49-yard touchdown run, could really deliver the final blow. And then J.J. Watt did a piledriver on the Bengals’ center and ended the game.

Okay, maybe “They Live” isn’t a good parallel for the game we just saw, although I still contend it was more of a rock fight than a game; the point is I finally wrote an introductory statement and we can finally get to what everyone else on the masthead said about this game. Enjoy! As always, to make this safe to read at work, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten], as per long-standing BRB custom.

Pre-Game Thoughts:

Capt Ron

I want to see:

1. The defense return to top-5 form and shut down the Bengals.

2. J.J. Watt, Kevin Johnson and Jadeveon Clowney to look like they did at peak performance, and NOT like they looked in the last game.

3. For offensive play calling, the intended use of key players, and execution of said plays to look like something that belongs on an NFL field.

Weston

I want to see J.J. Watt look like himself again. That's really it. Ogbuhei is too bad to not throw into the garbage disposal.

Vega

I want to see a game that doesn't make me want to go to bed at halftime. I'm old and grumpy and I still don't have internet. My patience levels are not high.

Mike

I want to see my fears go completely unrealized and this team actually play like a Division Champion.

I want multiple defensive touchdowns.

I want Deshaun Watson to play like a seasoned veteran on his way to the Hall of Fame - not an inexperienced rookie who spent all but two quarters of his professional career throwing passes to practice squaders.

And, I want to not see those color rush uniforms...

First Quarter:

Vega

I already feel sick.

BFD

First play of the game is a dive...with Lamar Miller. Pathetic.

Luke

Okay so both of those throws were less than ideal but both of those balls should have been caught.

Vega

Woohoo! Crappy special teams!! Somehow, that's comforting.

Capt Ron

I like the color rush jerseys

Vega

Wow, D.J. Reader showed a burst on that screen.

BFD

Good deception on the blitz with Kareem Jackson getting the sack.

Jeremy

Bengals look undisciplined. We might have a chance.

Mike

More crappy special teams. It's like "Texans: Paint By Numbers" unfolding before our very eyes.

We didn't call a draw on third and long inside our own 10-yard line! #Progress

UT

I suppose that my reaction to the Texans' color rush jerseys being "meh" is kind of a compliment.

Vega

I don't hate the uniforms. They might grow on me.

Luke

I want Corey Moore to read me a bedtime story.

UT

He's busy right now. Maybe later.

Jeremy

That Cunningham tackle makes me think he'll be good for a while.

Vega

So if we go 3 and out here, does BOB put Savage in?

UT

That Foreman run was a thing of beauty.

Mike

Foreman!!!!

UT

Man, getting compared to an expansion team noted for ineptitude is not a flattering picture for BOB.

Luke

Oh [kitten] off Collinsworth, BOB did not want to start Watson straight away.

(Deshaun Watson gets sacked...gasp...)

Mike

Bring out the traffic cones...

UT

Breno? Breno.

(Kareem Jackson knocks the ball out of John Ross’ hands; Jadeveon Clowney catches it and takes it 49 yards to the Bengals’ 20 yard line).

UT

RUN FATBOY, RUN!!!!!

Mike

CLOWNEY COMIN'!!!!!

Jeremy

REEEEEEMMMMMM

Capt Ron

Clowney.....Sprint!!

UT

I think we've got ourselves a running back here.

Vega

Ok. Foreman looks legit.

MDC

[Kitten], he fast.

(The drive stalls and the Texans kick a field goal, take 3-0 lead)

UT

Sweet [Kitten] I hate Breno Giacomini.

Luke

The highlight of the night so far has been watching Jadeveon Clowney run.

MDC

Can we put Clowney at RB?!

Capt Ron

There isn't one swinging dick on this roster who can replace that [kitten] Giacomini?!!

Defense gives the offense a layup field position at the opponent's 20 and they only get 3 points?

(A.J. Green makes the catch despite triple coverage)

UT

TURN THE [KITTEN] AROUND KJAX! [Kitten].

Capt Ron

Joseph the "observer" as Green pulls down a deep ball. Thanks for letting Bouye walk, Rick Smith!

UT

It's like one of the Marx Brothers is our secondary coach or something.

Second Quarter

(Bengals answer with a field goal of their own. Game tied 3-3.)

Mike

Marvin Lewis: I really like this All-Field Goal offense, Bill. Tell me more about it.

BO'B: Well, first you have to get rid of most of your o-line talent...

Vega

I love how Watson doesn't panic under pressure.

Mike

Can we trade Lamar Miller, Tom Savage and Brian Cushing for a competent left tackle? Guard? Blocking sled?

BFD

No.

UT

I think we'd be hard pressed to get a 12-pack of tacos from Taco Bell for that collection.

Capt Ron

I'm ready to see them line up Clowney out wide right with trips left.

MDC (to UT)

You wouldn't get three tacos in that scenario.

(to Ron)

Clowney and Watt as h-backs.

