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Hair of the Dog - Texans-[POTATOES]

The BRB braintrust, such as it is, gets together to talk about today’s game against Washington. C’mon in and find out what we’re thinking!

Houston Texans v Washington Redskins Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Between this game and their win against the Broncos before the bye, it is entirely possible that the Houston Texans are the luckiest team in the National Football League. Because, I know I’m repeating myself, the Texans had no business winning that game. I’m happy they won. I kind of wish it didn’t come down to yet another field goal missed by the opposing team to do it, but at the end of the day, a win is a win and your Houston Texans are at 7-3 with a cushy two game lead on Indianapolis and Tennessee for the AFC South crown.

By the numbers, everything looks pretty dang rosy. But what are you going to believe, the numbers or your lying eyes? The Texans nearly got beaten by a Colt McCoy-led offense and would have lost if not for a spectacular 101-yard Justin Reid pick-six. They have been lucky, and luck can only carry a team so far in football. Eventually there’ll be a Kansas City or a New England; I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not roll the dice against either of those teams if/when we get to a playoff match-up with them.

Winning is always better than losing, but winning also hides a lot of flaws, like barbecue sauce on poorly smoked brisket.

Still a win is a win is a win. The Texans are in pretty good playoff shape all things considered. I’ll be going to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving so I can bet on the luckiest team in the NFL.

I can’t entirely complain about that.

Enough of me. Let’s get to the Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] for our amusement and to make this thread safe to read at work.

Also, any and all references to the given name of Washington’s football team has been replaced with [Potatoes] because I don’t want to type that and none of y’all can make me. If this displeases you, then, well, you’ll just have to learn to live with disappointment because, gentle reader, that is not a “me” problem.

Enjoy!

Pregame Thoughts:

MDC

Michigan won yesterday. I’m cooking a brisket Wednesday. This clash between two of the worst 6-3 teams in recent memory can’t impact me too much, positively or negatively.

Or that’s what I’ll myself right up until I throw a remote through the wall after a third-and-long draw play.

Weston

As long as we TITAN UP today I’m happy. I want MNF next week to mean something.

UT

Texans won toss, will get ball in second half.

First Quarter:

UT

It seems the [Potatoes] are going with their knockoff Florida State jerseys today.

Weston

I do love Washington’s regular colors, not the knock off tomahawk chop ones.

Woo! Already, Alex Smith scurrying on third down just to toss it out of bounds.

UT

I love Keke Coutee so much.

BFD

I don’t think enough can be said about the addition by subtraction of yanking Ryan Griffin out of the lineup.

UT

It’s almost as if they know that the Texans are going to run on first down always.

(Texans strike first by...kicking a field goal, lead 3-0)

UT

Ahhhhh, delicious field goals!

Weston

These WSH redzone numbers are silly. Ryan Fitzpatrick is a [kitten] of a drug.

MDC

FG. Blah.

BFD

If they think Josh Norman can cover Hopkins, the latter will have a very good day.

MDC

Every CBS sitcom commercial makes me hate Philo Farnsworth.

([Potatoes] player catches ball, goes out of bounds, loses possession, is determined to not have made a catch.)

Weston

I thought that was a catch with these new rules?

MDC (to Weston)

He has to make some kind of move (tuck the ball) or get a third part down in bounds before it comes out.

UT

Andre Hal just saved the drive.

MDC

That was a really smart play by Hal.

Weston

Ok gotcha.

Nice Cover three break off to the post route from Hopkins there.

UT

Um...Bill? You see how Lamar gets yardage by running not up the middle? Maybe you want to keep doing that?

Weston

I, for one, am ready to bring back the glorious all field goal offense

Kenneth L.

The play action actually set up the run on that long Miller play

(Watson connects with Hopkins on a sick catch for a touchdown. Texans lead 10-0.)

Kenneth L.

THAT WAS A SICK CATCH

UT

Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuk makin’ it look easy.

BFD

Called it. Norman is an overrated scrub.

Kenneth L.

What a major lazer, no not the EDM group but that pass though

UT

Previous drive: 6 plays 69 yards for the TD.

The nicest of drives.

Weston (to BFD)

Norman is good, but isn’t like a top ten corner player.

He didn’t even get beat on the TD. He over extended himself inside and couldn’t come back to the ball. He just read it wrong.

Capt Ron

Where’s the Texans’ pass rush?

Or do we have to wait for Clowney to get flagged for lining up in the neutral zone before they get going?

(One play later...)

Capt Ron

JJ Watt responds to the previous inquiry with a strip sack that gets called back for defensive holding by The Honey Badger.

Weston

Tyrann Mathieu is the worst

UT

So we’re just not going to cover any receivers this drive, huh?

Weston

Gotta love [Greg] Gumble calling Peterson a classy guy

Second Quarter:

(Adrian Peterson scores a “well, no [kitten]” touchdown. Texans lead 10-7.)

Capt Ron

Mercilus looks terrible in pass and run defense.

