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Hair of the Dog - Texans/Broncos

The BRB braintrust gather to discuss the Texans’ performance on Sunday against American Hero Case Keenum and the Broncos.

Houston Texans v Denver Broncos Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images

I’m writing this just as the game is about to get started. Unlike the majority of Texans fans, I am not fortunate enough to get to watch Texans games at home, on account that I live far, far away from Houston and the Texans aren’t a high priority out here. As a result, I usually go to a Buffalo Wild Wings in Federal Way, Washington which is a suburb roughly halfway between Seattle and Tacoma. This BWW also happens to be frequented by a large cadre of Denver Broncos fans. Their numbers are such that when the Broncos are playing they take up the entire patio section on the side of the building.

And they’re loud. Like, as if they thought they were at the stadium levels of loud. And it’s worst still when they’re at home because they do that dumb[kitten] “IN-COM-PLETE” chant which gets really old really fast when you’re trying to watch the Texans do their thing.

So here I am, already on my second diet soda and the Broncos fans are already [kitten]ing boisterous. If you hear about a murder spree that took place at a Buffalo Wild Wings in the Seattle suburbs that’s probably me. Also, if you do hear about a murder spree, please start a GoFundMe to bail me out of prison because I am too poor and too pretty for prison.

Thank you. On with the dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] at no cost to you, so you can contribute those savings into the “Spring UT from prison” GoFundMe account that somebody better have started up.

Pre-Game Thoughts

BFD

As much as I don’t like BOB, and I don’t!, I think we should all praise Durga that we didn’t wind up with “It’s 1990 Again, Baby” Gruden.

Weston

I miss gambling

This WsH AtL game isn’t the same

First Quarter

MDC

Broncos unaware that Houston will always start with a middle draw?

(Texans score touchdown early.)

UT

And hello beautiful! TD pass Watson to Jordan Thomas.

Weston

As much as I despised O’Brien from weeks 1-6 it’s great that he is actually running the offense that worked last year all the time again and has committed back to using Deshaun Watson as a runner again.

MDC

[Texans defense forces] 3 and out.

UT

Kareem Jackson’s really taken well to the safety roll.

(Broncos kick a field goal. Texans lead 7-3.)

Weston

Shareece Wright getting beat on every play and still being able to play the ball is an elite skill

MDC

Shareece lives dangerously. What could possibly go wrong?

(Hopkins completes a pass, Broncos challenge the first down.)

BFD

This challenge is a waste of everybody’s time.

UT

I don’t know how they called that complete but I know they’ll overturn the [kitten] out of that call.

::plays Foreigner’s I Want To Know What A Catch Is::

MDC

When did they change the “to the ground” rule? Because I’m sure I heard someone mention it just a few weeks ago.

UT (to MDC)

I think that change came this last offseason.

MDC

So, according to Sterratore, it was a catch as soon as his two feet then his knee hit the ground. That seems...weird. But I’ll take it.

BFD

As soon as they make a football move, they become like a RB now. Tucking the ball = completing the catch.

Alfred Blue has averaged 3.6 y/a in his career, and he’s at 3.3 y/a in 2018. What a [kitten]ing waste of our time, again, whenever he carries the damn ball.

Second Quarter

(Texans go for it on fourth and one, turn the ball over on downs.)

UT

Texans went for it on fourth and one and fail because IT WAS A RUN UP THE [KITTEN]ING MIDDLE WHAT THE [KITTEN] ARE YOU DOING BRAIN!?

MDC

I mean, when Watson is running at will and the passing game is clicking why WOULDN’T you give the ball to the worst offensive player on the field??

BFD

Let’s say it’s 4th and 1, deep in your opponent’s territory. Now, let’s say you have two choices on play calling. You can either: a. line-up Ryan Griffin as your FB, line up in the I, and then hand-off to Alfred Blue to go up the middle, or b. ANYTHING ELSE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL INCLUDING THE COLTS FAKE PUNT.

O’Brain, of course, opted for a.

UT (to MDC)

And on the most “well no [kitten] that didn’t work” play they have in the arsenal?

Bill O’Brien: Putting the arse into arsenal since 2014.

MDC

I honestly cannot think of a worse playcall in that situation with the available personnel.

