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Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Week One Preview - Jacksonville Jaguars

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This is the most objective, unbiased news source for the Houston Texans you’ll ever find.

We Are At War With Jacksonville. We Have Always Been At War With Jacksonville.

Stand for People’s Anthem of the Houston Texans.

Comrades! Long bleak offseason has finally shed pall in favor of warm, radiant glow of living, breathing football! And with return and all joy that it entails, all loyal, football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans will be expected to take up annual great patriotic cause of bringing yet another championship to proud citizens of the motherland!

Journey will be long. There will be great hardship and great reward. Reward, comrades, not just for you, but for all those who have yet to experience full might and promise revolution of Texans has already bestowed upon Mother Houston. They may not come to light of our great cause easily. They might not come to it at all. Others might even try to sabotage it, both from within and from without. But know this, all will feel effects of our revolutionary spirit, our fervor. First benighted fools who will be shown ill-fated path are hairballs, feline sputum of Jacksonville; a place that has been generously called bastard love child of Florida and Georgia, wanted by neither of them and abandoned in whiskey crate only to be rescued and nursed by brain-damaged hamsters.

That tragic story of the city’s founding, which has been corroborated by highly objective Ministry of Information sources as entirely true, is reflected by team that shares city’s name. Because only team built and managed by deranged rodents would insist on keeping players like Blake Bortles and whatever mishmash of spare parts they cobbled together to create offensive line whose names Ministry has not even bothered to learn due to our utter indifference.

To claim that Blake Bortles’ tenure as starting quarterback for furballs has been shambolic would be offense to all other shambles that came beforehand. Who else other than feckless Bortles could throw interceptions off of various parts of his receivers’ anatomy other than hands? Such feat is not to be taken lightly, seeing as traitor, and noted sleeper agent for the Broncos, [UNPERSON], who has now proven himself a blubbering simp who cannot be trusted around kitchen appliances, could not even dream to throw such awe-inspiring wretchedness even on best day!

What possible fresh horrors could Bortles have up mechanically unsound sleeve? Nobody knows, not even Bortles himself. Despite all this, sketchy reports from less-than-reputable sources claim that Bortles has injured wrist on throwing arm. It causes many within Ministry of Information to wonder if anybody would notice difference if wrist were injured or healthy? We at Ministry seriously doubt it. It is hard, comrades, to not be impressed with such ineptitude as to invite open quarterback battle with perennial ham-handed quarterback Chad Henne. Furballs can but hope to have quarterback stability of our glorious Texans and only starting quarterback we’ve ever experienced in Comrade O’Brien’s illustrious reign: Tom Savage.

But let us move away from stench of utter failure and on to other parts of inconsequential team. New to team, and as yet untainted by the wafting miasma which saps all talent from team, is arrogant Leonard Fournette. After his first taste of NFL action, he declared that playing at NFL level, and specifically against the Texans, would be easy. One can easily understand his error. He did, after all, face off against pretender patriots of lesser England. They proved to be little more than nuisance for our glorious Texans. Een mediocre runners like Fournette could do damage against patriots. However, Fournette has yet to experience legitimate NFL-caliber defense, and Texans’ defense will consume arrogant running back, mind, body, and soul, on Sunday. There can be no doubt to this inevitability.

Reports are also coming out about enmity between Marshal of the Texans, and symbol of coaching excellence throughout the league, Bill O’Brien, and latest empty track suit to pace the sideline for furballs, Doug Marrone. To hear Marrone tell it, the two of them have hated each other since their days at Georgia Tech, where our Dear Leader would routinely outshine Marrone with breathtakingly beautiful offensive play calls. This antipathy goes deep for Marrone, but is misguided. Highly credible sources with Ministry of Information have on good authority that sole reason he hates our great leader of men is because he is jealous of him. Jealous of his inscrutable success, jealous of the juggernaut that O’Brien has built with help from series of five year plans instituted by Comrade Smith, jealous of his very appearance.

Below is image of just how low pitiful Marrone’s self-confidence is. He even thinks own face is inferior to that of our comrade!

Marrone should not feel so bad about obvious inferiority to our Supreme Leader that he should get surgery to look more like him. It takes more than chin, after all, to equal strategic genius, expert time management skills, and snazzy dress sense.

Despite all this and constant failings as a football team and quite possibly as people, the furballs still had decency to offer their stadium, a mere shell of stadium compared to the palace that is NRG Stadium, and switch games with glorious Texans in their time of struggle. We at Ministry appreciate gesture and are grateful that such kindness would not prove to be too much inconvenience for their season ticket holders; of course this would assume that anybody would pay money to acquire season tickets to furballs.

People’s Football Team of Texas will play home opener on Sunday as scheduled, however, and people of Mother Houston will stand ready to defend their home, their team, which is pride of state, against all comers. The cause beckons to all, comradee. Take up great endeavor that awaits us all. Take up cause for Mother Houston, for all Houstonians, for our unbreakable revolutionary spirit!

To triumph of Mother Houston and her Texans, lead us on!