Rise for People’s Hymn of Houston Texans:
Comrades! People’s Football Team of Texas, our Houston Texans, triumphantly return from successfully pointing out many weaknesses loathsome “patriots” of imperialist lesser England have in their supposedly championship-caliber team. Needless to say, these weaklings relied upon largesse of their friends in refereeing crew to sabotage the efforts of our Texans in bringing our revolution to area of world fundamentally unfamiliar with term.
But this is no time for dwelling in past. We must concern ourselves with upcoming game and eternal enemies, vile traitors of Northern Alabama. Would be understandable to treat game as we have treated all games against these vermin, these enemies of people, but over course of last year or so, they have developed severe delusions of grandeur. They believe that they stand chance of interrupting glorious reign of our beloved Texans as champions of only division that matters in all of football: AFC South.
Whatever illicit drugs they have produced in northern Alabama must be particularly strong to produce this kind of mental unwellness rampant in that pathetic part of world. Their desire to return to accursed past where foul child-consuming traitors were relevant for all of 30 seconds is threat to hegemonic domination of benevolent revolution of peace and football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans. Foolhardy aggression by hill people with more tattoos than brain cells will be met with our united strength and their hopes will be, once more, dashed against rocks of reality.
What have we to fear from such backwater buffoonery? This, after all, is team whose fans spend inordinate amount of time praising punter for amount of yardage he puts on punts. All this means, comrades, is they are merely afraid of facing Texans’ vaunted special teams unit. Who can blame them? None who have faced off against Texans have ever been same afterwards.
Hill people fawn over performance of their running backs, who were running against fourth and fifth string players of insignificant foe. Is also telling that they required two running backs to fart way toward ill-deserved win. Had they played against our glorious Texans, Lamar Miller would have gained 507 yards single-handed, which would be only third time in his Texans career he performed such feat.
Is no doubt that these ill-bred inbred traitors are afraid of supreme rightful vengeance of people of Houston through their football team. Even during great struggle of people in rebuilding after storm, imperialist owner of Traitors, daughter of very devil, donated $1 million to Honored Defender of Mother Houston J.J. Watt’s hurricane relief efforts. Our highly effervescent reporters at Ministry of Information have received word that donation was little more than bribe by cowards to Watt as attempt to buy mercy. Donation is appreciated, but mercy will not come to traitors of Mother Houston, and no amount of money will spare them!
Traitors will point to this and to efforts taking part in September’s “National Baby Safety Month” and make case for how good and generous they are. But there is reason to believe that this group of baby-eating sister-fornicators misinterpreted intention of baby safety. One, who spoke on condition of anonymity with his arm around his mother/sister, probably had this to say to Ministry:
We thought it meant something else, like how best to prepare a baby so as to avoid foodborne illnesses. You wouldn’t believe how much salmonella is in a baby. I was hoping for some recipes, maybe a couple of tips on how to make sure they don’t dry out while cooking, stuff like that. I mean, this other thing they’re doing is fine too, but it wasn’t what I signed on for.
But back to intrinsic fear that runs through this team like so much yellow bodily fluid. If these weren’t reasons enough for Traitors to fear for their team, Ministry can report that Texans’ offense will be made whole once more with return of lightning fast Will Fuller to play opposite DeAndre Hopkins on Sunday.
Traitors are scared, comrades, scared of might of our glorious Texans, and really, why shouldn’t they be? Nothing can stand in way of people’s football team of Texas!
Glory to Mother Houston!