Hair of the Dog - Texans vs. Bills

I don’t really want to talk much about Sunday’s win over the Bills because it feels like we’ve seen it three times in a row now and it’s gotten no more interesting than the first time it happened.

I don’t want to rail against Brain O’Brien because the warts are all there. We all know what they are, and they’re not improving either.

We have six games’ worth of data to go on in 2018 and this is what we have to expect: a team that can push the rock between the 20s until they reach the five yard line and absolutely never beyond the one yard line. Until the Texans can, or even if they can, get around that roadblock, this is what we have to expect from Bill O’Brien. It’s no use getting particularly upset (despite our reactions below), because it’s pretty much this for the rest of the season.

The worst part is that it’s football, and football, and this offense, is supposed to be fun, yet it has singularly failed to consistently be that. But it’s just a game, and in the grand scheme of things, as I’ve discovered recently, there is more to life, much, much more to it, than football. That’s not a conversation to have here on a football blog. Right now let’s just vent about the latest Texans game. After all, you paid to be here, right?

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced by the word [kitten] to make reading this safe for work. Because we care about you and want you to remain gainfully (or semi-gainfully) employed.

First Quarter:

UT

They better friggin’ win this game.

Buffalo Bill Weston

Josh Allen is [kitten]ing absurd

UT

The worst third down converting team in the NFL faces the team that gives up the most third down conversions in the league. Is that true? No idea, but all that matters is that I FEEL like that’s true.

Honey Badger finally showing signs of life.

Buffalo Bill Weston (to UT)

He was super early and that was a bad call.

Brett

I know we are going to say this a lot today, but Josh Allen’s arm is insane.

UT

Who botched their assignment because that guy was completely undefended.

Capt Ron

Mercilus jogs off the field. What? I had no idea he was ON the field...

Brett

Neither of those sacks were Deshaun’s fault either. Just straight up terrible blocking.

(Buffalo muffs the punt, Texans recover)

UT

I don’t know if I’m more excited about recovering the ball or discovering a special teams unit worse than ours!

Brett

I’m not used to us having competent special teams.

UT

There’s our happy little run up the middle for a yard (or not).

BFD

I’m old enough to remember when the Texans didn’t need a franchise left tackle.

Brett

Absolutely fantastic pocket presence from Deshaun there to convert 3rd and 18.

(Touchdown from Watson to Hopkins, Texans lead 7-0)

UT

My [Kitten] Nuk, that’s just unfair.

Kenneth L.

Hopkins hands are the best in the league. Change my mind.

BFD

THAT IS THE THROW I’VE BEEN MISSING THIS YEAR, DESHAUN.

Hopkins is a freak.

Luke

That was so freaking dope.

Brett

And it was a laser too. Didn’t loft it, didn’t wait to pull the trigger. Just made his decision and fired the missile.

Buffalo Bill Weston

SPACE CENTER in game footage sign me up

UT

Minus the space shuttle which is ours by rights [kitten]dammit.

BFD

This is silly, but I love seeing a #5 in on tackles on special teams.

Capt Ron

Best hands in the league! Way to go, NUK!!

UT

Hey, good for you, Ervin, you didn’t drop the ball.

BFD

I’ve been begging for McKinney to do more A gap blitzing on BRR all season. He’s so good at it.

Kenneth L.

Clowney 2018 sack count: 3

UT

I’m tempted to just post a pic of Billy Bob Ross every time they run up the middle for one yard, but I think I’ll use up all the bandwidth on my computer doing so.

Capt Ron (to UT)

Especially when his color of choice up the middle is “Blue.”

(Texans bailed out by another penalty against Buffalo)

I think BOB has evolved from the all field goal offense to the all penalty offense.

It’s like a really stupid Pokemon.

Capt Ron

I really love this uniform combo and wish it was the standard for home games.

Also, regarding the BOB Ross theme, why isn’t #28 “purple.” Red and Blue make....

Second Quarter:

MDC

The screen. Yay.

UT (to MDC)

You’d prefer another run up the middle for marginal gain?

