Hair of the Dog - BESFs-Texans

Once upon a time this season, the Houston Texans were on life support. They’d just lost to the Giants on the heels of one of Eli Manning’s best performances of the season, which isn’t saying much. At 0-3, the Texans were staring down the barrel of what could have been another lost season.

But then they won. And won again. And won some more. They weren’t all pretty. They weren’t all wins the Texans should’ve won, but they were wins nonetheless.

Looking back on it now, with the Texans guaranteed a minimum of a .500 season, those three opening losses seem so distant now, like a massive thunderstorm giving way to a rainbow. Life is funny like that. Monday night’s win was possibly the most complete game the Texans have had all season. Could it be because they do well against teams that have to run the ball a lot? Maybe. Could it be that we’ve finally got the offense we’ve wanted to see all season (save for the Dolphins game)? Possibly. Personally, I’m not going to complain about how we got here...much. I certainly can’t complain about what happened last night because that was a pretty great game all told.

Okay, enough stalling. Let’s get to the Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced by the word [kitten] because kittens are soft and fluffy and adorable and swear words, with some exceptions, aren’t.

Enjoy!

Pregame Thoughts:

Titan Matt

How has this game not started yet. It’s already like 1:30 in the morning.

UT (to Titan Matt)

They were waiting for me to get home.

BFD

[Kitten] the BE-SFs. Amen.

First Quarter:

UT

Oh like [kitten] that’s pass interference.

Capt Ron

THAT was pass interference?!! Someone gave that ref a copy of of the last MNF game so now he thinks it’s a boat race and defenses don’t count.

(The Tennessee Paramours of Livestock kick a field goal, lead 3-0.)

UT

Sweet [Kitten] I hate this offensive line.

Luke (to Titan Matt)

IT LITERALLY IS 1:30 IN THE MORNING

Also i’m excited to spin the wheel and see what Texans offense turns up this week.

(Sheep[kitten]ers score on a 67-yard pass to Corey Davis, lead 10-0.)

UT

Oh my [Kitten] IT’S THE CHRIS JOHNSON PLAY!!

BFD

UT

That should get someone fired. I’m not picky about who but someone should get fired.

BFD

OM[kitten], Mathieu, that was embarrassing.

Luke

Y’all can’t handle these men getting led.

[Ed. Note: I had to read this three times to make sure it was safe to add to this week’s post.]

Kenneth L.

What happened...

Titan Matt (to Kenneth)

Tyrann Mathieu isn’t very good fellas. I hope Brian Gaine is as smart as I am.

Capt Ron

Did....um...did OB (or anyone) even bother to fire up the Texans to win this game for McNair? The 0-10 opening to the game has me thinking not. Simply pathetic, lackluster, on both sides of the ball so far tonight.

(Deshaun Watson finds Demaryius Thomas in the end zone for a touchdown. Fart-sniffers lead 10-7.)

UT

UPDATE: WE HAVE FOUND DEMARYIUS THOMAS!!!

Titan Matt

I’m just happy Houston was finally put in a position to do something on offense. Brian Orakpo was atrocious on that drive.

Ryan (in a cameo appearance)

Oh yeah, the Texans have Demaryius Thomas.

Capt Ron

Nice TD there for DT!

BFD

Corey Davis on JJo is going to be...rough.

Love the catch by DT. Didn’t give up that the ball was coming to him until the last split second.

Luke

Watching JJo is hard sometimes. He read the route perfectly it’s just he couldn’t close on it.

UT

Watson to Hopkins is almost too pretty sometimes.

Ah, mark off “Miller run up the middle” on your bingo cards.

Ryan

It is a thing of beauty to see Hop wide open and know he’s going to catch the moment the ball is thrown.

UT

Demaryius Thomas has two catches tonight and the first quarter just ended.

I can only reach one logical conclusion from this: Bill O’Brien read my post.

Second Quarter:

Capt Ron

DT on a missile screen after a big haul by NUK! This is all fantastic!

A’hem, can someone please explain why the Texans don’t come out of the tunnel playing like this from the start? Seriously!

(Deshaun Watson runs the ball in for a touchdown. Texans take the lead over the methheads, 14-10.)

Ryan

/Keith Jackson voice

Watson is going for the corner and he’s got it.

Luke

Jordan Thomas just smacked someone on a block for that play.

BFD

The entire offense changes if Watson is a threat to run the ball.

Kenneth L.

