Texans Offensive Coach Mike Devlin: That was one heck of a good practice, I’ll tell you. Those guys are improving every day. Wait...what’s this?
(looks at computer)
Devlin: Saaaaaay...I haven’t seen this since my days at the Tony Mandarich School of Offensive Line Coaching and Frozen Treats Academy. Should I...ah, one game ain’t gonna hurt anybody.
Devlin: Why won’t this start? I said “yes!” Oh, wait. Needs a number.
Devlin: I remember now. Okay, off we go.
Devlin: Eh, if I start at the Bills 25, it’ll be too easy. I like a challenge. So let’s go with one.
Devlin: Yikes. That’s a heck of a hit to take. Oh well, I still got this.
Devlin: Guess I should put in the left tackle’s name, he’s kind of the leader of the offensive line, isn’t he?
(looks around furtively to make sure nobody heard him)
Devlin: Now to fill in the rest of the crew.
Devlin: Now I need to build my team. Hmmm, this was always difficult in between shifts making ice cream cones. But this arrangement has done pretty well for me in the past, it’s working for my offensive line now, and it’ll work in this game again. And I’ve been in the league for years now, I’ll definitely win this time! First, let me set up how I want to build my offensive line.
Devlin: Awesomesauce. Now let’s win a game.
Devlin: That’s the kind of conditioning I like to see in my linemen. Let’s hit the trail!
Devlin: Ooof, bad start. But at least my linemen are holding up. I’m sure this isn’t a sign of things to come.
Devlin: Hot dog, I’m cookin’ now! Lemme see. Do I want to stop and look around? Nah, act like you’ve been there before, Mike. Let’s keep going!
Devlin: Aw man, typhoid?! We’ve barely started! Well he’s still in one piece at least. And the rest of the team is fine. This is fine. Everything is fine.
Devlin: Guh, I forgot how hard this game was. Well...it’s not like any of them got really hurt though, and their swagger is still strong, they can tough it out here. The next stretch will definitely be easier.
Devlin: That’s more like it! See, all you need for a good offensive line is lots and lots of swagger. Swagger is the key to victory. Let’s keep going!
Devlin: That’s what I’m talking about! At this rate, we’ll get that touchdown in no time. I think this time I will take a look around (hits spacebar)
Devlin: Aaaaah, magnificent! Those old graphics really take me back. Okay, back to the grind.
Devlin: Well, isn’t that helpful? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten the assist from the friendly referee, but I’ll definitely take him up on his offer (clicks Y)
Devlin: Oh, I’ve got this! Four downs to get a touchdown? I’m gonna win. I’m finally gonna win The Offensive Line Trail! Maybe I’ll even win it on the next down!
Devlin: Well shoot. No problem, I’ll surely get it on the next one.
Devlin: Oh come on! The line’s holding up...mostly...so why can’t I punch it in?! No more screwing around, I’m getting it on this next one.
Devlin: Dammit, Kendall, we’ve talked about this and talked about this.
O’Brien: Who you talking to in here, Mike?
Devlin: Oh, it’s this game. I’m running into a bit of a wall here.
O’Brien: Offensive Line Trail? I haven’t played that since Georgia Tech. You ever win it?
Devlin: Not once. You?
(O’Brien shakes head)
O’Brien: What down is it?
Devlin: Third and goal at the eight. Lamm just got a false start and died of cholera.
O’Brien: I would’ve thought him more of a dysentery guy.
Devlin: Nah, that was Julien.
O’Brien: Also makes sense. Well, let’s keep going.
Devlin: Right! (hits space bar)
Devlin: Grrrrrrr, this is bull[kitten]!
O’Brien: Fourth down and goal. Tough decision there, Mike.
Devlin (thinking): Hmmmm, if I throw the ball, maybe use an option, I might trick the defense. But...I don’t know if Deshaun Watson and company can do that because I’ve forgotten everything about last year.
O’Brien: What’s your decision, Brian—I mean, Mike?
Devlin: This! (presses button)
Devlin: I did it! I won! I won! I whu—NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Devlin shoves computer onto floor, smashes keyboard on desk)
O’Brien: I’ll just...give you a minute. If it makes you feel any better, I would’ve made the exact same decision.
Devlin: Thanks, Bill. Good to know that an actual NFL head coach would’ve made the same conservative decision I did.