Hair of the Dog - Colts vs. Texans

I keep seeing ads on TV for Clint Eastwood’s new movie “The Mule.” I’m not going to see it. Matter of fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a movie he’s directed and definitely none of his latest movies, mostly because they’re kind of the same: a grizzled old man finds himself in a situation that probably won’t end well for him.

So I won’t see it, but the ads remind me of an old movie of his that I watched Friday night for the first time since I was a kid. It was a loose, jangly 1970s blockbuster comedy featuring Eastwood, a biker gang, a love interest who I can only assume is a prostitute, and an orangutan. It’s called “Every Which Way But Loose.” I think “The Mule” is the gritty third and final chapter of the Philo Beddoe saga begun in EWWBL. They’re both truck drivers who got themselves involved in extralegal activities that may or may not get them killed. In EWWBL, Eastwood is a truck driver who participates in illegal bare-knuckle brawling for money in various blue collar worksites (a construction site, a meat packing plant, I think possibly a junkyard...you get the idea).

The brawling, I suspect, is his primary source of income because in the movie, he drives a work truck once at the start and we never see that company again. And make no mistake, because it’s an Eastwood flick, he is outstanding at fighting all the big, dumpy fighters either in the makeshift rings he fights in or the biker gangs he singlehandedly dispatches with unnatural ease.

Here is my theory of how this works: After the events of EWWBL and its sequel, “Any Which Way You Can,” Philo Beddoe (Eastwood) continues his “career” as a bareknuckle fighter and gets a reputation throughout the west coast (since the movies are set primarily in California and Colorado) as a great fighter, a fighter who will drive wherever for a good fight with a nice, juicy cash prize attached. One day, when he’s older, has lost a step, and is no longer in his fighting prime, he picks a fight with the wrong guy, someone who just beats the everloving crap out of him. This couldn’t happen at a worse time because he hasn’t had a lot of luck at fighting lately; the truck driving jobs have dried up because he’s too busy traveling and fighting for his living. So he’s broke and can’t afford to pay the bet he made with this vastly superior fighter who happens to be connected to a drug cartel.

Philo and the fighter’s employer (the cartel) work out a deal so that he has to deliver “packages” for them all across the country. Nobody would dare try to intercept him while making deliveries because he’s the great Philo Beddoe. Who would dare try to cross him, right?

Fast forward 30+ years later and you have Eastwood, bitter and angry, looking after an older Sondra Locke (who doesn’t look all that much better as an old woman as she did in EWWBL but that’s not saying a lot), at the beck and call of a criminal syndicate who has total power of life and death over him and his wife. I assume Clyde (the orangutan) was killed by the cartel when Beddoe tried to pull a fast one on them earlier in their relationship. He hates not having his freedom. He hates not being able to fight like he used to. He hates that this is what his life has become; and that’s the world where “The Mule” takes place. I’m sure there’s a lot about the movie I’m ignoring and there’s probably more to it than that, but I like my version better so I’m going to stick with it.

You, my fine internet friend, may be asking yourself (and me) “What does any of this have to do with the Texans game against the Colts Sunday?”

Aside from me bringing it up at some point later in the thread, nothing. I just really don’t want to make myself mad again by doing a write-up about Sunday’s game. So let’s just get to the Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. Which means that this week’s HotD looks like a kennel.

First Quarter:

Ryan

And the Colts already have given the ball back to Houston

Weston

Darius Leonard is really fast. Both him and Anthony Walker are going to be a nice ILB combo for future days to come.

I really appreciate the toughness and confidence Tyrann Mathieu has brought to my life. I don’t know where I would be without him.

Ryan

Luck almost hit Hal with the Remember the Titans play with the ball upside his head.

UT

By the way, I’m starting the clock now for when the Texans allow a deep bomb to TY Hilton for the touchdown. Because it’s coming.

Weston

The pass rush has been great so far. I loved the Andre Hal blitz. Blitzing is pretty easy when you have a free path.

Capt Ron

Since that “deep bomb to TY Hilton” was the center square on my Texans bingo card, I took the liberty of marking it off during the pre-game warmups. I feel like that’s a “gimme.”

(Deshaun Watson sacked.)

