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The Joy of Texans Football with Billy Bob Ross

It’s time for some happy little field goals and peaceful, quiet draw plays with Billy Bob Ross.

[80s Soft Rock theme plays gently]

Hi. Welcome back to “The Joy of Texans Football.” Certainly glad to see you again. I’m Billy Bob Ross, and I’ll be your host for the next half hour or so. Today, I thought we’d just do some simple portrayals of some fantastic football plays which, I think, will uplift the spirit and just be a whole lot of fun. So right now we’ll just run a quick list of the colors that we’ll be using so you can paint along with us.


Now as you can see, I’ve started with my usual stretched canvas, about 18” by 24”, and I’ve started with a base of just plain McNair White and let it dry under the light of the silvery moon. It’s fully dry now, so we can start painting.

First thing, I thought we’d start with a simple scene of the single greatest play in modern football today. So I’m going to use the ol’ two-inch brush and get a bit of the Fake Grass Green, a little dab of the Liberty White, and just start creating a little gridiron, just a big wide stretch of ground for us to start our first game with. You take that mix, and just get it a little bit on the brush. Tap it gently just to get an even distribution and we’ll just do criss-crosses on this McNair White canvas.

There. Just like that. You don’t want to press too hard. You don’t want to get all kinds of turf monsters popping. Those aren’t any fun for anybody. We want to make sure this is fun for everybody involved. That’s nice.

Let’s go ahead and add some end zone color. I’m going to take some of this Liberty White and just a touch of the Deep Steel Blue, and using your fan brush, let’s just add the Texans logo. Right there, just as smooth as silk. And let’s go ahead and add a pair of referees. I know they aren’t too popular, but they’re just doing their job. Just doing their job as best they can.

Remember this is your own little world. You have total control over the play you’re going to make here. Now we need to get a couple of teams here, don’t we? Let’s start with putting together a Houston Texans squad. Yeah, let’s do that. So take a bit of the Steel Blue, the Liberty White, and just a hint of Battle Red, and put it on a little fan brush here. Just the little one. Why? Doesn’t matter, Brian. It’s all your decision.

Now we load up the brush with this beautiful color and we’ll just start sketching out a handful of players. And let’s make them some offensive players. Yeah, just put the offense on the field. We like it when the Texans have the ball. Oh yeah, that’s nice. Right there, just tap the tips of the bristle on the field. Remember, Brian, thin paint will stick to thick paint, but thick paint won’t stick to thin paint.

We’ve got a happy little Deshaun Watson and we’ve given him a bit of an undersized offensive line who aren’t very good at their jobs. Sometimes it’s fun to just create a challenge for yourself and figure out how to get around it. And maybe there’s a receiver on the right side and a happy little Alfred Blue, which is not a color we’re using today, waiting in the backfield. Remember, you can put these players wherever you want, it’s totally your decision as the coa—I mean, artist.

There, just like that. Be gentle, very gentle; especially with those linemen. It doesn’t take much to ruin them. Very delicate.

Now we’re going to need a team for this offense to go up against. Let’s just pick some no-account team. Maybe the Cowboys. To do that, I’m going to use a lot of the Gorilla Crap Silver and Some Other Kind of Blue, I Guess. Start tapping your canvas to put up a defense, such as it is.

Here’s where you need to start making some decisions. Where is the secondary? How is the front seven lined up? You may have noticed that we’re not putting a lot of detail in this defense. You don’t need much. Just push the bristles down hard onto the canvas. You might think this lack of detail is criminal but, hey, that’s the Cowboys for you. There. Just a little bit of defense to go up against the offense. That’s nice.

Now, let’s get a play going here, shall we? Yeah, let’s take ol’ Alfred Blue there and run him right into the middle of the line. Remember, it’s your world when you paint. And in this world, in my world, Alfred Blue, and all running backs no matter how they’re built or what the play design is, love to run into the middle of the defense. So I’m just going to take my little brush here and move Blue up to the middle. You don’t need much color here, just enough to give the illusion of movement here, which is really appropriate for Alfred Blue.

(Ed. Note: I couldn’t edit these GIFs in Photoshop, so humor me on this. Also, credit to Matt Weston for both GIFs.)

