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Hair of the Dog - Dolphins/Texans

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It’s a special edition of Hair of the Dog with some excitement and a lot of aggravation and a sneak preview of a new addition to the masthead. Read ahead to find out what’s going on with us!

Miami Dolphins v Houston Texans Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

I ain’t gonna lie to y’all, it’s late and I’m running on a little over five hours of sleep. So I’m going to keep this short. The refereeing was wretched, the offense was beautiful to watch and the defense was at times horrifying to watch. Even though it was the Dolphins, it was great to see the Texans offense, which had been struggling pretty much since the start of the season, finally broke out to hang a fortyburger on someone. It felt good. It felt good to see the Deshaun Watson we had been expecting since training camp started, it felt good to see Lamar Miller churning huge chunks of yardage, it felt really good to leave our traditional All-Field-Goal Offense on the shelf for once, and that DeAndre Hopkins catch made me feel things that I thought were long since dead.

This was an encouraging win, but man it might have come at a Pyrrhic price. Fuller could have a torn ACL, Joseph went out of the game early and didn’t come back. There’s still no official word about who’s been injured and how badly yet but this win came at a bit of a physical price. But at least they won. Our Texans have won five straight games and the worst quarterback in Texans history has been sent off with his tail between his legs.

I’ll take it. And now let’s get to The Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe for work. And thanks to the antics of Shawn Smith and his crew, [kitten] appears quite frequently. Also, with the appearance of a certain quarterback who allegedly (though not proven beyond a reasonable doubt) played for the Texans, all references to that quarterback will be replaced with the word [Pookie].

Pre-Game Reactions

Matt Burnham (New Matt, coming soon to a BRB near you)

As the New Matt, I’m required to give some big takes on day one.

1. Deshaun Watson right now is the toughest quarterback in the league. He’s playing through injuries that would put other guys on the sideline for months.

2. DeAndre Hopkins right now is the best wide receiver. I’d take him over AB, Julio, and Odell as of now.

3. If they had any offensive line... they’d be right there at the top of the AFC. Although they’ve been playing a little better recently.

Kenneth L.

I’m just happy to not be the FNG anymore.

First Quarter

UT

WE GETTIN’ [POOKIE] EARLY!!

Capt Ron

I LOVE the color rush version for HOUSTON. I wish it was the standard uniform at home.

(Kickoff results in penalty against Dolphins, accepted by Texans, leads to re-kick and uncertainty)

UT

Do we have the Marx Brothers for referees tonight or something?

(Texans re-kick, get touchback, followed by penalty against Texans)

Sooooo, to recap:

Kickoff.

Illegal formation on Dolphins gets the ball at the 18 yard line.

Brain elects to re-kick.

Kicks touchback.

Penalty against the Texans puts the ball at the 30.

The [kitten] is this, BOB?

Weston

I’m drinking every time [Pookie] throws a pass for less than five yards. Yes, I’m trying to die.

UT

I’m a little surprised BOB didn’t take the penalty there after the sack.

(Holding against the Dolphins.)

BFD

That was a hold? I thought it was an illegal sharting of oneself.

(Dolphins go for it on fourth down, fail to convert. Texans recover.)

UT

Beautiful play call there by the Dolphins.

This is sarcasm.

Weston

Bill O’Brien is jealous of that play call

New Matt

Am I gonna be that guy? Yes I am.

Got away with a little PI on that.

I’ll take it though...

Luke

That really needed the FB peeling to the flat like Gase has called in the past two weeks. Asking Frank Gore to catch passes is just asking for trouble.

UT (to Luke)

I thought Frank Gore had retired, to be honest.

Tim

It’s swell that a team that employs [Pookie] at QB is asking him to convert fourth downs. With his arm, no less.

Capt Ron

Up the A gap with Miller to start the first offensive series. Scratch A1 off your OB bingo card!

UT

Cool, a sliding kick tackle!

Luke (to UT)

Well this is football isn’t it?

UT (to Luke)

Our set pieces need a lot of work.

Weston

I <3 Jakeem Grant

(Johnathan Joseph is injured and does not return to the game.)

UT

JJo is hurt.

Suddenly I have very strong thoughts about trading for Patrick Peterson.

Luke (to UT)

You see the thing with the Texans is the always try and walk it in

BFD

Oh, Durga, this looks bad. Crap.

Capt Ron (from the game,)

Clowney on the tackle after exploding and chasing down from behind across the field, and I have now witnessed a real human being perform what the “Six Million Dollar Man” used to do on TV. Holy crap that is a big fast man!!!

Vega

I think our secondary just became a tertiary.

BFD

It wasn’t just the athleticism, either: he read that play perfectly.