UT

Grape job, O-Line.

Weston (to UT)

[whispers]

the colts defense is pretty good

Capt Ron

If the defense keeps physically hitting the QB after the whistle, isn’t there supposed to be, um I don’t know, A FLAG OR SOMETHING?!!

UT (to Weston)

[whispers back]

He was practically undefended getting to Watson.

Capt Ron

Ryan Griffin missed the outside rusher on that sack. He decided to search for a box of candy in the land of swirling gum drops the other direction.

(Texans challenge a Colts first down.)

UT

Mark off “unsuccessful BOB challenge” on your bingo cards too.

Ryan

Challenge flag couldn’t come fast enough.

Weston (to UT)

It’s one play plus hundreds of others. All year the Colts defense has been better than what they’ve been given credit for.

The Texans best defense so far has been their pass rush, and the Colts’ receivers.

(Call is successfully overturned)

UT

I’ll be [kitten]ed, he got it right.

Capt Ron

Nice blocking by DT there on that boot-pass-run.

UT

Colts just tried to murder Jordan Akins mid-air.

Ryan

Tight ends are allowed to catch passes?

Weston

I hate that that’s a penalty.

The only thing Alfred Blue does well is keep his feet moving.

Diehard Chris (to Weston)

At first glance, that looked like a horrific call against the Colts.

(Alfred Blue scores a touchdown after the entire team pushes him across the end zone. Texans lead 7-0.)

UT

I just about laughed my [kitten] off when I saw Ryan Griffin jump up and try to somersault the pile into the endzone.

Ryan (to Weston)

Looked pretty violent from the press box.

Weston (to Chris)

Because it was a horrific call. He came low and hit him in the side. It doesn’t matter if it looks violent. Football is violence.

Capt Ron (to Weston)

It’s hard to play defense but I approve of the rule and effort to improve safety.

Group swarm for a TD!

Diehard Chris (to Weston)

That’s the problem. Violent does not equal illegal. The refs are better about this now than they were last year, but for a while it was almost an automatic flag if the hit was violent regardless of whether it was clean.

UT (to Weston)

Football is violence for other teams. For my team, football is big palace full of nothing but fun and comfy sofas.

Ryan

I’m not complaining but it seems like the Colts are getting the short end of the stick with penalties so far.

Weston (to Chris)

Exactly. You can hit somebody as hard as you want as long as you don’t hit the head. Not allowing smashing the side of a receiver makes the game worse.

Ryan (to Weston)

To clarify, what I should have said it looked like a violent play around the head. I hadn’t seen the replay. I could have very well been a clean hit.

Capt Ron

Great catch by DT!

Second Quarter:

Weston (to Ryan)

gotcha, yeah the television showed it wasn’t helmet to helmet.

I’ve loved how Houston has covered Ebron today. My fantasy playoff teams haven’t.

Diehard Chris (to Ryan)

I hear ya Ryan. The biggest problem I see with this is that the only way for it to be fair is to make it subject to replay, which, talk about slowing the game down. NFL fans clown the refs mercilessly but it is asking quite a lot of them to get those calls right in real time considering you can’t predict where the hit will take place nor the angle of view.

Weston

Hell yeah. Play action is good. Throwing it downfield is good.

Ryan

How often do you see Hop run the route short of the sticks?

Capt Ron

Meanwhile Carter is going through the concussion evaluation.

Weston

The Colts stop running the ball. They immediately start moving it.

(Dre Hal picks off the Neckbeard.)

Ryan

Circling back to the hit in the endzone, Carter is out with a concession.

Weston

The biggest thing I’ve learned about the game from watching Houston’s defense is the benefit of stopping the run. As more efficient and effective the pass game is, offenses still rely on it enough, and it forces a ton of third and longs.

The Colts turning Denico Autry into a competent player is some Bill Belichick [kitten].

(Luck throws a deep bomb to TY Hilton, gets to the four yard line.)

Ryan (to UT)

Stop the clock.

Weston

Throw the ball downfield against the Houston Texans.

UT

Whoever had 25:27 on the clock for a deep strike due to us being UNABLE TO EVER [KITTEN]ING CONTAIN TY HILTON please come to the front desk so I can beat you to death with a small hammer.