Weston

That TD run was on Reid not flowing over the top. Clowney crashed hard inside and he didn’t cover the alley.

UT

Adrian Peterson beat the Texans defense like one of his children.

(Watson throws a really terrible interception.)

UT

C’mon Watson, you’re smarter than that.

MDC

(To UT) Came here to make that same joke re: Peterson. [Kitten]it.

Also, too, [kitten]it.

Weston

Deshaun ‘Eff It I’m going Deep’ Watson

(A couple of plays later...)

It pairs perfectly with some Martinas Rankin LG party. Let’s see how this experiment plays out. I still like him as a possible starting RT next year.

Capt Ron

After injuries to Fulton and Kelemete, the five remaining eligible offensive linemen for Houston are in the game.

UT

False start on Washington adds five yards, Clowney penalty gives them right back.

(Justin Reid intercepts Alex Smith’s pass, takes it 101 yards for a touchdown. Texans lead 17-7.)

Weston

Holy [kitten] dude.

UT

WEIOKFHSCN;WLREIGND.LAWNGRSDJOG!!!!!!

Jeremy

JUSTIN REID.

Capt Ron

The non-calls on offensive holding as the Washington OL literally wrap arms around Clowney and Watt is just criminal.

MDC

Woooooo!

Unless there was an Apostrophe Davis KR I’m forgetting, that was the longest play in Texans’ history.

Weston

I just love that Reid is playing the ball instead of the man once he knows he’s in good position.

Kenneth L.

This defense will be gassed

Capt Ron

Is that the longest autumnal pick six in franchise history?

UT (to MDC)

Reid’s pick six is the third longest touchdown play in Texans history per ESPN Stats, to answer your question.

MDC

I love that Reid wears Ed Reed’s old number.

(Brennan Scarlett picks off Alex Smith.)

Andre’ Davis had a 104 KO return.

Brennan Scarlett had an INT more recently.

BFD

Justin Reid is quickly becoming one of my faves, and he’s why we won’t resign Mathieu.

Brennan Scarlett did a thing? Sure HOFer now!

(Texans call a third and long draw play which gains next to no yards.)

UT

That sound you hear is [MDC] embedding his remote in the wall at seeing that third and long draw play.

MDC

He’s no Dylan Cole, but I like Scarlett alright right now.

(Texans miss a field goal. Badly. Like pretend it never happened badly. Still lead 17-7.)

UT

I don’t even want to talk about how badly Fairbairn missed that field goal there.

Capt Ron

Queue O’Brien with the ultra-conservative “turtle for a missed field goal” offense. No sense of killer instinct in that guy’s brain whatsoever.

MDC

A defensive score has everyone out of sorts.

BFD

BE-SFs getting motorboated by the Colts? TF?

Weston

Scarlett is more of a testament to how easy it is play on this front seven when you have Clowney, Watt, Reader, McKinney, and Mercilus around you.

Halftime Reactions:

Weston

Dean Pees was in the hospital this morning. :(

I also am wondering if TEN is running the super cool offense like they used against NE, or are back to simple PA roll outs over and over and over again.

UT

T.Y. Hilton has more yards receiving than Marcus Mariota has yards passing.

BFD

Texans Offense 10, Texans Defense 7. It’s another close one!

UT

I think Fairbairn needs a new holder. The kick Fairbairn missed was due to hold that would’ve made Ray Finkle homicidal and I seem to recall a kick from an earlier game that was a literal “THE LACES WERE IN!” situation.

Weston

I saw Blaine Gabbert is set to start the second half of TEN-IND. I’m taking my pants off.

Third Quarter:

UT

You know who we haven’t heard from at all today? Demaryius Thomas. I almost forgot he was a Texan that’s how little we’ve seen him today.

(Watson throws a pass that is, at least in the feeble minds of the refs, completed to Hopkins, but somehow is also a fumble and an interception? Whatever, point is [Potatoes] get the ball.)

UT

Ick.

MDC

I hate that bull[kitten] official ruling.

(Alex Smith breaks his fibia and tibula in one of the most horrific injuries I’ve seen in quite some time, on the 33rd anniversary of the Joe Theismann injury, on the same yard line as the Theismann injury.)

UT

HOLY [KITTEN]ING [KITTEN] HIS FOOT WENT BACKWARDS.

Weston

Checks the Washington roster

Oh god. It’s Colt McCoy time.

BFD

Alex Smith died.

MDC

UT

The Colt McCoy experience begins...now!

MDC

Screen pass failing in a new, exciting way!

([Potatoes] score an easy as [kitten] touchdown. Texans lead 17-14.)

UT

I want to get off the Colt McCoy experience.

(Ryan Griffin completely whiffs on a block, leads to sack of Watson.)

UT

[Kitten] you, Ryan Griffin.

MDC

This offensive line is sooooo bad.

Weston

Feed Ryan Griffin a buffet of rocks and drop his [kitten] into the Arctic Ocean

(Texans score another field goal, lead 20-14.)