MDC (to UT)

Call me crazy, but I’d prefer we abandon both of those plays.

UT (to MDC)

So would I. So would all of us, but that’s not the world we live in. We live in Hellworld so we are stuck with one or both of those plays in heavy rotation.

(After a trick play where Hopkins overthrows Lamar Miller for a sure touchdown)

The same guy who will run up the middle 30 times a game will also have Watson toss to Nuk who throws a near touchdown pass to Miller who has alligator arms or something.

(Texans block a Bills punt, recover the ball)

Capt Ron

J-Jo has clearly discovered The Fountain of Youth! Share the secret please.

Blocked punt recovered by the Texans!

Kenneth L.

When was the last time we blocked a punt?

MDC

This playcalling is like someone describing a tumor through interpretive dance.

Buffalo Bill Weston (to MDC)

You broke my brain

(Texans get a field goal, lead Buffalo 10-0)

UT

Glory to, ah, you know the drill.

The one comforting thing about this team is knowing that in fantasy leagues that taking Ka’imi Faibairn is a terrific investment always.

Buffalo Bill Weston

J.J. Watt is going to have a 20 sack season.

Capt Ron

Sack #7 on the season for J.J. Watt!

(Watson overthrows Will Fuller on a deep bomb)

UT

[Kitten], just barely overthrew Fuller.

Buffalo Bill Weston

[Kitten] Fuller just outruns the DB without even making a move

Capt Ron

There is “taking the top off a defense” and then there is “complete decapitation.” [Kitten], Fuller!! That’s impressive!

Brett

And you know that Deshaun can really put some air on that ball if he can STILL overthrow that kind of speed.

Capt Ron

Anyone know the time of possession? Feels like 90/10 in favor of Houston. I like it!

Buffalo Bill Weston

This game is as boring as I thought it would be. This is pleasant.

(Watson throws incomprehensible pick into the end zone)

UT

What the [kitten] was that Deshaun?

Capt Ron

I want Houston to invest the stock of the next two drafts into offensive linemen. They are going to get Watson killed.

MDC (to UT)

He heard Weston say the game was boring, so he wanted to spice it up. Deshaun is a people pleaser.

Halftime Reactions:

Capt Ron

Trainers are wiping blood off Watson’s pants.

That’s normal right?

Buffalo Bill Weston

Houston has 10 points aided by short fields because of two punting [kitten]ups. Josh Allen is absurd. Nothing else really to see here.

Capt Ron

The good:

Watson is playing loose, and mostly successful with a few mistakes.

Hopkins has the league’s best hands.

Coutee and Fuller are under-underutilized by “run-it-up-the-middle BoB.”

Watt and Clowney together is a fun and unfair advantage.

Jospeh and The Honey Badger are playing lights out!

The bad:

This offensive line is seriously bad.

Mercilus is still on a milk carton. Please increase the reward for the search effort.

Third Quarter:

(Watson pass gets swatted down, caught by a Buffalo defender)

MDC

Siiiiiigh.

UT

That pick was not Deshaun’s fault.

(Bills kick a field goal. Texans lead 10-3)

Capt Ron

Great play design there for Blue to catch the checkdown short of the first down on third and four. Why can’t they run a play ACROSS the [kitten] first down marker?

Oh wait, O’Brien likes turtling when he has a one-score lead.

UT

Watt is coming off the field and aw [kitten] not again.

Buffalo Bill Weston

Jeff Allen stiff arms J.J. Watt, rolls left and finds Kelvin Benjamin for 42. He’s absurd.

Capt Ron

Looks like Watt has something wrong with his right arm. Hopefully just a stinger and he shakes it off.

UT

Is...is Watson being conservative here? Ever since he went 5-5, he’s been 5-12 with two picks. I wonder if he’s getting gunshy since that pick in the end zone.

Capt Ron

He went down awkwardly on that hand/wrist. Hope it’s nothing serious.

Meanwhile, Ryan Friffen represents the TE’s in this series with a classic 0/2-receptions performance.

