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Hair of the Dog (Texans-Colts): It Is Done

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The BRB gang drift in and out to talk about the Texans’ season finale against the Colts.

And now, a brief message from the Houston Sports Minister of Information:

Comrades! Today is day of great joy and celebration for football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans. League, with its vast conspiracy of Elwayists and traitors to Motherland, has sabotaged what was to be our return to championship greatness.

Nature attempted to smash our city and our spirit. We remain undeterred by nature’s rage. Dozens of players cruelly injured by vile machinations of other players, jealous that their talent will always be insignificant compared even to our third string players. They will mend. And worst of all, our esteemed comrade, Marshal of Texans Rick Smith has been called away to attend to family matter. People of Houston and our glorious Texans wish him and his family triumphant recovery against decadent aggression of cancer.

We do not forget slight. We do not forgive those who have worked to obstruct, to sabotage, our great work. Today, comrades, we focus on rebuilding our great war machine. We will reclaim division, which is ours by rights and by will of fans and players of Houston. Let this last season be consigned to ash heap of history. It is immaterial! We will become bigger, stronger, more powerful than ever before. Among imperialist toadies of league, we will be revered. No. Far more than revered, we will be feared!

Stone walls do not prison make, nor iron bars cage. Neither of those, nor any team in league, can ever hope to contain People’s Football Team of Texas, strength of the people of Houston and legitimate leader of AFC South, only relevant division of football!

Lead us on to inevitable triumph of Texans, and let us strive to make 2018 year of Revolution of our Texans!

Our thanks to the Minister of Information. Glory to Mother Houston.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe to read while at work hung over.

Enjoy!

Pre-Game:

Mike

Well, that was absolutely awfu... wait... game hasn't started. I'll be back later to finish that sentence.

First Quarter:

(Fairbairn makes a deep field goal, Texans lead 3-0.)

UT

Holy crap, this is the first lead the Texans have had since the Traitors game.

Second Quarter:

Tim

Kevin Johnson has been really, really bad this season. The secondary may be every bit the concern the offensive line is.

UT

So not only an offsides call, but Cushing just decided "eh, [kitten] it" and left Doyle completely unguarded.

Tim:

I remain fascinated to see where Brian Cushing plays next year. I’d bet he’s a Patriot.

UT

I kind of wonder if he'll go back to Jersey and play for the Giants instead.

Tim

I’d rank the likelihood as Patriots, Giants, Jets.

UT

And Will Fuller is out again with a knee injury.

I think that might screw up our chances of winning the game today.

(Alfred Blue scores for the Texans. Texans lead 10-7.)

Tim

This race to the bottom is exponentially more entertaining to watch than most of the drek we’ve been subjected to the last two months.

UT

As iron sharpens iron so does marshmallow sharpen marshmallow.

Does anybody know if Jacksonville has anything to play for today against the Traitors?

Tim

I don’t think so. Tennessee, however, has to win to get into the playoffs.

UT

That's what I was afraid of. They'll bench everyone and Tennessee will waltz into the playoffs and I'll start violently throwing up as a result.

Tim

I want the Titans to make it. There’s talk of them firing Mularkey if they lose today. I want him in Nashville forever.

UT

I understand what you're saying, and I too want them to keep Mularkey and his amazing mediocrity forever, but Tennessee fans do not deserve happiness ever.

Also holy [kitten] that Chris Thompson catch was impressive on its own, let alone with that Colts defender trying to twist his head clean off.

BFD

Alright, I'm back, y'all. Sorry. My computer went Galt on me.

During the pre-game: "Alfred Blue is a fantastic complimentary back."

Alfred Blue:fantastic complimentary back::bfd:Miss Teen Bikini

UT

Mrs. UT appreciates the proper use of analogy colons there.

/rereads sentence

//nods

///giggles because he's still 13 years old

BFD

Alfred Blue so far (midway through the 2nd quarter): 13 rushes and 34 yards (2.6 ypc), 1 TD. Yet, the announcers can't stop talking about him.