Mike

All I can think watching this is how utterly decimated this team is going to get when they play the Pats next week...

UT

The Texans have given up 13 sacks already this season. In case you were wondering, in 2002 after two games the Texans had given up 15 sacks.

This is going to be ugly if Duane Brown doesn't come back soon.

Vega (to Mike)

Can we just forfeit that game, and use the time to give Watson reps? You know, those reps he should have gotten in preseason.

MDC

I love that there are no designed rollouts or runs for Watson. Seems brilliant.

Capt Ron

My youngest daughter, who never watches football, is watching this game and says: "I see why they call it football now, there's a lot of kicking going on."

UT

You know it's a [kitten] good thing it's Andy Dalton throwing instead of someone competent because that was gross.

Vega

This game sucks

Luke

Right now the game has more punts(9) than it does first downs(5).

UT

Tirico: I believe the reason these teams are struggling is...

Collinsworth: Yes?

Tirico: ...the offensive line.

Houston and Cincinnati fans: NO [KITTEN], SHERLOCK!

Mike

John McKay's words still ringing true:

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."

Capt Ron

Collinsworth: "This game is just old school. It's old school."

Old school? You mean when welders, coal miners and brick layers suited up for a few extra bucks each week in addition to their full time jobs? Yeah, now that you mention it, Houston's offensive line look like part-timers.

Capt Ron

And on that note about a part-time OL, Watson gets trucked by Atkins who ran untouched all the way to North Korea.

(Deshaun Watson runs 49 yards for the game’s only touchdown. Texans lead 10-3.)

Capt Ron

Suck it! Watson touchdown!!

UT

HOLY [KITTEN]! DESHAUN WATSON RAN FOR A TOUCHDOWN!

Jeremy

Deshaun.

Luke

[Kitten]ing Neato

Vega

Gotta admit... didn't see that coming. But it was awesome.

BFD

That was freaking fantastic.

Capt Ron

Watson' instincts >>>>>>> O'Brien's %€>\<%{^ offensive system from hell!

MDC

Name another Texans QB that could have made that run.

UT

JJo injured.

Can we go one game without a catastrophic injury?

Capt Ron

Joseph just broke his collar bone on that hit.

UT (to MDC)

[Kitten], I'm not sure there are running backs on this roster that could've made that run. Maybe Foreman. Maybe.

Capt Ron

If only Bouye were still here....

Vega

Watt has kicked his [kitten] up a notch

(Bengals kick a field goal, half ends with the Texans leading 10-6.)

Halftime Reactions:

BFD

I'm totes sure Tom Savage could've scrambled for that 49 yard TD, too. As long as nobody else was on the field, at least.

Also, too, almost every successful play has been a broken play. This is what Watson can do for you that Tom Savage cannot.

MDC (to Ron)

And Glover.

Capt Ron

I never "pay per view," but I would premium the [kitten] out of seeing Vrabel go knock O'Brien unconscious, take the reigns and turn this into the "Watson/Foreman" show. The play calling on offense is still abysmal, while the dynamic ad-hoc instinctive talent is working.

Mike

UT

I hate comparing things to the Seahawks, but watching Watson play is reminding me of Russell Wilson's first year. A lot of terrible play laced with moments of utter brilliance. I don't know how deep the comparisons lie but week 13 of Wilson's first year was the time when people generally agree that he "put it together." I'm hopeful that Watson can follow a similar if not accelerated development track.

Mike

This makes me think of the old Seinfeld episode where George decides to do everything opposite of what his gut tells him to do. If O'Brien could do that, then H-Town gets a win with ease...

MDC (to Mike)

[Rosenfels] ain't wrong.

Third Quarter:

Capt Ron

Texans kicked off out of the end zone? It's a brave new world!

UT

Can someone get some oil for Kareem Jackson, the pivot where his neck should be seems to be rusted stuck.

Capt Ron

Knock knock

Who's there?

Pass rush

Pass rush who?!!

(later)

Great view there of Bengals’ OL with hands wrapped outside the shoulders of Mercilus. Excuse me! That's KITTEN KITTEN holding! KITTEN the NFL officials!

UT

It IS Clete Blakeman's crew, so they're surrounded by idiots. Also, what happened to Foreman?

Mike

What happened to "We're gonna see a lot more of Foreman tonight"?

Capt Ron

It's total bull[kitten]. What's the point of investing in pass rushers when the refs ignore that kind of holding by offensive linemen?

UT

And stop running Miller up the middle.

WE'VE HAD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THIS BILL.

...In my head anyway.

Vega

Every time Miller runs up the middle, an angel loses its wings

Capt Ron

Pacman with an arm inside Hopkins gut before the ball gets there is called? Anyone? Anyone? DPI!!! [Kitten] these refs.

Vega

We're going to lose this game to Randy Bulloch field goals, aren't we?

(Kevin Johnson injures himself, comes out of the game.)

UT

KJo is hurt.

