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Three and Out: Texans-Jaguars Predictions

BRB gathers to predict Sunday’s AFC South showdown between the Texans and Jaguars.

Houston Texans v Jacksonville Jaguars Photo by Logan Bowles/Getty Images

After a disastrous start and the ugliest three-game winning streak in NFL history (I have no evidence of this, I’m just gonna roll with it), your Houston Texans (3-3) and Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3) find themselves on the precipice of a showdown for first place in the AFC South.

Let’s see how the BRB staff sees this one going. Brace yourselves.

Diehard Chris: Jaguars 22, Texans 13.

I really don’t see the Jaguars hanging a lot of points on the Texans due to Houston’s quickly improving defense and special teams. What I CAN see happening is Houston’s offense turning the ball over many, many times and putting the Jags in a good position to score one touchdown on a short fiel and kick a bunch of field goals after turnovers, three-and-outs, and basically a total domination of Houston’s sad-sack, nutless whimper of an offensive line. I just hope Deshaun Watson’s kidneys still function when one is inside his lung and the other is behind his collarbone.

Tim: Jaguars 13, Texans 10.

While I’m tempted to predict a win for the good guys and terrified at counting on anything Blake Bortles touches in any fashion, it says here Jacksonville’s defense forces one more turnover than Houston’s does, and that’s ultimately the difference in the game.

BFmf’nD: Glitter Kitties 38, Texans 10.

Brain O’Brain has shown little interest in helping Deshaun Watson gain time to throw the ball, whether via play action, moving the pocket, play calls, chipping pass rushers, or just anything a competent offensive coordinator might do.

Because of this, I believe this will be an ugly game in Florida (also known as “America’s Penis”).

A ham sandwich adds more value to this team than does Bill O’Brien.

MDC (Editor’s note: MDC!!): Jaguars 42, Texans 12.

Fun fact: Jacksonville is the largest city in America by square mileage. This is because, 50 years ago, the City of Jacksonville and Duval County, Florida consolidated, so that Jacksonville basically consists of all of Duval County. This is a simplification, but not by much.

I mention that because, honestly, I find it more interesting than an offense that relies on one-yard draws, ill-fated screens, and a QB-protection scheme that can be described as “Man, I hope Deshaun is made of adamantium.”

The optimist might look at how abysmal Blake Bortles has been the past few weeks and assume Houston has a chance. The realist, however, knows that a team that squeaks past the Fightin’ Petermans isn’t going to do a lot playing a road game at Tarp Field.

The “Maybe They’re Sneaky Good” farce comes to an end this weekend as the Jags roll over the Texans 41-12.

Capt. Ron: Texans 15, Jags 12.

With three consecutive shaky wins, thanks mostly to the opponents screwing up at the end, I have no data or justification to suggest the Texans will beat the Jaguars. However, Houston’s defense is rising and the special teams may be the best in franchise history (a low bar to clear).

I think Jacksonville’s defense will impose their will on Brain’s offense all day, but so could Katy High School for that matter. Bortles will be the catalyst to provide the fourth win by “opponent error” for the good guys.

Mike Bullock: Jaguars 31, Texans 16.

No matter how you spin it, the Jags’ defensive line against Houston’s offensive line, mixed with O’Brien’s play calling, equals Deshaun Watson sacks galore.

Thankfully, the Texans’ defensive line is pretty good too.

Titan Matt Weston, Slanderer of Blade Runner and a Huge Fan of the Texas Rangers who... sigh... forget it. The 2018 Astros are dead: Jaguars 16, Texans 13.

Both these quarterbacks are going to be mauled by bears. Their guts will be strewn and scattered. The Jags are down to their third left tackle. Jeremy Parnell can forget to kick-slide at times. Juli’en Davenport and Kendall Lamm can’t block #ELITE edge rushers and Bill O’Brien refuses to help his guys out.

J.J. Watt, Jadeveon Clowney, Calais Campbell, and Yannick Ngakoue. It’s going to be raucous. Both these quarterbacks should hang out in that non-chlorinated swamp water instead.

I think Jacksonville has a better overall defense. They’ll play man coverage on the outside, make Deshaun Watson run for his life a little more than Bortles will, and DW4 will have more turnovers than Bortles.

It’s going to be low scoring. It’s going to be a one-possession game. It’s going to be extremely dumb.

Ugly. Not as ugly as what happened to the Astros, but I can’t be mad. The World Series was a hell of a ride last year, and this season they... oh, this is a Texans site? My bad.

Deshaun Watson should use eye-black to scrawl his blood type on his jersey. The Texans’ medical staff should ensure there are plenty of organ donors nearby Sunday. Enjoy the game or whatever.