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Hair of the Dog (Texans-Patriots): Fighting Like Pats and Dogs

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The BRB writing staff get together to discuss the Texans heartbreaker against the Patriots.

Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images

Sitting here, looking at the screen, my mind races about the Texans-Patriots game and all the little things that just didn’t break the right way, like Corey Moore’s failure to catch that interception at the end of the game to seal the win. And while it stings to lose, I can’t help but wonder which is worse: to be in a game all the way to the end only to lose in heartbreaking fashion the way the Texans did today, or to get completely outclassed and be non-competitive from the get-go.

It definitely stings more now, but we’ve been there where the Texans just weren’t in the game from the first kick, and that has a demoralizing effect on the fans and the team. Think back to last year when the Texans got blanked by a third string quarterback and all the flaws in Houston’s offense were exposed in a single game.

Hang on, I’m angry again.

(elevator music)

Okay, better now. My point, I’m pretty sure I had a point, is that game pretty much derailed the remainder of the season last year. This loss, however, is something to build on. It’s bound to be a huge confidence booster for Deshaun Watson, to the offense as a whole, and for Texans fans at large. I only wish that Bill O’Brien’s time management skills could develop as quickly.

But enough about that. With no more ado, here’s this week’s Hair of the Dog. As always, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] so as to make this thread safe for work.

Pre-Game Comments:

Diehard Chris

[Kitten] the Jaguars are just ragdolling Baltimore. AND running up the score in the process (which I absolutely love in the pros). Feels like week one against Houston.

Luke

The Jags just might be legit. The offense is doing enough (or more than enough in the case of today) to hold up with that really good defense.

BESF Weston

It just makes me even more excited for next weekend's blood bath (ed. note: against the BESFs).

First Quarter:

UT

J.J. with a tackle for a loss. This could be fun.

Luke

If anything could kill the Pats today it might be the O-line.

BFD

Who was burned on the pass play? My computer is being an [kitten].

UT

Jonathan Banks. #33 burned and then flagged.

And here I was thinking they might call holding against the offense for mauling J.J. Watt.

I'm dumb.

Luke

Banks, pretty sure it was man coverage.

(Gronkowski scores, putting Patriots up early 7-0)

UT

What's a Corey Moore and why is he the only one on Gronk?

Luke

Please end around.

BFD

Love the fact Watson pushed the ball down the field. Savage will never make that throw.

(Texans appear to go for it on fourth and one)

UT

They're going for it. Or something.

(Texans wimp out, call timeout, and kick field goal. Pats lead 7-3)

BFD

Trash coaching from a trash coach.

Vega

So, I was thinking about something earlier. During the David Carr years, we were one of the worst offenses in the league. Then came the Richard Smith/Frank Bush years. Then the Joe Marciano era followed by the Ghost of Joe Marciano era, in which we're still mired. So, since the Texans came into existence, how many years has one of our three units been among the league's worst?

Luke

Why the hell do you do that? Burn a TO because you want to get them to jump?

Vega

Relax, Luke. It's only the most disciplined and well coached unit in the league.

UT (to Vega)

If you're including special teams, I think there isn't a year where there hasn't been a unit that wasn't radioactive garbage.

(Deshaun Watson throws a TD to Bruce Ellington, putting the Texans ahead 10-7)

UT

HOLY [KITTEN] TOUCHDOWN HOUSTON!!!

Luke

HOT [KITTEN]ING DAMN A TOUCHDOWN

Vega

And a passing TD!! First the eclipse, then the hurricanes, then the earthquakes. Now the Texans have a lead in Foxborough with a rookie QB. I'm not saying... I'm just saying.

BFD

That's the kind of throw Watson will actually attempt that Savage won't even try. Fantastic play calling sequence, too.

Brett

That was a grown man throw from Watson. My goodness.

Luke

PA is buying Watson time in the pocket to actually get a proper read against some of the zone coverages which the Pats are using.

Capt Ron

I don't know who designed these offensive plays for the Texans today, but I love it! Will keep Pats' defense honest.

Brett

[Kitten], Clowney hurt.

Luke

[KITTEN].

They should have recovered that.

Also full props to Bruce Ellington. He adjusted really well to that throw.

Second Quarter:

UT

You know something, I kind of like this Deshaun Watson guy.

BFD

Lamar Miller in space. This offensive scheme actually looks competent.

(Deshaun Watson throws an interception)

UT

I blame that interception squarely on Weston.

Luke

Don't do that. Just take the sack.

Brett

aaaaand interception right on cue.

(Patriots score an easy touchdown (thanks, secondary), take lead 14-10)

Vega

Look, you know he's going to make plenty of mistakes. All you can do is hope he learns from it, and doesn't go into a shell.

UT

Of course, but the bonehead defensive plays afterwards weren't on Watson.

I still blame the pick on Weston, though.

(later)

A Lamar Miller run to the outside.

BILL O'BRIEN, YOU MAGNIFICENT [KITTEN], YOU READ OUR BOOK!

Luke

Double digit gain on a run play? Wat dis?

Capt Ron

That looked like miscommunication on route between Watson and Hopkins.