Just sat down to watch the game. Can someone give me a 2 sentence synopsis

UT (to Kenneth)

Offense looks competent, Tennessee making defense look awful. [Kitten] Tennessee forever.

MDC

DJ Reader’s 40 time could be measured with a sundial.

Ryan

The Tennessee Titans and Houston Texans are the newest members of the Big 12.

UT

Can I just say right now [kitten] that couple in the GMC ad who bought two trucks because “why the [kitten] not?”

BFD (to UT)

I hate those commercials with a passion.

Titan Matt

“Mike Vrabel put in the wildcat”

Oh my!

BFD

Once again, I say: Justin Reid is why the Texans will not re-sign Mathieu.

Titan Matt

Tyrann Mathieu is why the Texans won’t sign Tyrann Mathieu.

(Traitors go for it on fourth and 1, fail to convert on a tight end run up the middle.)

Kenneth L.

The tight end? Dumb. Vrable Apple not falling far from the Bill O’Brain tree

BFD

That play call was straight from Bill O’Brien’s copy of “Offense for Idiots.”

Luke

Hey BFD was that Matt LeFleur calling a FB run on a 4 and 2 with Derrick Henry on the field?

UT

Vrabel’s on the sideline scratching his head, saying to himself “it worked for Bill, didn’t it? Why isn’t it working here?”

(Lamar Miller runs 97 yards for a touchdown on the first play after getting the ball back. Texans lead 21-10.)

Kenneth L.

MILLER DID A THING. IT ONLY TOOK 3 YEARS

UT

A 97 yard rush by Lamar Miller for a touchdown?!

Oh [kitten], I’m dead!

Titan Matt

I want Mike Mularkey to come back and take over the OC role from LaFleur. That was some [kitten]y Methmouth. I want it all. Blue little teeth and only being able to eat bananas, not a slight receding of the gums.

Kenneth L.

As the great Chris Polk said, BANG BANG CHICKEN AND SHRIMP

Ryan

Titans look about as good tackling as some of the kids I cover in high school.

MDC

That’s the longest run in Texans’ history (of course). It’s also the first time I’ve seen Miller look fast. I take back 97% of the mean things I’ve said about him this month.

BFD

That’s been Lamar Miller for three years. BOB has no clue how to use him.

Capt Ron

Oh [Kitten], no Miller, no! 97-yard Touchdown!!

I called a run on that play before the snap. Then Miller goes and scores a TD after taking the handoff from our own end zone. Now we’ll NEVER get O’Brien to stop that play call.

Matt Burnham

This game has been everything that the Texans haven’t been or failed to be all season.

It’s like they all woke up with an epiphany.

No complaints here.

Luke

I don’t think Watson is going to throw 25 times this game.

BFD (to Matt Burnham)

True story. We have so much talent on offense, and they score 20 points/game? That doesn’t jibe at all.

Titan Matt (to Matt Burnham)

They didn’t wake up with an epiphany. They finally didn’t have a lead to hide behind and were forced to actually move the ball. The offense should always look like this.

UT (to Titan Matt)

But they’re up by 11 now. By that logic shouldn’t he be back to turtling up again?

Kenneth L.

If will fuller was here, this would be the time to go big

Titan Matt (to UT)

Oh don’t worry it’s going to happen

(Ryan Griffin drops an easily catchable pass.)

UT

[Kitten] off Ryan Griffin.

Capt Ron

Ryan Griffin should be written out of his own will. What an idiot.

BFD

Griffin is LOL bad.

UT

Covington is eating Mariota’s lunch today.

Matt Burnham

The crowd sounds absolutely electric tonight. Never been to the stadium but I’m sure y’all have.

Is it usually like this?

UT

[Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitten], Nuk, that was beautiful.

Kenneth L.

That catch made me feel some type of way

Capt Ron

That NUK catch!!!!!

(Texans kick a field goal, lead 24-10.)

Halftime Reactions:

BFD

This offense has been available all year. ALL. KITTEN. YEAR. And we are finally tapping into it (aside from the Dolphins game). Bill O’Brien seems to enjoy wasting our time, but it’s great that Watson and Miller can move beyond BOB’s stupidity.

Titan Matt

Bad Bunny [kitten]ing slaps bro

Titan Chris

We were in our seats with 5 minutes left in the 1st quarter. It was already 10-7. But [kitten], we’re having a great time. Don’t get to see a 97 yard run in person too often!

UT

Got[kitten], someone get Joe Tessitore an apple crate or something to stand on.

