Week 8 2018: Miami Dolphins v. Houston Texans - With Thrumbles Fluttering To Earth Like Leaves From A Tree, You Know It Is Once Again Brocktober In Houston

Inside Brock Osweiler

Battle Red Blog has been given a rare behind-the-scenes glimpse of what it’s like within the mind of the former Browns quarterback.

By Patrick.H@UprootedTexan99 Updated Oct 25, 2018, 10:50am CDT

Detroit Lions v Miami Dolphins

It’s not often when a humble football blog such as ours gets a chance to see the inner workings of an NFL-calibe—well...a quarterback, anyway. But we get our chance today because Brock Osweiler, the former Broncos, Browns, and now Dolphins quarterback—WHO HAS PLAYED FOR NO OTHER TEAM IN THE NFL—has been kind enough to let us see the decisions he goes through on a daily basis on the gridiron.

So without any further ado, the inner workings of Dolphins quarterback Brock Osweiler, who has never played for the Houston Texans.

Yes.
No.

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Is this a pass play?

Yes.
No.
Maybe????

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Will I touch the ball at all during the play?

Yes.
No.

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Hell yeah! What kind of pass play is it?

Does it matter?

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Okay, long as I'm involved somehow. What play is it?

Handoff to RB.
QB Option.
Trick play, RB is throwing pass to me.

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Aw man, what kind of play is it?

Special teams play.
Wildcat.

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Does it REALLY matter?

I...guess?
Not really.

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The ball is snapped. I has a football, it's really neat.

Look for an open receiver.
Run the ball, even though it's a pass play.
Toss ball into air and hope a bird carries it to the end zone.

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Really REALLY matter?

Not really.

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Is there a receiver open?

YES! YES!!! THROW IT NOW!!!
Nope, they're all covered.

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Ohmigod, ohmigod I'm running like a majestic, brain damaged gazelle! Which direction should I run??

Left!
Right!
Up the middle!

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Is there a bird in convenient throwing distance?

Yes!
No.

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Where should I throw it?

Where the receiver is now because object permanence is great.
Where the receiver will be because time is a ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.
Right into the ground because none of this matters.

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Do I throw it anyway?

Yes, don't worry, everything will be fine.
No. Wait for a receiver to get open.
RUN, FATBOY, RUN!!!!

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Should I just throw it and hope for the best?

Do it! Do it and let's be legends!
No, stick with the plan, let the play develop.

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Going left - is there a pile in the way?

Yes.
No.

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Going right - is there a pile in the way?

Yes.
No.

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Going up the middle - is there a pile in the way?

Yes.
No.

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Did the bird catch it?

YES!!!
Sigh...no, the creep flew away.

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Did I connect with the receiver?

Yes. I'm the greatest starting quarterback ever.
No. Stupid receiver had to move. It went to nobody
...Kinda depends on your definition of a receiver.

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Did the receiver score a touchdown?

Damn right he did! And he wouldn't have done it without my elite passing skills!
No, he got tackled somewhere down the line, I think. I stopped paying attention.

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I'm fantastic. Fly, little bird, fly! Did the bird score a touchdown?

Yes!!!
Little jerk got sucked into a jet engine and well...

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Is the offensive line holding up?

Yes.
No.

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Still protected?

Yes.
Not anymore.

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How close is the rusher?

Just got past the line.
Less than a yard away.
...Mommy.

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Did I score a touchdown?

You're damn right I scored!
No, I got tackled by a bo-hemoth with four heads and eleven arms. But I'm not injured.
No, I got tackled by a bo-hemoth with four heads and eleven arms. I am hurt but can continue.
No, I got tackled by a bo-hemoth with four heads and eleven arms. I am hurt and cannot get up.
I'm fine, thank you for your concern, Susan.
No, the turf monster rose up and bit my leg and said anti-Semitic things about my mother.

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How many fingers is the nice man in the white coat holding up?

Give correct number.
Fish!

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I've been hit. Ooooooh boy oh boy, I've been hit. Can I get up?

Yeah...not sure I wanna though.
No, Mommy, I want to stay home and bake cookies with you!

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Can I get around the pile?

Yes.
No.

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Is there a flag on the play?

Yes.
Nope.
Sigh...no.
Thank goodness, yes!

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Is it against us?

Sigh, yeah.
Nope!

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Can I talk my way out of it?

LOLOLOLOLOL, no.

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Oh. That's not where the ball is supposed to go. Can I stop the defender from scoring a touchdown?

Yes.
He gone, man.

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In the locker room for concussion protocol. Did I pass?

Yes, my brains are still within my person.
No, but that doesn't matter, they'll send me back out anyway.

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Did I hit a moving target?

No, and frankly, I think they're being unreasonable asking me to. At least it's incomplete.
Yes, and he didn't even have to lunge backwards to do it!
In a manner of speaking.

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Wait, wut? Okay, catch the ball catch the ball catchitcatchitcatchitcatchitcatchit. Did I catch it?

Somehow, yes. Yes I did. I'm as surprised as anyone.
No, but at least nobody else did either.
Hey, if Coach wanted us to throw an interception he would've had me do it!

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Who do I throw it to?

The double covered receiver, but I can throw a pass into a 2"x2" window, no sweat.
The totally open receiver who doesn't have a safety anywhere near him and never will. Like at all.
The receiver who is just starting to get open.
Nobody. Just hand the ball to a defensive lineman, shake his hand, and wish him well on his way to the end zone.

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Now how close is the rusher?

Less than a yard away.
...Mommy.

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Think about ponies. Because ponies are magic and awesome!

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Does it matter?

Yes.
Not really.

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Daydream about tacos because this play has nothing to do with me.

Then get back to the huddle.

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Contemplate taco-eating ponies and give yourself a hearty pat on the back, your job is done here.

Then get back to the huddle.

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Imagine pony-eating tacos, because life is surreal, terrible and random.

Then get back to the huddle.

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Pretend to know and figure it out when I get to the huddle.

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I've been incapacitated by something other than my own doing. Oh well, maybe there'll be a puppy in the locker room.

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You and the bird do a coordinated touchdown dance complete with fireworks and an F-18 flyover. Help yourself to a taco and give yourself a hearty pat on the back on your way back to the sideline.

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Does it matter?

Yes.
Not really.

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LEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOY JENKIIIIIIIIIIINS!!!!!!

Run you beautiful rollerskating giraffe, you!