Mike

When given the option between the All Field Goal Offense vs Run Up the A-Gap, always always always remember running up the A-Gap never works for Houston... might as well have called a draw.

(Texans force a fumble, recover the ball deep in Broncos territory.)

MDC

ReemBoi is playing his [kitten] off.

UT

If the Texans wanted to run the ball up the middle for a loss of yards, they could’ve given it to me

MDC

Let’s just get it back right where we failed a few minutes ago. Maybe O’Brain won’t [kitten] this one up.

Right?

What the actual [kitten] is O’Brain doing with this running game?

(Watson completes a touchdown pass to Hopkins. Texans lead 13-3 after Fairbairn botches the extra point.)

UT

Clemson Connection for a touchdown.

BFD

Jordan Thomas --shanked-- chipped Von Miller on the TD pass to Hopkins, which really helped give Watson time. Beautiful block.

UT

Glad to see Tyrann Mathieu making plays out there.

Weston (to BFD)

Yeah I saw that. It shouldn’t have taken six weeks for it to happen, but I’m glad it’s happening.

Denver is an embarrassment. This quick passing offense is stupid. Joseph is in over his head even going back to last year. They are struggling to generate a rush and are blowing coverages.

Luke (to BFD)

This is what they’ve done well the past few weeks is adding chip blocks back into the playbook instead of acting like letting the O-Line go 1vs1 is the right thing to do.

Weston

Yeah, and it really is incredible it took them as long as it took to do it. I like to think O’Brien put on some 2015 Carolina All-22.

UT

This feels like an entirely different offense even from the first quarter. Like Brain got freaked out by how effective they were and is trying to hit the brakes or something.

MDC

River Cracraft sounds like a low-drag model of boat that you’d custom order from a place called Baton Rouge Customz.

Agreed, [UT]. Like he’s only got so many good plays and he wants to save the rest for the second half.

UT

Clowney, we gotta have a talk about all these offsides penalties.

(Broncos score on the easiest TD run of the game. Texans lead 13-10.)

Capt Ron

It started out good for Houston’s defense, but has RAC accidentally installed the “Bend AND Break” version of the defense in the second quarter?

Weston

That was the problem with the JAX game. He just slammed the brakes and almost let Kessler dink and dunk his way back into it. At least last week he cut the fin off Miami and didn’t let up.

(Nick Martin “sacks” Deshaun Watson, ends Texans’ drive.)

UT

I want Nick Martin shot.

BFD

Nick Martin just collected his first career sack. Nice.

MDC

Brain O’Brain is going to give me an aneurysm.

Capt Ron

Watson was sacked by Nick Martin’s gut? Offensive linemen should include letters across their chest “face toward enemy” like claymore explosive devices.

UT

Mathieu just got trucked and now I think he has to play another sport.

Weston

I want Heurman stiff arming Mathieu tattooed on my throat.

MDC

We’re going to lose this game.

Just throwing that out there now to get in ahead of the crowd.

UT (to MDC)

If the defense keeps giving up big plays like this and Brain doesn’t remember how to offense again, yes.

(Broncos missed a field goal. Badly. Texans still lead 13-10.)

Weston (to MDC)

eh I think they’ll still be ok. Clowney and Watt haven’t even really started rushing the passer yet.

Luke

A fiver says Bob runs out the clock.

UT

Nah, long field goal which doesn’t go.

Luke

[Kitten] you Bob

BFD (to Luke)

Kareem Jackson tackled you for saying that, Luke.

UT (to Luke)

PAY ME MAH MONEY LUKE! PAY ME MAH MONEH!!!!!

[Ed. Note: This was when Fairbairn missed on the iced kick which did not count.]

MDC

I’m just staying consistent and picking a loss when the team is playing like [kitten]. Can’t mess with what has been working on my end.

(Texans kick a field goal. Lead 16-10.)

UT

Ahhhhh, familiarity.

Halftime Reactions

UT

I’ll start with a question. Based on the offensive performance we’ve seen this half, does BOB have dissociative personality disorder?

BFD

This team is so frustrating in that it consistently feels like we play down. The play call on 4th and 1 was so bad. I mean, if I were to think of the most O’Brain call I possibly could, that would be it. Good Durga.

MDC

That would make more sense than the other possible explanations. I honestly don’t understand just abandoning what is working exceptionally well so that you can revert to week 2 playcalling.

