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2DH: Elementary, My Dear Watson

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In which Deshaun does a lot of little things and almost does a big thing.

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Houston Texans v New England Patriots
The Anti-Savage.
Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

Usually, I write the intros to these posts first, as I have something random and (I hope) entertaining on my mind, and I use the intro as a springboard to get the ideas flowing for the rest of the post.

Today, however, I am too sore to think of something funny. I played kickball for three hours on Sunday and, while I had a great time, my 39-year-old legs feel like I was hit by small car.

I’m playing through the pain, though, gang. I’m a gamer. (The fact that Tim claimed last week that I wouldn’t show back up for a second week has nothing to do with my decision, I assure you. What? Seriously. Stop looking at me like that!)

Whatever. Anyway. Kickball got me thinking about sports/games that are acceptable for someone (other than a professional athlete) over the age of 35 to play, and how those sports rank in terms of difficulty and social acceptability. My working list:

Golf - Hardest (at least to get good at) and most socially acceptable.

Tennis - Moderately difficult to get competent at, at least if you want to play other people who are decent at the game. Almost as socially acceptable as golf.

Slow Pitch Softball - Not difficult and totally acceptable among people who like all social activities to involve as much drinking as running.

Soccer/Rugby - Kind of difficult to get into if you haven’t played earlier in life; pretty acceptable, at least among the kind of people who would play soccer or rugby or similar sports.

Ultimate Frisbee - Easy to start, moderately difficult to master; acceptable if your friends are more artsy/service industry types than banker types.

Kickball - See slow pitch softball, then deduct a few points of difficultly.

The Most Dangerous Game - Incredibly difficult; only socially acceptable if your circle of friends contains only outrageously wealthy nutjobs who are bored with big game hunting.

1.

Team record for fumbles recovered for a TD in a career, currently shared by 15 players: Jadeveon Clowney, DeMeco Ryans, J.J. Watt, Antwan Peek, Charlie Anderson, Petey Faggins, Dominique Barber, Anthony Maddox, Kenny Wright, Mario Williams, Quintin Demps, Jamie Sharper, Kevin Walter, Bernard Pollard, and Wade Smith.

No.

Answer to the question of whether Deshaun Watson should ever cede the starting QB job to Tom Savage. This is no longer a debate that you are allowed to have without being ridiculed as an idiot.

Official Ranking of Breakfast Cereals

1. Cookie Crisp – The fact that someone had the idea to turn chocolate chip cookies into breakfast cereal and has not won a Nobel Prize is society’s biggest failing to date.

2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch – Stays crunchier in milk than most cereals, doesn’t shred the roof of your mouth like Cap’n Crunch, and turns your milk into something more delicious than the sum of its parts.

3. (tie) Fruity Pebbles / Cocoa Pebbles – Both are ridiculously good delivery vessels for a metric ton of sugar and artificial colors. That’s how cereal should be.

5. Lucky Charms – Beats out the other cereals with freeze-dried marshmallows because the actual cereal part of this one is better than the cereal in Count Chocula.

Honorable mention for a discontinued favorite: Mr. T Cereal – It was Cap’n Crunch, but slightly softer and made with fewer razorblades.

7.

Sacks needed by Jadeveon Clowney (12.5) to pass Connor Barwin for fifth-most in team history.

Mail Call #1.

tehGrindCrusher:

You might have seen my comment on your recent 2DH regarding the theory that Daniel is actually the bad guy in The Karate Kid.

Your thoughts?

Bonus question: what is the best way to grill a burger?

I did see the comment. If there’s one set of internet comments I always read (for better or worse), it’s the 2DH comments, because I usually steal ideas for the following week from those comments.

ANYWAY…something had always bugged me about “The Karate Kid” (aside from the head-kick thing we covered last week), but I couldn’t put my finger on just what it was. That video nailed it. Daniel shows up, gets in what should have been a minor altercation on the beach with the popular kid in the new town, and—rather than learn from the incident or even react like a normal human being—he immediately gets into the world’s dorkiest karate pose DESPITE NOT KNOWING KARATE AT ALL and promptly (and appropriately) gets disabused of the notion that he’s going to beat up Billy Friggin’ Zabka. Johnny was, at that point, the reigning All Valley karate champ, and he didn’t even punch Daniel in that fight. He just parried Daniel’s impotent “attacks” and, ultimately, threw a knee into Daniel’s gut to get the pissant moron to stop. Who does that?!

