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Tennessee Titans v Houston Texans
Yeah, he’s in it too.
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I’m Stephen Fry. I’m here today to talk to you about a lovely little game brought to you by the fine folks at Battle Red Blog. I don’t suppose I could tell you about it, could I? No? Excellent.

Well, let me ask you this, how many of you have thought “I’m really enjoying this American Football game featuring the Houston Texans, but I could use a little more excitement in today’s game?” Let me see a show of hands, please. Wait, on second thought, don’t. I can’t see you raising your hands anyway.

What’s that you say? You already have fantasy American Football? And daily fantasy sports? And gambling? I say, you’re rather busy, aren’t you? Maybe you’d like to add one more game to your repertoire for Sundays. American Football is played on Sundays, yes? Right.

Now, how many of you have heard of the game that they call Bingo? Quite a few of you! Good, excellent! What if I were to tell you that the finest football minds of Battle Red Blog, that’s the blog you’re currently reading right now, I should say, have created their own version of Bingo that you can play as you watch the Texans in the middle of their contest it is they play? Would you still be interested?

The rules are simple. Just watch any Texans game and mark off the squares when you see them do something that’s listed on your board. Nothing to it! You get to pay a little more attention to the Texans, the fine folks at Battle Red Blog put together a nice post, and they’ll stop force-feeding me tacos al carbon and grant me my freedom. Everybody wins.

What’s on the squares, you ask? Oh, you didn’t ask. Let’s pretend you did. You get 24 squares of Texans-related gameday activities, including some of the following:

  • Deshaun Watson Sniffs His Finger
  • Wasted Bill O’Brien Timeout
  • Impossible DeAndre Hopkins Completion
  • Uncalled Hold Against J.J. Watt
  • Julien Davenport False Start Penalty
  • Whitney Mercilus Sighting

The list just goes on from there, friend. I think I heard a question in the back there. What do you win if you play? Yes, that’s a very good question. You get to win absolutely nothing. The fine folks at Battle Red Blog do not have a lot of money to spare, what with family obligations, house payments, and the well in the basement that they keep me in requires upkeep, too. But on the bright side, you don’t have to pay anything to play it either.

If you’d like to engage in a fun little game of Texans Bingo, and possibly liberate me from the dungeon I’ve been kept in for several weeks now, please send an email to UprootedTexan; his address can be found on the masthead page with the subject line “Texans Bingo Card.” You will get your very own, personal, randomized card sometime before Sunday.

Please hurry. It’s quite cold here and I’d really like to go back home.

Operators are not standing by. Void where prohibited. Some restrictions may apply.