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Hair of the Dog - Texans v. Jaguars

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Ever wonder what the writing staff here at your favorite blog is thinking during the game? Well, read here and wonder no more.

NFL: Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars Reinhold Matay-USA TODAY Sports

I won’t take long on this section, mostly because I know you want to read the main part of this week’s Hair of the Dog, but mostly because it’s late and I want to go to bed. But despite the aggravation we as Texans fans go through on a weekly basis, and despite the anger and deep frustration that is shown below, it’s important for us all to remember that there are bigger things in life than football.

Yeah, I said it. In the last month or so, nobody has learned that lesson quite like I have. I won’t bore you with details, but suffice it to say, for the last three games or so, I’ve had a voice in the back of my head reminding me, with some success, that all of this, the footsballs and sporps we all love, it’s all just a game and ultimately, it’s not worth getting all that worked up about.

It’s all just a game.

That said, if you haven’t seen much of your family lately, do so. Call your mother, your father, siblings, friends, nieces, nephews, whatever. Call them now. Because you never know when or if you might get another chance. Just remember there are bigger things going on in the world around you. Much bigger things.

Call them. Or whatever. I’m not good at this mushy crap. Anyway, let’s get to The Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. You don’t want to see what we’re REALLY saying, it might cause your computer’s screen to melt.

Pre-Game Thoughts

Capt Ron

Instead of whining about the crappy offensive scheme that Brain insists on deploying each week, I decided to do some wining in Napa, CA this weekend.

I’ll take a peak on BRB and Twitter to see how things unfold today, and hopefully I have something good to watch on recorded replay when I get home tomorrow. Go Texans!

Weston

I’m horrified Deshaun Watson may burst into pink mist today

Brett

Prediction - Calais Campbell gets eleventy billion sacks today.

BFD

A couple of years ago, I got on Pancakes’ [kitten] because he acted like covering the Texans was the worst job in the world.

I’m starting to see his point.

MDC

I have Deshaun in both of my fantasy leagues. I benched him in both. Not because I don’t trust, but because I think benching him on my teams is the only way to protect him in real life.

UT

Deshaun Watson is going to get killed, if he does, everybody should be fired. From Jay Glazer

The Texans, concerned about the effect air pressure could have on Deshaun Watson’s bruised lung and injured ribs, sent Watson to Jacksonville via bus — a 12-hour ride — instead of taking flight w team. Amazing what Watson has been playing through.

BFD

What in the ever living [kitten] is this team doing to our franchise QB? The entire lot of them should be fired into the sun, then lose their jobs. NOW. Not if he gets killed. Right [kitten]ing now.

Weston

*Yannick Ngakoue is going to have eleventy billion sacks today

I’m so [kitten]ing excited for this game today.

UT

Our old friend [TexansDC] with a bit of wisdom (read also: no [kitten] Sherlock advice): If you’re that worried about his lungs then don’t let him play against Sacksonville. That’s inhumane.

Mrs. UT just now: Oh, there’s Fairbairn getting ready for his long day.

First Quarter

(Bortles fumbles the ball on the third play of the game. Texans recover.)

Jeremy

Clowney comin’

UT

THE BORTLESING! THE BORTLESING HAS BEGUN!!!

Weston

Whitney Mercilus exists?

That’s the one thing neither team can do.

Brett

[Kitten] Blake what the [kitten] lol

UT

And we’re getting yardage up the middle.

I really wish they’d stop doing that, it only encourages Brain to do it more often.

(Watson gets sacked to take the Texans out of the red zone. Fairbairn kicks field goal. Texans lead 3-0.)

UT

How do you avoid adding to your red zone woes? Get sacked outside the red zone!

Brain O’Brien, Super Genius.

Jeremy

Defense helps the Texans get on the board. Fairbairn nails the FG.

Weston

Mancz over extended and gave up the sack on that play

BFD

This team is officially a parody of itself.

UT

Can y’all imagine how awful this team would be if [UNPERSON] were behind this offensive line?

The only reason this team can do anything at all on offense is due to Watson, who Brain hates and is trying to kill.

Weston

[Kitten]ing crossing routes

UT

How the [kitten] is Deshaun not dead from those near sacks?

Jeremy

Deshaun got out of the sack and John McClain just yelled “[KIIIIIIIIIIIITTENNNNNNN]!” in the press box.

(Hopkins with an amazing one-handed catch.)

Hopkins Hopkins’d. First down Texans.

UT

Odell Beckham can suck it. DeAndre is DeBest receiver.

Kenneth L.

