clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Week Three Preview - New England Patriots

New, comments

This is the most objective news source for the Houston Texans you will find on this planet.

We are at war with New England. We have always been at war with New England.

Please rise for the people’s anthem of Houston Texans.

Comrades! Entire football world watched in awe and terror as our glorious Texans, envy of football world and pride of people of Houston, swept past hilariously inept Cincinnati Bengals. People’s offense, a beacon of hope for all to admire and emulate, dominated hapless Bengals on strength of Deshaun Watson and his quick feet, his unparalleled arm strength, and his snappy haircut. Let us not forget now or ever run which will be memorialized in image, stone, and song for bringing victory to people.

Our indomitable defense, led by J.J. Watt, holder of newly created “Honored Defender of Mother Houston” for his stellar work in rebuilding our glorious homeland, was more than match for coward Andy Dalton, whose terror drove him to throw to imaginary receivers whose hands, like his real receivers, were coated with high-quality tallow. Example of this came when slowpoke and mewling babe John Ross was tackled and surrendered ball to Jadeveon Clowney, who ran like armored graceful swan of people of Houston, going other direction, taking out no less than 27 defenders on way and couple of inattentive waterboys in process.

It was easy and complete victory over team that deserves little more than total annihilation, and such complete victory that it prompted benighted high brass of Bengals to begin some mid-season purges. Only most pitiful wretches would purge coaches in middle of the season, and one can only hope that Bengals can some day resemble Texans, who have never had coach or player they needed to remove for insufficient performance issues in entire sterling history.

As dominant and irrefutably powerful as our Texans were on Thursday night, is time now to put that power toward more suitable target. Is that time again, comrades, that time where people’s football might of Texas throttle wrongly named false “patriots” of imperialist England’s little brother. They will claim they have fought revolution for liberty, but these people lie as they steadfastly cling to all aspects of their beloved mother country. It would make more sense to refer to Boston as New London, but that is matter for another time.

These traitors to their homeland, whose reign atop the football world is long overdue to be cast into ash heap of history, are next opponent. As ever, overwhelming evidence of their agents and their efforts to sabotage revolution begun by football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans can be seen by those who bother to look around them. But their efforts to bring down our team have sunk to all-time low. After tireless efforts and countless minutes of investigation, many of which took place right before lunch, dauntless and unimpeachable Ministry of Information has found ironclad proof that ”patriots”, these imperialist frauds, conspired against Motherland by creating and skillfully maneuvering Hurricane Harvey, single greatest blight on Houston since Bud Adams, over the city!

Yes, comrades, we have proof; proof in form of highly detailed images of satellite with which they performed dastardly acts against Mother Houston.

Patriots weather satellite, somewhere over your house, probably.

Is believed that satellite, when not being used in effort to bring proud city like Houston to its knees, is preferred method for deflating footballs for certain players without NFL awareness. Truly, depths of jealousy that false “patriots” feel for football loving fans and players of Houston Texans know no bounds.

But atmospheric manipulations are not the limit of pathological aggression. Over offseason, “patriots” whipped around league and demanded that other teams surrender skill players to them or suffer consequences of resistance. According to highly respected and not at all imaginary sources reporting to Ministry, means of “persuasion” varied from team to team. Rex Burkhead was acquired after release from Bengals upon numerous threats made by Belichick involving cup of coffee and several milligrams of polonium. Phillip Dorsett was obtained from baby horses of Indianapolis after promise made to bleary-eyed Jim Irsay that “shipment” would be released to his custody. Mike Gillisleeand Kony Ealy both were obtained after simply tricking weak-minded general managers of those teams. But most insidious was acquisition of Brandin Cooks from New Orleans. Reports claim, and they are most definitely to be trusted, that specially trained little English death squad was sent to New Orleans to threaten life of their general manager for receiver.

The famed death squad of lesser England being trained by a noted weapons specialist.

Ministry of Information is happy to report that all attempts by ”patriots” to seize all talented players of Texans were successfully thwarted! We, unlike lesser teams, do not acquiesce to hired goons and would-be tyrants.

Even still, our sworn enemies who dare steal same color scheme as our Texans, liberators of the football world, continue their assault against Motherland. Just recently, famed probable relative of Marshal Tito, Bill Belichick, spoke at length about our Dear Leader and left some choice words for our comrade, and Marshal of Texans, Rick Smith.

"He's a great coach," Belichick said during a conference call with Houston reporters. "I think Bill does a great job. He's an excellent play-caller and game-planner.

"I think he's done a pretty good job with that organization with what he's had to work with. I think he's one of the best coaches in the league."

Leaving aside obvious that our Dear Leader is, indeed, single greatest coach in league and undoubtedly greatest one of all time and of all sports, implications of slight toward Comrade Smith cannot go unchecked. Do not get suckered into this man’s web of deceit, comrades! Let us not forget that Belichick, man with whom Vladimir Putin has trust issues, is trying to pit us against one another, comrade against comrade, coach against staff, sewing discord in possibly most insidious way yet. It is moral imperative of all those loyal to Mother Houston and her Texans to stand with our Marshal of Texans, and his long, long, illustrious reign. That coward Belichick would try to break our resolve shows only how great job Comrade Smith is doing and how desperately they fear unified might of our Texans!

To inevitable triumph of Texans, lead us on!

GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!

The Houston Sports Minister of Information is now dispensing the only objective truth about the Houston Texans on Twitter. To get more highly-reliable news, follow him at HOUSportsMinister (@HouSportsMinInf).