Capt Ron

Joseph is in the tent

Luke

Stop covering Drake with a LB. It’s not going to work.

I love [Pookie] gesticulating wildly like he’s a stereotypical Italian pizza chef.

Capt Ron

Joseph is out of the tent and heading for the tunnel. Is it bad that there are guys carrying a bunch of shovels and a wreath behind him?

(Referees call a completely imaginary penalty against the Texans for hitting the long snapper in the head/neck area, which like [kitten] they did. First down Dolphins.)

UT

These referees are going to give me cirrhosis.

(Dolphins score a touchdown on the next drive, lead 7-0.)

UT

Correction: THIS DEFENSE will give me cirrhosis.

Vega

Texans special teams are back, baby!!!

BFD

Good Durga, the defense is being schooled, using Watt against himself. It’s become a big play one way or the other.

And, look, yes, that was a crappy foul call on the FG, but the Dolphins have [POOKIE] [KITTEN]ING [POOKIE] at QB.

UT (to BFD)

But they’ve BARELY used [Pookie] so far. All their big plays have been running plays.

I refuse to believe that JJo’s absence is causing that much of a regression in the Texans run defense.

Luke

God that Undisputed Ad is the stuff of nightmares.

UT (to Luke)

Much like the show.

BFD (to UT)

That’s their offense though: run the ball and throw short passes. They know what [Pookie] is capable of, and that’s not playing QB.

(Lamar Miller scores a rushing touchdown from the two yard line. Game is tied 7-7.)

BFD

Just let Mancz block EVERYBODY.

Capt Ron

A “red area” (sic) touchdown!

Vega

I’m glad that WR screen didn’t work though. If we’re lucky O’Brien will shelve that play until a crucial 4th quarter drive.

Second Quarter

BFD

OMG, this Tide ad is freaking awful.

([Pookie] throws an interception caught by Justin Reid.)

UT

(to the tune of Bruce Hornsby’s “The Way It Is”) That’s just the way it is...some things will never change. Like [Pookie] throwing picks...

Luke

Burn the advertising industry.

BFD

There’s the [Pookie] I remember.

Vega

Good to see the Texans finally getting a return on that [Pookie] investment.

Capt Ron

Nice interception by Reid!

(Watson throws a pass to Jordan Thomas, Texans lead 14-7.)

Capt Ron

Play action pass for a touchdown!

Weston

That was a good play design

Burn Ryan Griffin at the stake

Jeremy

ROOKIE TIGHT END JORDAN #2 WITH TD #1!!!

UT (to Weston)

Witches give off terrible fumes.

Capt Ron

There’s a Deep Steel urn on the sidelines with the number 24 on it. I’m not sure what that’s all about, but the players keep walking by and rubbing it. Back to you guys up in the booth.

UT

Two touchdowns in 77 seconds.

Joe Buck doing ad reads makes me want to die.

Vega

Do you guys realize that if we get a good lead, we’ll get to see [Pookie] in more passing situations? I think we’ve earned that, right?

BFD

Wait, is that a real thing, Ron?

UT (to Vega)

I don’t like to say I deserve things, but I deserve to see [Pookie] try to throw the Dolphins back into the game.

Weston

That tide ad gave me cancer

(Kareem Jackson appears injured after pulverizing Dolphins receiver, walks off the field on his own power.)

UT

STOP DYING YOU COWARDS!!!

Jeremy

Geez Kareem...

Capt Ron

(@BFD) No, but we may need a #25 urn to put next to it after that vicious hit that flipped a Dolphin.

UT

Who let Tyler Ervin into the backfield on special teams again? We’ve had meetings about this!

Vega

We’re going to have to put Greg Mancz in at DB aren’t we?

Luke (to UT)

To be fair Pat that was a [kitten] of a catch and he had the right idea to call of the fair catch rather than drop it and then get pasted like he would have last year.

UT (to Vega)

It’ll be Ryan Griffin. I don’t know how, but it’ll be Ryan Griffin.

BFD (to Vega)

Don’t be silly, Vega.

We put Mancz in at DE, and we move Clowney to DB. DUH.

BFD

[Pookie]freude.

Capt Ron

OB reached under the bench and uncrumpled a page with a picture of “Miss Direction” on it. Nice!

Vega

I’m pretty sure that was a WR screen and Watson just said, “[kitten] it”.

(Jordan Thomas called for a penalty.)

UT

Just [kitten] off forever Ryan Griffin.

I know he wasn’t the one who got flagged but I just felt like I needed to say that.

BFD

I’m BFD, and I approve the Ryan Griffin hate.

Kenneth L.

I’d rather swallow a tide pod

UT

[Pookie] be damned, if they’re going to leave receivers that open, I could probably complete a pass for a first down there.