Hopkins is the best hands in the NFL

(Texans kick another field goal, lead 6-0.)

Jeremy

Ka’imi 6, Jags 0.

Kenneth L.

Jeremy over here quoting NFL Red Zone calls

UT

Ka’imi Fairbairn should be a first round pick in all fantasy leagues next year.

Jeremy

I’m coming for Scott Hanson’s job. He has literally the best job ever.

UT

God bless Blake Bortles and his knuckleballs, they’re keeping the Jags from exploiting our battle red carpet defense on third downs.

Weston

It’s cool Crennel is playing short zone against Jags unlike the leader of men last year who ran man with his slow corners against the zippy Jags receivers.

(Stock footage after coming back from commercial.)

Weston

[Kitten] yeah pumpkin stock footage

UT

That’s Duval As [Kitten].

Jeremy

Imagine if Deshaun had that much time... all the time.

Second Quarter

Weston

It [kitten]s me off how similar Fuller looks to Hopkins on the field. Long hair. Long sleeves. I can’t tell them apart at all.

Kenneth L.

I’ll take. 6-0 leaf into the quarter. It should be at least 10-0, but I’ll take it. Jags are terribly injured plus two easy drops that ended drives. Not the Jags of last year yet

UT (to Jeremy)

That’s not how greatness is made. Greatness comes when you give your quarterback roughly two seconds to make a hurried throw just nanoseconds before getting pulled down by a defensive lineman and watching as the ball sails into the sky, unsure of its final destination, like a parent sending its child on an airplane by itself for the first time.

That’s BOB football, to some it looks like child abuse, to others it’s an adventure.

Weston

I’d pay $5 for Werner Herzog to narrate the 2018 Texans Season Review

Poor Josh Walker. Imagine being a third LT and having to spend an entire game attempting to block Clowney.

UT

Bridge stock footage!

Jeremy

Keke has a bad hammy and is questionable to return. Injury bug is like a skeeter, they love the Texans.

UT

Lamar Miller with nine rushes for 57 yards, WHOSE RUNNING BACK IS THIS?!

Jeremy

This is Lamar’s best game of the season and it isn’t even remotely close.

UT

Did someone put polonium in the Jags’ defensive line’s Gatorade or something?

Weston

I thought the Ramsey play was fine, Hopkins came in low into him.

I’m shocked by how well they’re running the ball. Ahhh yes, there’s the false start.

Jeremy

Texans look around, recognize their surroundings, and retreat outside of the end zone.

UT

At this point, you cannot convince me that this red zone aversion is not by design.

Luke

Still in range for a FG though.

UT

Finally, a no-doubter field goal coming up!

(Watson throws into double coverage in the end zone...again. Does not get intercepted.)

Luke

That was so [kitten]ing dumb Deshaun.

UT

Deshaun, you know I love you and what you bring but please for the love of Durga, please stop throwing into double coverage in the end zone.

(Lamar Miller with a touchdown run. Texans lead 13-0.)

Weston

wtf you can do that?

Jeremy

Yes, you saw that correctly. The Texans were inside their own five and scored. This is not a drill.

UT

Lamar Miller in the end zone for the touchdown. These words do not make sense together but it happened.

Kenneth L.

Should have gone for 2

Luke

Okay, I’ll bite.

What’s the catch?

UT (to Luke)

I think the catch is that, as in all Texans games, that will be our lone touchdown of the game.

Alternate theory: the catch is the Jags offense finally wakes up.

Weston

I get giddy whenever Andrew Norwell gives up a pressure because PFF player grades are dumb.

Luke

That Cunningham attempted tackle.

UT

No, sure, let Bortles run, that can’t end badly.

Weston

It’s cool Mercilus exists again.

This game is an embarrassment for JAX. It’s also hilarious Houston is back to playing 2014-2016 football all over again.

UT

::props feet up on chair::

Don’t mind me, I’ll just be here raking in all the field goal fantasy points as Fairbairn will be the only scoring player the rest of the game.

Luke

STOP RUNNING IT

YOU HAD 40 SECONDS TO AT LEAST TRY SOMETHING.

Halftime Reactions

UT

Gimme y’all’s halftime reactions.

Luke

[KITTEN] OFF

BFD

It’s the seventh game of the season, and this is the first time the Texans’ offense has looked remotely close to the 2017 version. And yet, it’s still terrible.

What I am seeing is that Brain O’Brain is getting Watson outside of the pocket more often with bootlegs, and play action is helping take the edge off the non-Davenport pass rush.

Once again, it’s being set up with a big assist to the defense.