UT

Glory to all-field-goal-offense.

BFD

Ryan Griffin is straight trash, and any play call that relies on him blocking Kerrigan is worse.

Weston

It’s pretty [kitten] hilarious BFD.

MDC

A loss to Colt McCoy would feel right.

UT

Are we SURE we can’t get Alex Smith back under center?

Fourth Quarter:

MDC

Smith can’t be any less mobile right now than [UNPERSON] was on his best day.

BFD

Losing to Colt McCoy because we kick field goals would be perfect.

Capt Ron

Alex Smith could block better than Ryan Griffin right now.

MDC

Will Demps ain’t walking through that door. A Bitchephant ain’t walking through that door.

/DGDBD callback humor

(Touchdown [Potatoes], [Potatoes] lead 21-20.)

UT

Is...is Whitney Mercilus...bad now?

MDC

He looks lost

Capt Ron

Bad would be an upgrade from what I am seeing.

Weston

McCoy being used as a runner [kitten].

UT

This is apparently the first lead change the [Potatoes] have had all season. Swell.

Capt Ron

The Texans’ offensive line combined with O’Brien’s play calling is going to undermine the outcome. Also, RAC’s defense is getting shredded by an aged AP and a backup QB in McCoy.

MDC

We gonna lose by 2. Score a TD, go for two, fail, and then McCoy leads them to glory.

UT (to MDC)

If this happens, I’m having you pick my parlay when I go to Vegas for Thanksgiving.

(Texans drive stalls after some more conservative playcalling by O’Brien. Texans kick a field goal, lead 23-21.)

Jeremy

Clutch stuff from Ka’imi there.

Kenneth L.

I just bet my roommate $5 Fairbairn misses that.

Texans killing me rn

Weston

Imagine loving [Durga] enough to watch this dumb[kitten] CBS [Durga] Facebook show

Capt Ron

OB: “It’s hard to win games in the NFL.”

Well, yeah it sure is when you lack any creativity and a sense of killer instinct to “sweep the leg” against an opponent when they are down!

UT (to Kenneth)

It’s just a bad beat, your bet had the odds in its favor.

MDC

Imagine not understanding social media enough to think “someone with the user name ‘[Durga]’” actually means that it IS [Durga].

Kenneth L.

Fat Randy just missed a game tying field goal

Capt Ron (to Kenneth)

What team is he on now?

MDC (to Capt Ron)

The Fightin’ Marvins

UT

But seriously, where the [kitten] is Demaryius Thomas?

Weston

Yeah, imagine being dumb enough for someone named [Durga] to friend you on Facebook and think it’s actually [Durga]. I want that type of blind allegiance. I would enjoy watching the Houston Texans a lot more.

Capt Ron

O’Brien v. Jay Gruden in a 2-point game with 2 minutes to go?

::Grabs popcorn and prepares for the NFL’s version of “The Princess Bride” poison scene.::

UT (to Capt Ron)

Only if it’s Vizzini facing Vizzini.

Also RIP William Goldman.

(Holding against the [Potatoes] continues the Texans’ drive.)

Weston

that was an [kitten]y [kitten] call

or I mean poopy butt call

I really wanted to see McCoy lead a GW drive attempt.

(Two plays later...)

UT

Need a first down so what does BOB do? RUN UP THE MIDDLE FOR TWO YARDS WHEN THEY NEED 10.

[KITTEN]ING GENIUS-[KITTEN] BRAIN BOX FACE[KITTEN].

Capt Ron

That was the most autumnal run up the middle to nowhere ever!

(Texans attempt a field goal and miss even worse than the first one, still lead 23-21.)

MDC

Beyond predictable.

Weston

This has been such a stupid game.

([Potatoes] march down field, prepare for what would be game-winning field goal and come up short. Texans win 23-21.)

Kenneth L.

LETS GET THE [KITTEN] OUT OF WASHINGTON

UT

I want to die.

Watching Bill O’Brien in the fourth quarter makes me long for death.

BFD

Every Texans game is a stupid game. Each game is a parody of the games before it.

Capt Ron

While standing bravely on an iceberg, O’Brien declares victory over Gruden’s ship that struck in error and sank.

MDC

How the [kitten] is this trash team in first place with 7 wins?

Capt Ron

I can’t say that I have ever been more frustrated for a team that ends up winning ugly games than this Texans’ franchise. It’s simply mind boggling how they call plays and execute plays in such bland autumnal fashion on both sides of the ball.

Game Balls:

Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - I’ll give this one to DeAndre Hopkins mostly because of that amazing catch for the Texans’ only offensive touchdown of the day.

Defense - For kind of the same reason, I can’t not give this to Justin Reid for the third longest touchdown in Texans history.

Special Teams - Let’s go with Trevor Daniel on this one because he had some pretty good punts and Fairbairn had some really awful misses Sunday.

So, Texans fans, who do you think deserves a game ball? Let us know!