Weston

[Pookie] is going to end up at a carnival where people pay $5 to intercept passes thrown from him

(Dolphins kick a field goal. Texans lead 14-10.)

BFD

Personally, I think we should forego announcing anything field goal related.

Weston

I’m really mad at Kenneth for these Tide ads

BFD

Mike Pereira should feel bad about doing a stupid commercial.

UT (to BFD)

There’s a big list of things Pereira should feel bad about. The Tide ad, which is totally Kenneth’s fault, is probably bottom of the list.

Kenneth L.

They should just tell people to eat tide pods. Couldn’t be worse

Vega

[Kitten]it, Kenneth!! You’re a [kitten]ing danger to society!!

UT

Kenneth, I know it’s unlikely but if you ever find yourself talking with the guy who conceived the Dilly Dilly Bud Light ads, please strangle them for me.

Kenneth L.

Okay but then y’all can’t hate on that Gillette ad with Shaquem Griffin.... that [kitten] is emotional

BFD

Alfred Blue up the middle. Again. For crap.

Weston

The only good thing about advertisements is leaving the office to get drunk by yourself and watch Plane of the Apes

UT (to Weston)

I AM TIRED OF THESE MUTHA[KITTEN]IN’ APES ON THIS MUTHA[KITTEN]IN’ PLANE!

Vega

For a second I thought Mancz was hurt and we lost another DB.

(Kareem Jackson wipes another receiver off the face of the earth.)

UT

Woo, [kitten], KJax, that man had a family.

BFD

The Dolphins’ clock management is O’Brainian.

(Keyes hits [Pookie], forcing him to throw a beautiful thrumble backwards which is picked up by Natrell Jamerson for a touchdown.)

UT

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Where do I begin with that play?!

Mike

[Pookie] threw a fumble!!!!!

Vega

Was that a thrumble?!

MDC

That’s gonna be incomplete

Vega (to MDC)

But it went backwards. Shouldn’t that be live?

[Ed. Note: You would [kitten]ing think so, wouldn’t you?!]

BFD

THRUMBLE!!!

UT

It should, but you know how the Texans’ luck goes.

(The ball is ruled a forward pass, somehow, and incomplete. Dolphins maintain possession.)

UT

The only team in the entire NFL that can never benefit from a [Pookie] thrumble is the [kitten]ing Houston Texans.

[Kitten] these refs, I hope they get ulcerative colitis.

BFD

I hope they have to ref every [Pookie] game the rest of their careers.

(Texans get the ball back and take a knee. Refs call a penalty, forcing the Texans to come back onto the field and take a knee again because these people are terrible.)

Halftime Reactions

BFD

What a waste of everybody’s time.

Capt Ron

And the refs won’t let the Texans take a knee to end the half. They decided a penalty for an uncovered tackle justified pulling everyone out of the tunnel to take a knee again.

How do these clowns get these jobs?!!

UT

Okay boys and girl, let’s have a quick roundtable: what is the worst non-fatal ailment you would wish on these referees?

BFD (to UT)

Peyronie’s disease.

Weston (to UT)

Clockwork Orange Tide Ads

Capt Ron (to UT)

“Pelvic organ prolapse” is my disease of choice to afflict upon these scumbag refs.

UT

Why is Jonah Hill on my sporpsball game broadcast?

Third Quarter

UT

And Adam Gase thinks [Pookie]’s doing a good job.

(Texans face fourth and goal at the two yard line, stop us if you’ve heard this one before.)

UT

They’re...going for it?

BFD

I don’t like to be “that person” about the refs, but good Durga, the refs have been completely awful.

(Watson throws another touchdown to Jordan Thomas, Texans lead 21-10, despite the refs’ best efforts.)

UT

Texans went for it on fourth and goal and succeeded. That’s amazing.

The only thing I know for absolute certain after listening to Troy Aikman is that he has not watched a minute of Texans football, possibly ever.

BFD

Ever. WTF does BOB bring to this team?

Weston

I wonder how Aikman got his head shaped like that.

Kenneth L.

A very predictable first play

(DeAndre Hopkins catches a ball with his leg in mid-air. Referees call offsetting penalties negating the catch, because they hate you and want you to be unhappy.)

BFD

The DeAndre Hopkins non-catch is one of the best catches I’ve ever seen. OMG.

Kenneth L.

[Kitten] these announcers saying that he only caught that bc of the gloves, he has the best hands in the game

Weston

Hopkins has the best non catches catches of all-time

Capt Ron

If both players are hand checking down the field and the WR makes a catch, it should stand. What a BS call.