Weston

It looked like the 2017 version against IND and DAL. This isn’t the 2017 version. They’re just finally running the ball well. This is that Brian Hoyer offense with the possibility of the QB as a runner.

Third Quarter

UT

Tyler Ervin did a...thing?

This game makes NO sense.

Weston

Trevor Daniel is my favorite 2018 rookie

Kenneth L.

Another stupid penalty ends a Texans drive

That’s Daniel’s best punt so far

Jeremy

Never trust anyone with two first names unless it is Trevor Daniel because he’s amazing.

(Bortles fumbles the ball. Texans recover in the red zone.)

UT

Someone with two first names, Kareem Jackson, just got the Bortled ball!

Jeremy

Zach Cunningham doesn’t get enough love. He’s sooooo good.

Weston

Tyrann Mathieu sucks bro

(Watson throws to Hopkins for the touchdown. Texans lead 20-0.)

UT

The Texans have scored two (2!) red zone touchdowns! This is not a drill!

Also, why does everything taste purple right now?

Brett

I love Kareem Jackson at safety so [kitten] much.

Jeremy

Bortles fumbled on the third play of the first half and the third play of the second half.

(Jaguars bench Blake Bortles.)

UT

Bah [kitten], that’s Cody Kessler’s music!

MDC

They Abortled him.

Weston

I always get Cody Kessler and Kevin Hogan confused. This game is an atrocity and I love it. There’s too much scoring in the NFL nowadays. I needed this.

(Jags offense immediately “improves” with Bortles benching.)

UT

MOTHER[KITTEN]ER STOP GIVING UP THIRD DOWN CONVERSIONS!!

Weston

Crennel switches to off-man and the Jags move the football finally in the blandest way possible.

(Jags score a passing touchdown, you read that right. Called an illegal forward pass, challenged by Jacksonville, call overturned and touchdown counts. Texans lead 20-7.)

UT

I fully expect this touchdown to count because [kitten]it.

BFD (before the ruling.)

That’s a TD.

UT

And we haven’t even gotten to Brain’s fourth quarter bed [kitten]ing yet.

BFD

I smell QB controversy!

Seriously, though, with BOB’s ability to play for the loss, do you have any confidence in this team?

UT (to BFD)

None whatsoever.

Weston (to BFD)

Every game has to be a one possession game. It’s manifest destiny.

MDC (to BFD)

We’re gonna lose 21-20.

Fourth Quarter

UT

This offense is about to die of dysentery.

MDC

Brain O’Brain is going to see how well Deshaun has played this game and decide that bus travel is the way to go for the entire team.

(Jags are moving down the field.)

UT

So it was 2nd and 20 before the holding call against JAX and then it was 2nd and 15.

HOW THE [KITTEN] DID THEY GAIN FIVE YARDS ON A PENALTY?

Weston

omg it’s happening

(Tyrann Mathieu picks off Cody Kessler.)

UT (to Weston)

NOT YET BABY! HONEY BADGER WITH THE BLIND PIG INTERCEPTION!

MDC (to UT)

Honey Pig. I like it.

Weston

Matthiue allowing a first down in pass coverage and then the ball bouncing off Yeldon’s hands to him is exactly why I can’t stand him. He’s an obnoxious version of Quntin Demps.

MDC (to Weston)

[Kitten]it, Matt. That’s the perfect [kitten]ing comparison.

UT (to MDC)

Honey Pig don’t care. Honey Pig don’t give a [kitten].

You’re right, it does roll nicely.

Weston

Sorry, I meant he’s an obnoxious version of AFC Defensive Player Of The Month Quintin Demps.

UT

Honey Pig Tyrann Mathieu with the sack.

(Texans get a turnover on downs. Jags are unable to stop the clock. Texans win 20-7.)

Post-Game Reactions

Weston

It’s 2015 all over again baby. And it took less than three hours.

If we get a week 17 AFC South Title game in HOU I’m 100% going

Game Balls

By Durga, let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - This week, in a stunning turn of events, we’ll give one to Lamar Miller who actually broke 100 yards for the first time since December of 2016. No, that is not a typo.

Defense - Jadeveon Clowney got a couple of sacks and a fumble recovery so let’s give one to him.

Special Teams - Gasp! It’s not Ka’imi Fairbairn this time! No, this week’s special teams game ball goes to Trevor Daniel for outstanding punting when needed of him.

Got an opinion about this week’s game balls? Want to argue with us about our hot taeks during the game? Well, friend, that’s what the comments section is for. Go to it.

And call your mother.