UT

[Kitten] it Su'a-Filo, why are you? Not why are you here, why ARE you?

Capt Ron

SuckaFilo with a holding penalty.

UT

I love our mobile quarterback. I love him more than the children I don't have.

Brett

I absolutely love having a mobile QB that can bail this offense out on third downs. It's refreshing.

UT

The fact that they only gained nothing on that play instead of losing 40 yards is nothing short of miraculous on that play.

(The Texans’ drive stalls, field goal puts them down 14-13)

Brett

The fact that I almost *expect* Watson to scramble across the sticks in long yardage situations now is testament to how good he is in space.

Capt Ron

I love this QB! He is going to make mistakes as a rookie, but his instincts and athleticism can reverse some of those mistakes too. It's exciting to watch, regardless of the outcome.

Luke

Stop putting Clowney in coverage.

(Whitney Mercilus sacks Tom Brady, who throws the ball to Jadeveon Clowney, who returns it for a touchdown. Texans lead 20-14)

Luke

HOLY [KITTEN]

Brett

I LOVE THIS DEFENSE. CLOWNEY IS A FREAK.

Vega

I love the hits they're getting on Brady, and I'm totally looking forward to the second half crying Brady.

UT

The defense keeps falling down now at the LOS. Chop blocks, maybe?

(The safeties, looking lost again, give up a touchdown to the Pats, who lead again 21-20)

Capt Ron

There's that problem this defense has at the safety position. Great front seven, and garbage in the secondary. Thanks, Rick!

Luke

This stuff happened last year too. Just dumb mistakes like that from different parts of the secondary.

Brett

Nice body control on that catch by Griffin.

UT

The Texans have thrown to seven different receivers so far this half. They're finally starting to distribute the ball better.

Luke

Fantastic catch by Griffin to keep the drive alive.

Watson's placement on a good few of these throws has been spotty but goodness gracious the Texans WR's and TE's are doing wonderful compensating for it.

Halftime Reactions:

Brett

Honestly I expected us to be down three possessions by now, so just keeping this game competitive is a win in my book.

Capt Ron

If Houston's defensive backs weren't KITTEN morons with a ton of missed assignments and communication issues, the Texans would be leading at halftime. Watson looks far better than I expected in his second start, especially against a very disciplined Patriots defense. Play design and play calling also a rare bright spot. Also, what is going on with that new turf?!! Let's see how halftime adjustments go.

Third Quarter:

(Patriots strike quickly, go up 28-20)

BESF Weston

Regardless I still can't believe this game is fun and is still a game.

BFD

Perfect play call by the Pats. Cooks one of the fastest players in football while Banks ran a 4.61 40. Downright Madden-esque play.

(Watson makes an impossible 31-yard pass to Griffin for the first down)

UT

That was some Russell Wilson [kitten] right there.

BESF Weston

I officially love Deshaun Watson.

BFD

I'm physically aroused after that pass and have the selfie to prove it.

UT

And Lamar Miller ran up the middle for a significant gain? Da[kitten]?

Brett

Week 3 has been the Twilight zone so far.

(Watson connects with Griffin for a TD. Texans trail 28-27)

UT

Holy [kitten], they ARE still in it!

Brett

Deshaun Watson going blow for blow with Tom Brady. I honestly did not think this was even possible with how this team looked in the first two weeks.

Tim (in a rare cameo appearance)

I know we have to see how he develops once NFL defenses have time to adjust to him, but Deshaun Watson has single-handedly made Houston’s offense fun to watch.

BFD

The offense doesn't at all look the same, whether it's scheme or calls or anything. This is Deshaun Watson's team, now, and if BOB ever decides to pull Watson, he'd better be fired within the minute.

MDC (also in a cameo appearance)

Even Tom Savage's agent doesn't want Watson benched.

Brett

If trucks were sentient and could catch footballs, they would basically be Rob Gronkowski.

(BOB challenges the ruling of a completed pass)

BESF Weston

This challenge is dumb as hell.

UT

Why and for whom was that challenge?

BFD

Stupid AF challenge.

Tim

That challenge was Kubiakian.

Capt Ron

Brady's knee and hip were on ground before he released. Bad review with blind refs. Stupid challenge anyway since they have to punt either way.

UT

Even if you argue field position, they're punting and it's going to most likely be a touchback anyway.

Luke

Holy [kitten] that Kevin Can Wait Promo is bad.

UT

You mean that King of Queens promo right? Because, again, there was literally no difference between the two shows.

Fourth Quarter:

UT

Foreman is gashing this defense all of a sudden and I'm becoming aroused by it.

(Texans take the lead on a field goal, go up 30-28)

Luke

I can't believe we are leading.

UT

The Texans have the lead in the fourth. This is not a drill. The Texans have a lead in the fourth quarter.

Vega

I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, I'm stoked about the 4th quarter lead. On the other, the universe is about to implode.

UT

Hey, the end of the world was supposed to be yesterday. Anything after that is gravy.

Brett

They have Tom Brady. The Pats are favored to win no matter what the score is until the clock hits zero.