Third Quarter:

Titan Matt (to UT)

It’s like an episode of Battle Red Radio in the booth

Capt Ron

Griffin is back in his own will with that first down.

UT

Ryan Griffin did his one thing of the game just now.

Luke

Does that make Jason Witten, BFD with a hair transplant?

UT (to Luke)

Other way around I think. He’s the one who needs an apple crate.

Titan Matt

This Titans’ team is so so so so dumb

(Texans kick another field goal, lead 27-10.)

Matt Burnham

27-10 and they’ve controlled the whole game, yet I still feel like they should have a lot more

UT

I feel like BOB should’ve gone for it on that fourth down too. Am I off base?

Luke (to UT)

He should be going for it on every fourth down.

UT

Seriously, why is Booger McFarland in a motorized scooter thing every week?

Capt Ron

With a 27-10 lead, Bill O’Brien straps on a turtle suit to ride the rest of the game out like a koala bear dug deep into a eucalyptus tree.

UT

Covington with 2.5 sacks of Mariota today.

MDC (to UT)

I just texted that exact same question to a buddy. It makes no sense.

BFD

I’ve been dreading this game since last weekend.

[Kitten], this game is freaking awesome.

UT

BFD, THEY’RE PLAYING YOUR SONG!

Luke

Why aren’t we all in motorized scooters?

Titan Matt

Booger sits in the back of the car on a road trip and still tries to control the radio

UT

Kelemete’s hurt, mark that off your bingo cards too.

Matt Burnham

The Texans keep getting chances to shove their foots down the throats of the Titans. But they won’t do it...

Capt Ron

O’Brien’s lack of “sweep the leg” killer instinct ensures that the Texans will be tossed unceremoniously from the playoffs. This is pathetic.

(JJo loses his assignment and runs into another defender. Traitorous pigs score touchdown. Texans lead 27-17.)

UT

Oh [kitten] you Tennessee.

BFD

I’d like to, once again, brag that I was at the Oilers/Dolphins game when Earl went off.

Titan Matt

Corey Davis has caught three passes to that same part of the field. Smart teams will throw downfield against Houston and have success. Dumb teams will keep running right at the best run defense in football.

Fourth Quarter:

(Deshaun Watson escapes a sack.)

UT

That was some Russell Wilson [kitten] right there.

(Texans run up the middle for no gain, forcing a Texans punt.)

Matt Burnham

This is pathetic lol. Find me one person in the entire world that didn’t expect a run right up the gut on that play.

UT

Aw [kitten], Brain turned back into a pumpkin.

Titan Matt

The Titans fan in me is disgusted by this TEN offense.

[Ed. Note: Traitor.]

(Watson takes the ball and runs into the red zone. Traitors challenge whether the ball was fumbled. Call stands.)

Kenneth L.

This fumble call is the call of the game

BFD

Wasn’t really close, either.

(Watson finds Thomas in the end zone again for the touchdown. Texans lead 34-17.)

MDC

Witten is such a douchebag

Titan Matt

Thanks for solving the mystery UT.

UT (to Weston)

I owe it all to the ghost of Robert Stack.

Matt Burnham

Hard to complain about this win and don’t fix what ain’t broke, I get it, but I still think that 22 throws with 198 yards is an incredible underuse of Deshaun and I feel like I’ve seen that several games

MDC (to Matt Burnham)

I think that’s a symptom of a dog[kitten] offensive line.

UT

Oh [Kitten] what is that thing on Mariota’s face? It’s like Mariota had a canker sore and someone recommended he put a leech there to cure it.

Titan Matt

They have 272 rushing yard this game, and the Titans refused to run throw the ball downfield. This really isn’t the game to complain about O’Brien not going for it, because he did in this one. But yeah, overall for the year it’s been a constant issue.

Capt Ron

Good finish to the night. 8th consecutive win; a franchise record.

UT

And the Texans get the turnover to seal what was an already sealed up game.

(Texans kneel it out to close the game. Texans win 34-17.)

Game Balls:

Offense - This has to go to Lamar Miller if for no other reason than the 97-yard touchdown run he had in the second quarter and possibly his best game so far as a Houston Texan.

Defense - It would be easy to put J.J. Watt here for the night he had, but I’m going to throw a curve ball and give it to Christian Covington, who got 2.5 sacks on Marcus Mariota.

Special Teams - Let’s give it to Ka’imi Fairbairn, who made every kick expected of him on Monday night.

Got some other ideas about who should get game balls? Got a better description for the BESFs than what you saw here, throw them out for the public to decide in the comments section!