UT

They need SOMETHING to talk about, no matter how wrong it is.

BFD

The only thing worse than the Colts' D is having the FFL championship game during Week 17.

/looks at UT

(Fairbairn makes field goal. Texans lead 13-7.)

UT (to BFD)

Life is just a series of trials for you, isn't it BFD?

Halftime:

Tim

I’m enjoying this game. I feel like Nero.

BFD

What the [kitten] was the playcalling to send the first half??? Kinda make like you want to do something but don't? Why not just kneel? When I see stupid [kitten] like that, it reminds me why I want BOB gone.

UT

That did seem kind of weird at the half. I guess they figured they didn't think they could make anything happen at the half and just let it go?

BFD

UT

You'll always be our ice princess, BFD.

Tim

Who won the Texans jean jacket this year?

UT (to Tim)

(Intentionally not acknowledging whoever actually won) Jeremy, I think.

Ryan

And can said winner email me their address

BFD

Ahem.

Ryan. RYAN. RYAN!!!! Send me my jacket.

Jeremy

I won a Texans jean jacket? Is this a dream?

BFD (to Jeremy)

More like [UT]'s.

UT (to Jeremy)

This is 2017. Facts have no meaning anymore. So sure, you won the jacket.

BFD

FAKE VIEWS.

Third Quarter:

UT

JJo and Hilton are jawing at each other and I can't even begin to understand why.

Jeremy

J-Jo ending his Texans career with a bang.

(Colts score a TD, lead 14-13.)

UT

The inevitable happened, No-Name running back scored a touchdown.

[Ed. Note: The following took place before we learned what happened with Rick Smith’s family, so keep this in mind.]

Weston

I'm alive and am driving through West Texas listening to this game, and, Rick Smith is getting canned?

UT

From what I've read on Twitter, it sounds like one of the conditions for keeping BOB here is getting Rick Smith out of a player personnel role at minimum.

The Browns are so close to an unwinfeated season I can just taste it.

Diehard Chris

I've watched Braxton Miller "block" on a couple of running plays and wow, he puts in zero effort to that part of his game. I'm sure that has a lot to do with all the time he's spent in O'Brien's doghouse this year.

UT

Yates kind of somersaulted for a first down and I gotta say they should make that a rule in the NFL.

BFD

Blue is now 17 rushes for 35 yards, or 2.1 ypc.

Fourth Quarter:

UT

The final quarter of the season.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure.

Tim

Except the Titanic had the decency to sink in less than two months.

BFD

Kareem Jackson with the single most enthusiastic third down stop in the 4th quarter in a meaningless game on Week 17 in the history of the NFL.

Whoo.

(Yates is sacked in the end zone for a safety. Colts lead 16-13.)

UT

In case you forgot why Rick Smith should not have a say in how a football team is constructed, ladies and gentlemen, the Texans Offensive Line!

BFD

A safety? We've reached peak Texans.

Tim

That safety perfectly encapsulates the performance of Houston’s offensive line in 2017. Bravo.

(Colts kick a field goal. Lead 19-13.)

UT

Apparently the Texans are close to breaking a franchise record for most points given up by a defense.

Lovely.

Ryan

So...if BoB returns? Is it still a negative to have his defensive coaching staff return?

Jeremy (to Ryan)

90% of the issues this year are personnel related, not coaching. So no.

UT (to Ryan)

I'd say so. I mean even with the injuries, what on this defense has Mike Vrabel shown that leads anyone to think he's got what it takes to be a DC let alone a potential HC?

Jeremy

Only positive to come out of this loss is the Texans will get a home game next year against the Browns. Also get a road game against Denver rather than having to go to Oakland.

(Texans lose 22-13. End season with 4-12 record.)

UT

Weston

lol

Perfect

Got any thoughts on the Texans game? The season? The blatant overuse of images in this week’s Hair of the Dog? Say something about it, preferably in the comments.