I mean, I get it. It’s hard to be a new kid in town. This was probably more true in 1984 than it is today, in fact, since apparently everyone knew karate or thought they knew karate. But Daniel let his mouth write a check that his butt couldn’t cash. The outcome was as it should have been.

Rather than take that at face value, however, Daniel convinces Miyagi that Daniel was the “victim.” Miyagi teaches him, while generally preaching the value of turning the other cheek and not being a tool, but Daniel decides to do Grade-A douchebag stuff like spraying water all over Johnny at the party (ruining Johnny’s weed in the process) and then running away like a chump. The beating Daniel catches near the fence, prior to Miyagi saving him, was totally deserved. But did Daniel tell Miyagi that afterward? Of course not.

Point being, I guess, I agree with the video. Daniel was a bully—albeit a terrible, ineffectual one—yet he was somehow allowed to come out ahead. That’s some crap.

As for burgers, I have to admit that I prefer them cooked on a screaming hot griddle rather than a grill. But if you’re going to grill them, I go with 80/20 ground beef and make a patty that is about one half inch thick at the sides and one quarter inch thick in the middle. Salt and pepper the concave side of the burgers and let them rest for at least 15 minutes at room temperature. Get your grill ready, and then place the burgers over a few coals with most of the coals moved off to the side. Depending on the temp, four to six minutes per side should get you to medium rare.

I like to serve on a lightly toasted white bun with a very, very thin smear of mayo on the bottom bun (to prevent sogginess, as noted by Alton Brown), and yellow mustard, white onion, and dill pickle slices on top. Ketchup has no place on a burger.

331.

Total points allowed by the Houston Texans to the New England Patriots in eight regular-season and two playoff games. This total is more than the Texans have allowed to any non-AFC-South team. Houston has never held the Patriots to fewer than 23 points (2003) and has given up 40 or more three times.

4.

Number of times Tom Brady has thrown for 300+ yards against the Texans in the regular season and NFL Playoffs combined. Sunday’s 378 was the most in a game against Houston by Brady in his career. His 5 TDs on Sunday were also a career-high against Houston.

4.

QBs who have thrown five or more TD passes in a game against Houston: Aaron Rodgers (6, 2012); Peyton Manning (5, 2004); Daunte Culpepper (5, 2004); Tom Brady (5, 2017).

Random WTFery.

I have seen “Pulp Fiction” roughly one thousand times. That’s not even hyperbole. I can more or less recite the entire movie, and I often watch it while I’m falling asleep because I can close my eyes, listen, and still see exactly what’s happening on screen.

Yet, the other day, I was watching it for lack of anything better to do, when I noticed something:

You see it? Just to the right of Lance. Why is there a shoe on a decorative shelf in the room? Where is the other shoe?? There are other shoes on similar shelves around that room, too. Nothing about Jodi (the one with all the sh*t in her face) suggests that she’s into any kind of fashion or art or much of anything other than piercing and not finding magic markers (or felt pens). The shoes are never referenced or explained. WHY ARE THEY THERE?

86.

Rushing yards needed by Deshaun Watson (124) to pass David Carr for most rushing yards in a season by a Texans’ QB. Carr posted 308 in 2005, which makes sense when you recall that he was sacked 68 times that year and was basically running for his life each week.

819.

Rushing yards needed by Watson to pass Ben Tate for the tenth-highest single-season total in team history.

3.

Rushing TDs needed by Deshaun Watson (1) to pass David Carr for most in a season by a Texans’ QB. Carr put up three in his rookie season when, again, he was running for his life (76 sacks!) and had few better options.

48.

Sacks Deshaun Watson will take if the current pace of three per game holds all year. This total would be the third most in a season in team history.

Mail Call #2.

Daniel:

Of Gillislee, James White, and our beloved NUK, who do you think has the biggest fantasy outing on Sunday and why? I have to think James White is primed for a breakout game based on what we saw from these two teams in the preseason. I know NUK is going to do everything in his power to help Watson out, but Belicheck is also going to do everything in his power to blanket Hopkins as well.

Hmm…I’m predicting that Mike Gillislee will have about 31 rushing yards and will be a non-factor. White will contribute about 28 total yards and no scores. DeAndre Hopkins, however, I’m penciling in for seven catches and 76 yards. Go with him.