(Josh Allen injures his elbow, enter Nathan Peterman)

Buffalo Bill Weston

[Kitten]it it’s Josh Allen. And that was a nice post route hit.

Oh, no, that’s Nathan Peterman’s music.

UT (to Buffalo Bill Weston)

Shall we start calling you Bill Weston now?

(Hauschka with the field goal. Texans lead 10-6)

Capt Ron

NRG is the holy shrine of field goal worship. Of course they made that kick.

Buffalo Bill Weston

I don’t know. I’m getting so dumb now.

Yeah, every single game this year is dumber than dog shit.

(After another sack, fumble, and turnover)

UT

::watches sack and fumble::

I have died of dysentery.

Kenneth L.

Do we pull Watson???

Capt Ron

O’Brien’s offense is like watching a rodent trying to escape a sticky-pad trap. Just ugly and ineffective with an inevitable outcome unless something unusual happens to set it free.

UT

This offensive line is a toilet fire.

Buffalo Bill Weston

Kendall Lamm getting beat and setting up the strip sack by Trent Murphy is perfect.

Capt Ron

This may be the first season since the team’s inception that I don’t attend a game. I just can’t justify the money for this garbage.

Fourth Quarter:

Buffalo Bill Weston

I miss Allen so much already

O’Brien is furious Buffalo is trying outfield goal them. No way BUF doesn’t not score a TD here.

(Clowney gets TFL by dragging the runner down by his dreadlocks)

UT

Pulled him down by the dreadlocks. I think I just screamed out loud.

Capt Ron

Clowney with a dreadlock-deadlock TFL!

Luke

Dread it, run from it, Clowney arrives all the same.

Also this game isn’t about winning anymore, it’s about not losing.

Also how concerned should we be that Watson hasn’t thrown a ball farther than 20 yards in the past two weeks? The thing which made this offense interesting(deep passing) has just vanished.

(Zay Jones receiving touchdown, Bills lead 13-10)

UT

Nathan Peterman to Zay Jones for a Buffalo touchdown.

I’m going to say that again because it’s vaguely important. NATHAN [KITTEN]ING PETERMAN just scored a touchdown against the Texans.

You would think it would be impossible for a toilet, composed of water, metal and porcelain, to combust but by [Kitten], the Texans offensive line is just so awful that they managed to do it.

In a twisted way it’s kind of impressive.

(To Luke) He threw a deep ball today to Fuller, he just overthrew it.

Buffalo Bill Weston (to UT)

Yeah, but one downfield attempt isn’t nearly enough, especially with the outside speed and Micah Hyde wobbling around back there.

UT (to Buffalo Bill Weston)

Agreed. Something isn’t right here.

Kenneth L. (to Luke)

I think Watson is running for his life and too afraid to look more than 5 feet in front of him. He is holding on to the ball for too long

Capt Ron

What time is that first pitch tonight?

[Ed. Note: I’m writing this during the eighth inning of Game Two and no. Don’t do it, Ron! Nothing good awaits you here!]

UT (to Capt Ron)

6:10 for you heathens.

Buffalo Bill Weston (to Capt Ron)

Who’s pitching?

Capt Ron (to Buffalo Bill Weston)

Cole

Buffalo Bill Weston (to Capt Ron)

against price?

UT (to Buffalo Bill Weston)

Right, so that means despite the 6:10 start time, tonight’s game will end some time around midnight.

This game’s going to go to overtime isn’t it?

MDC (to UT)

That’s the only way to win, [UT], so yes.

Capt Ron

RAC needs to throw some heat in here. He’s making me miss Wade so much.

Buffalo Bill Weston

WELCOME TO HELL

Capt Ron

I’d like an emergency uniform change to be approved for the Texans: wrap the offensive linemen in police tape and see if Buffalo will at least respect that.

BFD

The Brain O’Brain apologists are going to be out in force today!

UT

I am out of what little [kitten]ing patience I had for this offensive line.

And now Fuller’s dead.

Buffalo Bill Weston

Fuller’s dead and Houston is going to kick a FG

BFD

This field goal is going to be - wait for it - AWESOME!