BFD

This does not look like Bill O'Brien's offense, and that's the difference in this game.

UT

They got a stop. They got a stop! THEY GOT A STOP!!!

Luke

Yo, Christian Covington is having a day.

Brett

Covington coming up huge today

BESF Weston

Christian Covington being good is unbelievable and something I'm 100% here for it.

Capt Ron

Covington could soak a meteor! What a stop! Texans have 30 points and the lead against the Pats in the 4th quarter. I don't know how this will end, but it is fantastic thus far.

BFD

DJ Reader, too.

UT (as Captain Obvious)

They have to score on this drive I think. Eat up all the clock and score on this drive.

Vega

My "why the [kitten] do you have an empty backfield on third and short" Pavlovian response is going to take a while to break.

Brett

Deshaun Watson's legs are single handedly transforming this team.

(Braxton Miller drops a catch, because of course)

Capt Ron

Braxton Miller will be the next confirmed bust.

Luke

I don't think we've had a drop like that all day. That itself is a miracle.

Brett

We really need to just keep running Foreman. Let him grind it out and give Watson third and shorts that he can convert with his legs.

Capt Ron

Yeah, not sure why they changed the formula there. Also, two targets to Braxton were a waste.

(Texans stop the Pats on third down)

UT

THREE AND OUT! Someone hold me. I don't know what to do and I'm scared about what's going to happen!

Vega

Well, they have another chance at it here. Let's see if they've learned anything.

Brett

WE ACTUALLY STOPPED GRONK ON THIRD DOWN OH MY GOD.

UT

Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball. Run the ball.

Capt Ron

They need to grind the hell out of the clock on this drive.

Vega

This is bizarro world. I'm predicting a bomb to Braxton for the win.

(OPI called against Griffin)

UT

Oh [kitten] you ref. OPI my [kitten].

Capt Ron

They don't call pushing off on Gronk, who's done it all [KITTEN] day, but they call it on Texans' TE.

(Watson scrambles back about 10 yards, completes a miracle pass to Foreman for the first down.)

Brett

DESHAUN WATSON IS UNBELIEVABLE.

BFD

It's not JUST that we're moving the ball, but we're also milking the clock. Beautiful drive on every level by Watson.

(Texans drive stalls. Field goal puts the Texans up five, 33-28)

Vega

The fact that I still don't know our kicker's name is a good thing.

UT

Now I'm [kitten]ing scared.

Luke

How this next drive goes will drastically dictate how I write the Final Score.

Please get a stop. PLEASE

Brett

Brady is getting the ball last. I hate everything about that scenario.

Vega

My wife just asked me why I'm not more excited. I just told her I've been a Texans fan too long.

UT

I've seen this movie before. And it sucks.

BESF Weston

This is the most fun I've had watching Houston since week two 2013.

UT

Two minute warning.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a privilege blogging with you today.

/begins playing violin

BFD (to BESF Weston)

THAT, right there, Big Matt.

Luke

The stress of this is taking years off of my life.

Please get the stop.

Brett

My heart can't take this game right now.

Capt Ron

We need a Wattgasm so bad here.

(The Patriots...ugh...you know what happened here; don’t make me say it)

Luke

COME ON COREY.

UT

Mother[kitten]er.

Capt Ron

[Kitten] Rick Smith and this [kitten]ny secondary!

BESF Weston

[Kitten] the Patriots so much

UT

They truly are Satan's team.

Brett

I [kitten]ing hate the Pats so much.

kdentify (also in a rare cameo appearance)

I am going to be sick. This hurts so much.

BFD

I'm confident the special teams unit will come through in the clutch.

(Texans wait 10 seconds to call timeout for reasons I can’t even begin to understand)

BFD

Blaming it on Watson? Where in the hell is BOB with the timeout?

Brett

What the [kitten] was that...

UT

YOU LOST 10 [KITTEN] SECONDS [KITTEN]ING AROUND WITH THAT TIMEOUT!

Vega

That was a [kitten] show ending. Did they change the rule that the coach can't call a timeout anymore, and I just missed it?

Luke

I'm going to go drink the bottle of scotch whiskey that's been stewing in my closet for the past 3 months.

(Texans lose a heartbreaker 36-33.)

Let’s give out some game balls here.

Offense - Deshaun Watson. His throws and his feet kept the offense in this game. His final stat line is the kind that [UNPERSON] would’ve dreamed of: 22-33 for 301 yards, 2 TDs and 2 INTs (one of which was on a Hail Mary in the final play of the game), good for a 90.5 quarterback rating.

Defense - Jadeveon Clowney gets the ball today if, for no other reason than the pick-six he got after Mercilus strip-sacked Tom Brady.

Special Teams - Ka’imi Fairbairn. He’s been nails ever since he won the starting job and today was no exception, going 4-4 on field goals and 3-3 on extra points.

What say you, BRB brothers and sisters? Think someone else should get a game ball? Hate the Texans’ safeties as much as we do? Want to get together a GoFundMe so we can bribe refs as much as the Patriots pay them? Add your thoughts to the comment section below!