My bigger concern, however, is that you appear to be using Hopkins as a flex player, rather than as one of your permanent starting WRs. That’s poor hustle and shows a lack of faith in the greatness that is Nuk. Remember when Andre Johnson was hauling in poorly thrown balls from such luminaries as David Carr, Sage Rosenfels, and some random homeless guy that stumbled into practice and won the backup job outright (I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s how Jake Delhomme wound up on the roster)? Nuk has a similar ability and has a much better QB throwing to him than Johnson in those dark pre-healthy-Schaub years. Start that man in a WR slot like he deserves!

Put It In Your Mouth.

Last week, I asked for suggestions for food-related 2DH content other than BBQ, since we covered that pretty extensively in previous years. Dead Coach, prompted by a comment by Nash, noted that strange foods would make for an interesting entry. So...here we are.

For the inaugural entry in this category, I’m going with a bucket-list food that is incredibly rare, due to both its rather questionable nature and the fact that its pretty much illegal in most developed countries: The Ortolan.

For the ultimate writing about this delicacy, I cannot recommend the opening chapter in Anthony Bourdain’s “Medium Raw” enough. Having never had the bird myself, I will not try to one-up Bourdain’s nearly erotic description. Rather, I’ll give a broad rundown of what we’re talking about.

The ortolan is a tiny member of the bunting family of birds. Full grown, it is “about the size of a baby’s fist” and weighs about an ounce. The birds are captured just after birth and kept in near darkness (and often blinded), while being fed as much as possible to fatten them up. When they are ready, they are killed with alcohol to not damage the bird itself and are quickly plucked and roasted whole, bones and beak and all.

The bird is brought to the table still sizzling in a small bowl or ramekin. The diner then takes his napkin and covers his head and the bowl-containing bird with it, ostensibly to hide the gluttony to come from God himself. The bird is lifted and placed into the mouth feet first, with the head still protruding from the lips. Once a few rapid breaths around the sizzling bird have cooled it slightly, you bite into it and drink the mix of blood and melted fat, before chewing more. The head is then pulled into the mouth for the final bite.

If this sounds disturbing, I don’t blame you. It’s certainly not for everyone. For me, however, the history of the dish and the words that have been written about how amazing it is make it something that I feel like I need to eat before I die.

27; 4; 1; 1; 1; 1.

Three-hundred-plus yard passing games as a Houston Texan by Matt Schaub, David Carr, Deshaun Watson, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Case Keenum, and T.J. Yates.

Gratuitous Lonesome Dove Quote.

“If you only come face-to-face with your own mistakes once or twice in your life it’s bound to be extra painful. I face mine every day—that way they ain’t usually much worse than a dry shave.”

354.

Passing yards needed by Deshaun Watson (528) to pass Tony Banks for 10th all time in Texans history.

2,816; 661; 16; 5; 16.

Deshaun Watson’s projected passing yards, rushing yards, passing TDs, rushing TDs, and INTs at his current pace. The passing yards total would be seventh best in team history, the rushing total would be 13th best (first among QBs, of course), and the passing TDs would tie for sixth best.

Marijuana Pepsi Sawyer Inexplicable Decision Of The Week.

[Author's note: It's a sad day in Two-Day Hangover Land. It seems that Marijuana Pepsi Sawyer has gotten married and changed the name on her public profile to the slightly more professional sounding, "Marijuana Sawyer." Dang. Thankfully, we have a long memory around here, at least when it comes to stuff like this, so we'll just forge ahead and pretend like nothing has changed.]

Much like the decision to name your daughter "Marijuana Pepsi," the officials’ failure to overturn the final TD by Patriots is confusing as hell, at least if you’re trying to come up with a workable definition of what is or is not a catch in the 2017 NFL.

The ball was clearly moving when it touched the ground, so the Bert Emmanuel rule is not at issue. Some people are saying that Brandin Cooks had control before the ball touched the ground, but I can’t see how a person can believe that, since the ball only stops moving (and appears to be controlled) WHEN it hits the ground. If you focus on the laces, you can literally see the ball continue to come out of his arms until it hits the ground.

Yes, Cooks had initially secured the ball and dragged his feet, which seems to be a common refrain among those defending the outcome, but that’s not the relevant analysis. As soon as he went to the ground, Cooks had to maintain control of the ball through the ground. He did not. This is not a catch. Good thing it didn’t matter to the outcome or anything....

Oh, wait.

Parting Shot.