STOP DYING YOU COWARDS!!!

Capt Ron

Kevin Johnson injured. Nooooooooooooo!

Looks at Bouye on Jacksonville's roster. Noooooooooooooo!

#FireRickSmith

Fourth Quarter:

Capt Ron

I'm going to spend the weekend burning The Greenbrier to the ground. Clearly the water there is poisoned.

Vega

Third down? [Kitten]ny offensive line? Let's run at Geno Atkins.

UT (to Ron)

You suppose it robbed them of their essence? Replacing their precious bodily fluids?

MDC

"I don't know if America knows about Geno Atkins." -Cris Collinsworth, being a [kitten]eater

UT

Yes, more stupid bull[kitten], special teams! I can take it!

MDC

Andy Dalton is Katy as [kitten].

Vega

Why the [kitten] is Clowney still in coverage? Stop getting too smart! And by "smart" I mean "not smart."

MDC

Because he's the second best cb on the team right now due to injury?

Vega

No, it's because they're stupid. That's why everybody does everything.

(After yet another run up the middle for no gain, leading to another punt.)

UT

Why? Just why that play?

If they do fire BOB, the first question asked by Rick Smith (because of course) of future coaches should be "will you run the ball up the middle on third and one?" A yes answer should be grounds for immediate disqualification.

Capt Ron

This organization is run by morons.

And by disqualification you mean Watt comes into the room and disembowels the candidate coach with a flood-era, well-worn shovel, resulting in a sucking chest wound.

UT (to Ron)

Nah, they'll be in an office so it has to be less messy. Maybe with an olive fork instead.

Vega

I stand by my earlier stance that this game sucks

UT

That was a great sack by McKinney there.

MDC (to UT)

Ain't nobody south of Seattle owning an olive fork, you bourgeois [kitten]hole.

Vega

Offensive lines are for suckers

UT (to MDC)

I didn't say it would be EASY, ya Arkansas hillbilly.

MDC

I'm from Missouri, you [kitten]hole! How are the Sonics looking?

tGC

I think repeatedly running the ball off tackle on 3rd and short with a makeshift offensive line is a winning strategy and I look forward to us having much success with it this year.

Capt Ron

L. Miller up the middle, Prosch toasting smores on the sidelines, Foreman pacing aimlessly behind O'Brien....WTF is going on?!!!

UT (to MDC)

Same difference. Honestly, the 2017 Sonics could probably outscore the Texans.

Mike

>whew< almost went five whole plays without a hopeless run up the A gap.

MDC (to UT)

For sure! No argument there.

Vega (to MDC and UT)

While you ladies were arguing, the Texans started moving the ball. Keep it up, fellas.

Mike (to Vega)

This is just a prelude to #AllFieldGoalIoffenseFTW!!!

UT (to Vega and MDC)

Worth a shot. the Michigan Wolverines are Ohio State's [kitten]. Always have been always will be. And soon they'll be Notre Dame's too.

Vega

You know what would be a great idea? Miller up the gut.

(Texans kick another field goal to go up 13-9.)

UT

It's weirdly peaceful not to worry about the field goal kicker for once.

(Bengals return the kickoff 35 yards.)

Vega

Aaaaaand a [kitten]ny special teams play.

UT

Not often the quarterback will draw his own team offsides.

(Bengals turn the ball over on downs.)

Vega

There goes the draft position.

UT

Texans are about a minute away from going 1-2.

Mike

Super stoked about getting to see D'Onta Foreman get so many carries...

Vega

That finishing tackle was AWESOME!

UT

J.J. Watt with the exclamation point!

Postgame Reactions:

Mike

Now, excuse me while I happily go eat my crow for doubting Deshaun Watson's ability to win on his birthday.

Luke

A win is a win and the defense looked good along with Watson.

Onwards to the Patriots.

Capt Ron

I'm happy for the win, Watson's instincts (despite O'Brien's stubborn play calling), and loved Watt closing it out. I'm now praying for the starting corners.

tGC

J.J. Watt is the Mike Trout of the NFL, I fear.

Other than that, same old, same old from the offense, which continually tries to mash star-shaped pegs into round holes. Watson showed some poise and grit, which is nice, and some wheels, which is even better. Hopefully a full week of practice as the number one will help him get a bit more familiar with the offense, and maybe he can see a shrink to proactively prepare for the pounding we're going to take in New England.

Hey, let’s give out some game balls! You might have noticed that we didn’t give them out last week; considering how the game went, nobody would’ve gotten one anyway.

Offense: Deshaun Watson. The scorer of the only touchdown of the game gets the game ball, period, especially if he happens to run 49 yards for it, and on his 22nd birthday, no less.

Defense: I’m going to go with J.J. Watt here just on the strength of the last tackle of the game. Hey, these are my rules. I make ‘em up.

Special Teams: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...oh, I kill me sometimes.

Got something you want to add about the game? Add your thoughts to the comments section below.