(Colts score on ensuing play, game tied at 7. Whatevs.)

Capt Ron

That sack was on Watson, but the drive was ground to a halt right out of the gate with OB’s insistence on running up the middle on 1st down resulting in a loss of four yards. Indigenous cannibals in Papua New Guinea know that the Texans run up the middle on 1st down.

UT

The Sentinelese people of the Andaman Islands violently resist contact with the outside world and even they knew that deep bomb to TY Hilton was going to happen.

Capt Ron

There’s the deep bomb to Hilton. He has to be 100% on those vs. the Texans in every game that he has been on the active roster. Good grief!

UT

The more I think about this new Clint Eastwood movie, the more I think this is just the dark third and final chapter of his “Every Which Way But Loose” saga.

Diehard Chris

How God awful is Sammie Coates that he can’t get snaps ahead of Joe Webb??

This first half has been low scoring but I still think this is gonna be a shootout. Buckle up.

Capt Ron

Especially if RAC insists on leaving the middle of the field wide open for Luck to target.

Ryan

Game notes:

Andrew Luck is pretty good

Texans secondary is bad

UT

[Kitten]ing kill me.

They figured out the weak spot (the whole [kitten] secondary).

(Ebron catches the ball, falls down, has a cup of tea with scone, paints a [kittening] Bob Ross landscape painting and falls into the end zone for a touchdown. Colts lead 14-7. I’m not ticked.)

Ryan

Ebron so wide open: he could catch the ball, sit down and flop into the end zone without a single finger place on him.

Weston

Throw the ball against the Houston Texans.

Diehard Chris

This game is going exactly as predicted so far haha.

Capt Ron

Ebron unrolled one of those travel chess sets at the one-yard line, made three good moves against himself, and then scored the TD. Might want to cover that guy. Just saying.

UT

I hate our offensive line so much I’m going to go blind.

MDC

Well, I’m done watching. If I wanted to see something this [kitten]y, I’d just watch “God Friended Me.”

Diehard Chris

#TexansEndOfHalfDefense needs to nut the hell up and keep this deficit within seven. Always horrible against good passing teams.

Weston

I loved Kelemete getting beat off the line of scrimmage, then going to double the interior rusher to act like it was a miscommunication.

Capt Ron

I was relieved that Houston didn’t run up the middle on first down, but failing to block a rusher up the middle who freight-trained Watson seems like a poor choice as well.

UT

I’m calling my shot: deep bomb to T.Y. Hilton for the lightning score to put the Colts up 21-7.

May (deity of your choice) strike me dead if this happens.

[Ed. Note: No diety struck me dead.]

Weston

Adam Vinateri’s beard make me feel really gross. It’s the most despicable thing I’ve ever seen.

(Vinatieri field goal. Fightin’ Beards lead 17-7.)

Ryan

Santa nails the FG.

Capt Ron

His beard could get open for a bomb over the middle against Houston’s secondary.

Halftime Reactions:

UT

WILL NO ONE RID ME OF THIS NETTLESOME QUARTERBACK?!?!

Weston

Don’t run the ball at the Houston Texans.

Luke

I’m excited to see eight weeks of good will and cheer just evaporate in this second half.

Tim (in a rare in-studio appearance)

I ask this because I am honestly sure I must have missed something: Why did O’Brien call a timeout after the Texans had the Colts in second and long deep in their own territory with about a minute left in the half? Was someone hurt? It happened almost immediately after the whistle, where he could have subbed, so I can’t imagine it was because the personnel was wrong.

BFD

He did it on purpose according to the radio announcers. He was adamant about it, too, and was angry when it did not happen sooner.

Weston

I don’t know. I thought he called it to save time to get another chance to have the ball.

Tim

I would be [kitten]ed at my five year old daughter for making that decision if that was the rationale.

I don’t necessarily think that keeps the Colts from tacking three on at the end of the half, but it surely didn’t help.

UT

I need the lawyers in the room to answer me a burning legal question:

I’m sitting next to a Colts fan here with his kid and he’s loud and promoting poor habits to his child (that of being a Colts fan).