(Dolphins pull off some trickeration, score a passing touchdown once they take the ball out of [Pookie]’s hands. Texans lead 21-17.)

UT

[Kitten] these refs.

Capt Ron

RAC’s defense needs to set the edge, shut down the run, and stop getting burned on high school trick plays for easy touchdowns.

Kenneth L.

That just made us look stupid

UT

I blame Kenneth for that Pantene ad.

Luke

Debate the better Hopkins non catch, that one or the one against the Giants a few years ago?

Kenneth L. (to UT)

Yeah, you can’t have a girl with a British accent telling America what to do. The other girl literally stood there and looked blonde.

Last time a British person did that we revolted.

(Watson throws a deep bomb to Fuller. Texans lead 28-17.)

UT

I love it when a plan comes together.

Vega

When did Watson turn into Shooter McGavin?

Jeremy

William Fuller, The Fifth.

Capt Ron

Sweet swirling onion rings with that touchdown deep bomb to Fuller!!!! Rock & roll, Texans!!

Luke

My favourite part is when the DB gives up mid chase to complain to the DB not doing his job.

Weston

It’s wild what happens when you throw the ball downfield. I’m excited for December when Watson is healthy again and this offense could maybe look like it should with all this downfield passing.

UT (to Luke)

I’m only a little surprised he didn’t complain to the ref.

([Pookie] throws pass to Dolphins receiver, bounces off his hands, bounces off a Texans helmet, and possibly a heretofore unseen chandelier, into the hands of another Dolphins receiver further upfield.)

UT

...I [kitten]ing quit.

This game is [kitten]ing drunk and I will not be party to it.

Vega (to UT)

This entire season has been an 8-week long bender

Kenneth L.

Unless I’m smoking the same weed as Laremy Tunsil, but that is the most bizarre play I’ve ever seen.

(Dolphins kick another field goal. Texans 28 - Dolphins 13 - Refs 7.)

BFD

BREAKING NEWS: [Pookie] is a [kitten]y QB.

(Texans recover a Dolphins onside kick attempt.)

Kenneth L.

Okay these Dolphins are throwing the entire kitchen sink at the Texans.

Fourth Quarter

Vega

They’re getting every break and pulling out all the stops. And still losing. I’m thinking they’re just not very good.

BFD

I cannot wait to masturbate to frolicking kittens tonight!

[Ed. Note: ...oooooooookay...]

(Clemson connection scores a practically undefended deep touchdown. Texans lead 35-20.)

UT

THIS IS THE OFFENSE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!!!

Jeremy

This looks like the Watson we traded [Pookie] for.

Weston

Miami’s defensive coordinator should be running a coffee shop in Lake Louise, not running a NFL defense

Vega

Now that the game’s out of hand, they should retroactively pick up the flag on that OPI, because a) it was a bull[kitten] call; and b) that catch was awesome.

UT (to Vega)

Seconded.

MDC

I don’t know much, but I know that when you catch a pass with one hand and your [kitten], that should always stand.

(Dolphins with another field goal. Texans lead 35-23.)

UT

I like to think the Dolphins going with the All-Field-Goal offense is royally [kitten]ing Brain off.

BFD

Adam Gase wants us to win.

(Will Fuller injures his knee. Dolphins called for pass interference, holding, and illegal contact.)

UT

Oh, no no no no no no no no no nononononononononono not his knee!

Kenneth L.

Ohhh noooo. Fuller’s knee.

UT

He’s up and walking but I see a limp.

We won’t be seeing him for a while I fear.

Vega

Fuller looking ok. Dolphins going all Petey Faggins on that play.

Weston

[Kitten] [kitten] [kitten]

(Watson to Hopkins for another Clemson Connection. Texans lead 42-23.)

UT

Five touchdowns for Deshaun, but at what cost?

Brett

I hope it’s something minor where he maybe comes back after the bye. An ACL would be an absolute killer for us.

BFD

This has been the first fun Texans game of the season. Why? Because Deshaun Watson.

Kenneth L.

I think Clowney got the wind knocked out of him

(Texans win 42-23. NO FIELD GOALS!)

Game Balls

Offense - Deshaun Watson had more touchdown passes than he had incompletions last night, so it’s hard not to give the game ball to him.

Defense - J.J. Watt makes a good argument for a game ball, but I’m going to give it to Kareem Jackson for his two vicious hits on Dolphins receivers. I felt those just sitting in my recliner all the way in Seattle. That deserves a game ball.

Special Teams - Surprisingly quiet night on the special teams front. So let’s give it again to Trevor Daniel for some sick deep punts he kicked last night.

Want to give a game ball to a different player? Got a disagreement with something we said last night? Let us know in the comments section! Operators are standing by!