Capt Ron

He sacrificed his buttocks for a great cause.

Except now the Bills have the Texans’ offense right where they want them. Knocking on the impenetrable goal line before the inevitable field goal to ensure a third consecutive overtime game.

(Texans, first and goal at the one. Put that in your back-[kittening]-pocket everybody)

UT

We’re gonna get a Wattcat, aren’t we?

BFD

Alfred Blue up the middle is pure Brain O’Brain.

Kenneth L.

Here we [kitten]ing go again

UT

Then a jet sweep for a loss.

Next is a WR screen and then we have bad play bingo.

Kenneth L.

This is like watching a child run across I-10

BFD

This series is peak Texans.

Buffalo Bill Weston

First and 2 becomes second and 3 which becomes third and 4 then a false start makes it 3rd and 9.

(Texans kick a field goal, obviously. Game tied at 13)

UT

This is so going to overtime.

Luke

I just let out a big fat REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE after watching that series.

BFD

Dearest Brain O’Brain apologists, please fill out the following: this is not BOB’s fault because _______.

UT

Mrs. UT just said she’s willing to chip in 20 bucks toward the statue of Ka’imi Fairbairn, the Texans most consequential player in the O’Brien era, that the team will undoubtedly build after he retires.

Buffalo Bill Weston

Josh Allen leader of men

(Peterman throws a pick six to Johnathan Joseph, scores. Texans lead 20-13)

UT

NO [KITTEN]IT, YOU’RE [KITTEN]ING UP OUR OVERTIME PLANS!!!

Capt Ron

The GM needs to fire the OC. That many trips inside the 5-yard line in games this season without touchdowns is asinine.

Buffalo Bill Weston

I hate Bill O’Brien

Luke

[Kitten] this team.

Capt Ron

Joseph’s Fountain of Youth disrupts Brain’s master plan for overtime!

BFD

Another game the Texans’ defense wins in the O’Brain error.

Brett

I literally can’t handle being a fan of this team. None of these games feel good, even when we win. We might be digging ourselves out of a 0-3 hole right now (fingers crossed), but holy [kitten] not a single one of these games have been remotely clean.

Jeremy

I literally can’t handle being a fan of this team. None of these games feel good, even when we win. We might be digging ourselves out of a 0-3 hole right now (fingers crossed), but holy shit not a single one of these games have been remotely clean.

UT

Hang on...Texans usually go at or near 8-8 since BOB took over. Lately we’ve been playing for overtime and trying to get the tie only to blow it at the last second.

Is Bill O’Brien trying to be Thanos or something?

(Kareem Jackson picks off Peterman, Texans take a knee and win 20-13)

Postgame Reactions:

UT

‘Twas not a clean win, nor a particularly honorable one, but a win nonetheless.

Capt Ron

These defensive plays by Joseph and Jackson to win the game will ensure O’Brain keeps his job a bit longer.

Me? If I was the owner? I’d fire him for incompetence in the red zone and let him be the first coach in NFL history to lose their job during a 3-game winning streak. His offense is miserable. The o-line is criminally and historically inept.

These last three games are not wins. They are anti-losses due to terrible performances by two head coaches and one Nate Peterman.

Buffalo Bill Weston

Un[kitten]ingbelievable

Brett

This team could be so good if they could figure out how to just get literally one yard in goal line situations. That one yard is what stands between them and a playoff run.

Capt Ron

“Ugly Times at the El NRG Royale”

Game Balls:

Offense: Ugh, do I have to? I guess it goes to DeAndre Hopkins for scoring the only offensive touchdown of the game. It could’ve gone to Deshaun Watson too, but he had a really rough game, so the tie goes to Nuk.

Defense: Johnathan Joseph for the game winning pick-six and for having a pretty solid day overall.

Special Teams: Ka’imi Fairbairn, again, being the primary pointscorer for the team.

Got someone else in mind for a game ball? Can you figure out how a toilet can burst into flames on its own? Is this one question too many to ask? Go ahead and let us know in the comments section.