Would a judge allow me to use “honor killing” as a legal justification for beating this person to death with my chair?

Thanks.

Third Quarter:

Weston

I do think Houston is going to have to limit the chipping. The Colts’ pass rush is good, but it isn’t terrifying. Nobody is getting open and it’s limiting the number of routes they have. And the key to this game from here on out is Watt and Clowney actually bringing Luck down instead of sniffing him.

Ryan (to UT)

Just tell them it was AFC South Mortal Combat.

UT

Ryan Griffin must love the hell out of pass interference calls, because at least that way he has a built-in excuse for why he didn’t catch it instead of his own incompetence.

I may have to beat this guy to death with my chair anyway.

(Texans challenge whether Ryan Griffin reached the end zone for a touchdown. Call stands. Put this in your back pocket, ladies and gentlemen.)

UT

Oh, no, Bill baby, what you doin’?

Weston

never listen to Ryan Griffin

what a stupid challenge

Tim

This is a horrific challenge. It looked good live, but no way you can watch it on replay and think there’s enough to overturn the call on the field.

Capt Ron

It’s not that it didn’t cross the plane, because it actually might have, it’s that the NFL (with all its billions in resources) doesn’t have a camera in position to determine if it did or not!

(Texans direct snap to Lamar Miller for the TD. Hirsute Midwesterners lead 17-14.)

Capt Ron

Miller direct snap for a TD. So much better than a FG!

Ryan

I had my 4th and inch shotgun formation comment ready to fire.

Tim

I applaud O’Brien for that creative play call. I pray the Texans don’t need that timeout later.

Weston

He didn’t cross the line.

They’re 100% going to need that timeout later.

Diehard Chris

I hated that play call but it worked!

Capt Ron

What’s the over/under on TY Hilton sucking the air out of NRG in this next drive for the Colts?

UT (to Capt Ron)

Is he back in? Last I heard he went to the locker room early so I thought he was hurt or something.

Capt Ron (to UT)

Hilton got nicked up on that deep pass in the first half, he’s back in.

RAC has to break this protection somehow. Terrible pass rush schemes so far.

(Next Play...)

Crap! Reid coming out with some shoulder issue.

Watt with a sack!

(Texans’ secondary gets burned, Hairballs lead 24-14.)

UT

Now I’m forced to seesaw between what I hate more: the offensive line or the secondary.

Capt Ron

Wright ain’t right. He’s getting spit roasted out there and just gave up a TD.

Burnham

Oh my god this secondary is nightmarish.

Weston

Wright sucks. The Colts are the first team in ten weeks to figure this out.

Capt Ron

“Houston’s offensive line is the worst unit on the field today.”

Texans’ secondary: “Hold my beer.”

Diehard Chris

The secondary is what it’s been all season. O’Brien gonna have to let Deshaun cut it loose, but he might die today because, O-line.

BFD

I’m late saying this, but Greg Mancz was a superstar on the direct snap TD by Miller.

UT

I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for penalties today, we might very well be going all field goal offense today.

Fourth Quarter:

Weston

Here’s the problem. This is a fringe top ten passing offense. Imagine KC, LAC, PIT, or NE against this secondary. 8 of those 9 wins came against teams that can’t take advantage of Shareece Wright.

UT

Watson’s been overthrowing pretty badly, at least a couple of his incompletions could’ve been touchdowns with a bit less oomph on the ball.

Capt Ron

OB’s play calling puts me to sleep faster than chugging a bottle of NyQuil while curled up next to a fire and listening to Bob Ross.

Weston

lazy [kitten] CBS reusing stock footage

UT

It’s sad that at 3rd and 10 there was zero doubt in my mind that was going to end up a first down because it was a pass play.

I hate you TY Hilton and I hope you’re eaten by snails.

Weston

Frank Reich should go to jail for that second and ten run call. Him and Bill O’Brien need to stop hanging out together.

BFD

The one thing I keep thinking is that neither team can run the ball, but they insist on doing so.

Capt Ron

Good defensive stop there. Could have had that on the last third down if they could stop a screen.

Clock is ticking and Houston is still down by 10. Offense needs to score this drive.

Also, it would be good to have that timeout back that was burned in a bad challenge to start the half.