You know what? We need a little friend on this canvas. Blue needs a friend. I’m going to take a bit of the Midnight Black and McNair White and move the referee over to Blue to check on him and blow the play dead once it’s over. And we’ll—we’ll just give him a look of mild concern because even he knows that Blue is in way over his head. But he won’t say that. He doesn’t need to say that. It’s just a little secret that the ref and we all know. Alfred doesn’t need to be bothered by such thoughts. At the end of the play, we’ll just give Alfred a yard for his trouble. He’ll feel like he accomplished something, and everybody could use a little encouragement every now and again, right? Of course they can.

We just need to put a little dab of the Steel Blue beneath the Gorilla Crap Silver, some Some Other Kind of Blue, and Other White. Get his number right there on his back, so the world knows who got the needed yards. We might not see his face, but you can get the sense of accomplishment from Blue after one yard. I like that, and that’s why I like creating these short yardage run plays up the middle. It’s the small, almost insignificant things that can bring the greatest sense of happiness sometimes. I think this one’s about done, so let’s move on to the next play I wanted to start with here.

This one will use pretty much the exact same list of colors at the first painting. Again, we’ve got our stretched canvas and we’ll just take a bit of the [Kitten] That’s Yellow and start working on making a pair of goalposts. Because this time, I feel like this is a nice little scene at the end zone. We’ll use our large paint knife and just get a little roll of the [Kitten] That’s Yellow and with no pressure, no pressure at all, just draw the knife down. Yeah, that’s good. Now the other post just a little bit off to the right, and the next thing you know you’ve got some nice happy little goalposts waiting for you.

I look at these goalposts and I feel like this is a field goal situation. I don’t know why exactly, but field goals just speak to me, you know? A good, safe, little situation where points are easy to come by, and everybody loves points, don’t they? Sure they do.

Now we’re going to need some special teams players to make up our little field goal unit for our scene. So we’re going to need a lot of the Deep Steel Blue, a bit of Liberty White, and just the barest hint of Battle Red. Get them all mixed together, but not too well. Leave this color nice and marbled so it’s not all combined together. Use your little chisel brush and just tap the canvas gently with it. Very, very gently.

If you’re feeling brave, after filling in our special teams boys, you can take some of the Fake Grass Green and using the ol’ liner brush you can start filling in the space around some of these players. But you don’t have to. It’s all your world. You get to make the call, Brian.

Just like in the last painting, we’ll need a defense who’ll threaten to stop the field goal. Conflict is essential to making a great little painting about football, even if the action is all still, or even moving very slowly. Let’s get a bit of the Gorilla Crap Silver and Some Other Kind of Blue, I Guess and McNair White and dab some Cowboys. Again, you don’t have to worry about detail because they don’t matter as much to this. Nobody’s paying attention to them here.

And we can see that indifference in the players, how they barely look interested in trying to stop the oncoming field goal. These happy little field goals can cause a lot of problems to certain teams and this is one of them. Maybe one day they’ll learn that the field goal is the cornerstone for any good, solid, functioning offense.

Now there’s just the matter of filling in the rest of the canvas, so go ahead and load up on the Fake Grass Green on a two-inch fan brush and just sweep over the McNair White canvas. Be careful not to go too crazy with it because a little of the Fake Grass Green can go a long way. Just keep the hash marks in mind while you’re painting. Once you paint the field, take a bit of paint thinner and mix it with the McNair White, and just take a little liner brush, just a little liner brush, and mark them in. Remember a thin paint always sticks to a thick paint.

And let’s get a little referee in the background with some of the Midnight Black and more McNair White. Just a little hint of it, just enough to know that the referee is there, watching silently over the game.

Let’s have a bit of fun and go paint the whole field goal process.

There. Oh, I like that. That’s nice. I love to do these happy scenes of points being scored by the Texans, and without as much risk of injury as a normal football play. It really is the best way possible to score.

And with this, I think we’ll call these plays finished. I really hope you enjoyed these pictures. They’re very easy to create and they’re sure to cause your friends to react in ways you might not even expect of them. And that’s what makes calling and painting these plays so much fun, at least for me.

That’ll do it for us today. From all of us here, I’d like to wish you happy football, and bless you, my friend.

[80s Soft Rock theme plays gently]