BO’B’s playcalling makes me think he enjoys CBS programming.

BFD

BOB’s playcalling makes me think he feels that black pepper is just too spicy.

MDC (to BFD)

Bell peppers?! No thanks! I can’t do Mexican food!

Weston

Pink salt? What is that? NO. No, thank you.

UT

“Excuse me, waiter? This water is a little too spicy for my liking, could you please get me a new glass?”

Luke

‘’Don’t you guys having something more plain like a Coors Light’’?

Third Quarter

BFD

The stupidest thing the Broncos can do the rest of the game is run the ball.

Jeremy

I’d like to see a nice 5+ minute clock-eating, scoring drive here.

UT (to Jeremy)

Run up the middle. Yeah, we’re not getting that.

Luke

Kareem Jackson is phenomenal.

(On the Texans’ inability to tackle today.)

UT

Seems like we’re getting all the big hits on defense and none of the tackling.

It’s like they took D.J. Swearinger and made an entire defense out of him.

Luke

Brian Peters there and Justin Reid on the previous 3rd down with just two woeful tackle attempts.

(Broncos score a touchdown. Crowd on the patio gets louder. I ponder mass murder and Denver leads 17-16.)

BFD

[Durga kitten kitten].

Weston

The Broncos are dumb for how they started this game offensively.

That under hand toss is why I’ll always love KEEEEEEENUUUUUUUM even a little bit

UT

See, they get a five yard run up the middle and then Brain be like “LET’S DO THIS FOREVER!!!”

BFD

Kendall Lamm is dead. Jeez.

Luke

Does this mean we’re finally going to get Davenport at LT and Rankin at RT?

UT (to Luke)

Exactly that.

Kenneth L.

When will we realize that Martinas Rankin is not a tackle?

UT (to Kenneth)

When they realize that Alfred Blue is not really a running back.

Fourth Quarter

MDC

BTW...BFD’s exact score prediction is in play.

BFD

Three receivers within seven yards of each other on that 3rd down. What [kitten]ing awesome playcalling.

Weston

I still think Rankin can’t play left but can play right and yeah he’s been bad since he came in.

He’s moved around a lot, is still young, and didn’t have a training camp this year. His career has started as bad as it could.

UT

If I died and were buried, that six feet of ground is more ground than any Bill O’Brien run up the middle has ever gotten.

(Texans score a field goal. Lead 19-17.)

Kenneth L.

Can we please get Foreman back?

UT

It only took three and a half quarters but they finally sacked Keenum.

Has Demaryius gotten a target since the first quarter? I haven’t seen him since then it seems like.

Luke

Nope. 3 targets, 3 catches.

MDC

JJ Watt is glorious

UT

Brain is trying to drain the clock. It’s possible he’s been trying to do that since the second quarter.

BFD

We are again playing for the tie, and the math doesn’t even work.

Luke

[Kitten] tackling is going to be the death of this defense

CLowney with as good as a TFL or a sack there.

(Broncos set up to kick game winning field goal.)

Weston

WELCOME TO HELL

Luke

Are you feeling the one possession games now Mr Krabs?

What’s the money on BOB icing the kicker with that last TO?

(McManus misses the game winning kick, Texans win 19-17.)

Post-Game Reactions

BFD

Speechless. This is a horrible 6-3 team.

Luke

It’s a win?

UT

Glory to All Field Goal Offense and all that.

MDC

I don’t even understand.

Luke

I see Bill O’Brien stop coaching after the first half and I’m like ‘’Whatever’’

Kenneth L.

How did we win that game. We played like trolls. Broncos are the best worst team in the league and we are the worst best team in the league.

Weston

I’d fire Vance Joseph tonight

Game Balls

Offense - This week I’ll give it to Demaryius Thomas because he’s new and we should welcome him to the team the best way we can, with imaginary gameday balls.

Defense - Kareem Jackson had some pretty great hits so we’ll give him the ball this week.

Special Teams - Ka’imi Fairbairn, with the exception of a PAT which wasn’t his fault because the laces were in (literally), had some critical field goals today so he can have the game ball today.

Got different opinions about who should get the gameballs? Want to celebrate the Texans getting to 6-3, becoming only the second team to do so since the 1970 New York Giants? Other? Let us know in the comments section!