UT

Why do I get this sudden “overtimey” feel to this game?

Capt Ron

Watson needs someone to adjust his clock speed. He’s holding the ball WAY too long.

UT (to Capt Ron)

He keeps trying to make stuff happen that clearly is not going to happen.

Tim

Would you have punted there? Less than seven minutes left and down by ten?

Capt Ron (to UT)

OT is only happening with a defensive score, because this offense is adrift rudderless in the Bearing Sea.

BFD (to Tim)

I would have, yes. Still too early, but this would be the last drive I WOULD punt.

And this is why: I expect more runs than throws to Hilton, so they get behind schedule. Reich wants to be BOB.

UT

Three of TY Hilton’s four biggest games per yardage are against the Texans.

Week 6 - 2014: 223

Today - 193

Week 5 - 2017 (v. SF): 177

Week 9 - 2017: 175

Capt Ron

“TY Hilton: The Deadliest Catch!”

(Ryan Griffin runs the ball to the Texans’ red zone.)

UT

::cleans glasses and watches replay::

Ryan Griffin did a thing.

Capt Ron

Ryan Griffin ran over a Hooker down the field for a huge play!

Weston

Darius Leonard is a [kitten] star. Unbelievable they have him in coverage against DeAndre Hopkins.

(Clemson Connection bring the Texans to a field goal away from tying up the game, 24-21.)

UT

Oh Durga we’re gonna have to rely on the defense here, aren’t we?

Capt Ron

OB: “Alright, let’s burn this clock down.”

RAC: “But we are down by 10 with less than three minutes in the game?!!”

OB: “Ah, good point.”

OB (over radio): “Run up the middle.”

Houston isn’t playing like a team that could have sealed the division title today.

UT

And no onside kick.

Ooooooookay...

MDC

Good thing they have three timeouts...

Oh.

BFD (to Capt Ron)

Nope, and it looks like both teams are playing for the tie, though the first play by the Clots was a pass.

UT

And Kareem Jackson is doing his [kitten]edest to make sure this doesn’t go to overtime.

Everybody thank Kareem.

And now we’re out of timeouts.

BFD (to MDC)

HA! Just getting ready to chime in on that. Losing that TO on the questionable challenge was pure BOB.

Capt Ron

Luck checks into the Hilton while the pass rush sips an autumnal mead in the stockade.

(Clowney bites on a hard count by Luck, giving the Colts the first down and without timeouts to stop it.)

UT

The one thing. THE ONE MOTHER[KITTEN]ING THING THAT WE COULDN’T LET HAPPEN AND CLOWNEY SAYS “OH PLEASE BE MY [KITTEN]ING GUEST AND TAKE THIS WIN RIGHT NOW!”

BFD

Clowney jumps into neutral zone. Ballgame, peeps.

Burnham

That is the most pathetic way to lose a ball game.

Weston

lol

I actually thought the Colts were going to run the ball.

Capt Ron

Scratch “Clowney jumps off sides to give the opponent a 1st down” off your bingo card.

UT

Man that Ryan Griffin challenge really [kitten]ing paid off, didn’t it? [Kitten] this.

(Texans lose to Colts in the most Texans way possible, 24-21.)

Postgame Reactions:

Capt Ron

Brian Gaine to Clowney’s agent: “Go ahead and test the market.”

UT

So which is worse: Losing on the dumbest of dumb[kitten] penalties like we did or losing via hook and lateral the way the Patriots did against the Dolphins just now?

Tim

Kareem and Clowney let O’Brien and his terrible challenge on the Griffin catch off the hook.

Weston

I’d rather lose how Houston lost. At least it made sense. Clowney has been yanked by Luck multiple times.

Diehard Chris

Folks more to blame for that loss than Clowney: Bill O’Brien, Deshaun Watson, the secondary.

Game Balls:

Offense - I’ll give it to Lamar Miller because someone should get one, I guess.

Defense - Dre Hal for the interception.

Special Teams - Let’s go with Trevor Daniel today.

Got any alternate theories on movies you’d like to share? Want to argue about game balls? Something else on your mind? Well get your thoughts recorded in the comments below!