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Look, I’m gonna level with y’all. I’m tired. I only just finished decorating my tree two hours ago as of this writing and I still have a second one to decorate before the day’s out tomorrow. So I’m going to make this short and sweet and get right to the dog.
As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe to read at work. While I realize that today is Christmas Eve and most of y’all won’t be working, I still added them because I think y’all deserve to keep the spirit of this tradition going even in this hectic time.
On to the dog!
Pregame Thoughts
Weston
I’m very excited for this game
Luke
Welp, looks like i’m blacked out for this game. Curse you Rupert Murdoch.
First Quarter
UT
And somehow the first play is a run up the middle for Blue with predictable results.
I love that kind of consistency.
BFD
Alfred Blue is clearly the best running back in Texans’ history.
(Eagles score on a fourth down conversion, lead 7-0.)
UT
3/4 third down conversions
1/1 fourth down conversions
BFD
Woohoo! Time for more Alfred Blue up the middle for short gains, though he’s clearly better than Lamar Miller. Not even close.
UT
There was a D’Onta Foreman sighting though.
BFD (to UT)
Why would they do that when 3.3 > 4.7?
Second Quarter
Weston
I just got to the television. All I know so far is that Deshaun Watson is really good, and Houston can’t cover TEs.
(Texans kick a field goal. Eagles lead 7-3.)
UT
Glory to All Field Goals Offense.
Weston
Glory gory hallelujah
BFD
Offense is super effective throwing the ball, and the run game puts us off schedule.
Burnham
Gonna be another game with one touchdown and four field goals
Weston
At least the pass pro has been good so far.
The run blocking hasn’t been good the last two weeks, but Blue can’t create anything and is nauseating to watch.
UT (to Weston)
Neither is Foreman though, to be honest. I mean I know expecting much of him after just coming back is a fool’s errand but man he’s looking rusty as [kitten].
Weston (to UT)
At least there’s some unknown potential there. We all know what Blue is.
[Kitten] yeah more wide open to dump offs to Blue where he can’t pick up anything after the catch
BFD (to Weston)
Yes we do, Big Matt: easily the best running back in Texans’ history!
Kenneth L.
We do not look ready to play
Luke
By the sounds of it I sound be glad that the game is blacked out.
UT (to Luke)
It’s uh...not great right now.
Weston
Alfred Blue has a broken tackle rate of 6.0%
(Clowney sacks Nick Foles and forces a fumble that the Texans recover.)
UT
This will be such an easy field goal!
Weston
Imagine how bad this defense would be if they didn’t have Jadeveon Clowney
(Deshaun Watson runs the ball in for a touchdown. Texans lead 9-7 after a missed extra point.)
UT
Pay Jadeveon Clowney.
BFD
And Watt.
Luke
Deshaun Watson will defeat Bill O’Brien.
Only 2 more sacks until Clowney is officially #statsgud
BFD
Let Deshaun Watson do things and good [kitten] happens.
UT
Can we do something about Darren-the-[kitten]-Sproles please?
Weston
[Durga] [kitten] Philly is dumb for trying to run the ball on 3rd and 1
Throw it! It works!
(Watt flagged for roughing the passer.)
UT
[Durgakitten], Watt, they don’t need the help.
Weston
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Watt called for roughing the passer
Burnham
You know what you shouldn’t do? Rough the passer to set up a 1st and goal at the 1. Probably not the best idea but what do I know, I’m not a football player.
UT
I’m not sure I’ve seen a holding call go in Clowney’s favor before either but here we are.
Holding and a false start and there’s still no doubt in my mind the Eagles score a TD here.
(Eagles score a TD again, fail to get two point conversion, lead 13-9.)
Weston
Clowney is so [Durga] [kitten] [kitten]ing good
UT
I think we should just not run for the rest of the game. Like, at all.
Weston (to UT)
I can get behind that. Just throw the ball outside.
I’ve been impressed by the pass protection by far.
Yeah that’s not a penalty.
Nice job by the tight end not sliding down to block Graham.
(Deshaun Watson runs the ball in for the touchdown. Texans lead 16-13.)
UT
Deshaun Watson is our offense and our offense is Deshaun Watson.
Any idea what the fans were chanting out there?
BFD
Let Deshaun Watson do things, and good things happen.
Weston
[Ed. Note: This is what they were chanting, there’s no way to edit it to make it SFW.]
Ryan
Not sure these refs are going to get out of the Linc alive
Halftime Reactions
Weston
remember the refs hate the houston texans
Neither team should run the ball for the rest of the game.
Aside from the officiating, this game has been awesome
BFD
Deshaun Watson is pretty good at the football. Maybe we should stop letting the bad players have the ball.
Ryan
I’ve spent a lifetime watching Washington football battling the Eagles with my dad. But this half has made me hate the Eagles more then my previous 30 years on this earth.
UT
I...I think Jim Nantz is wearing a rug.
Also, I like Gary Cole, but this sitcom he’s starring in looks unwatchable; which is a real shame because he’s a really good actor.
Third Quarter
Weston
Doug Pederson is a crazy [kitten]
UT
I hate that they always go for it on fourth down. At least this time it wasn’t a touchdown.
(McKinney intercepts the ball, ending the Eagles’ drive.)
Weston
McKinney with the juggling interception to keep the cellphone from falling into the toilet
BFD
I’ve really missed the good McKinney this year.
UT
I wish we had Doug Pederson for head coach.
Weston
McKinney has been great this year. We’ve just been missing the inside blitzing.
lol at O’Brien playing for field goal position on 3rd and 11.
Ryan
Playing for the punt
UT
Bill O’Brien: Putting the foot back in football.
Weston (to UT)
How about we kidnap Pederson, cut his balls off, and sew them onto O’Brien? I think that’s something we could pull off.
UT (to Weston)
Too much risk of organ rejection. Probably easier to kidnap Pederson and brainwash him into thinking the Texans are the Eagles.
BFD
Eight rushes, 11 yards. Punting on the opponents side of the field. THE MARVIN O’BRAIN FOOTBALL EXPERIENCE.
Weston (to UT)
I’m good with either one and we can make Mike Mularkey the offensive coordinator while we are at it.
The Eagles have finally realized running the ball is extremely stupid.
UT
Scratch “injured Johnathan Joseph” off your bingo card.
(Eagles kick a field goal. Game tied 16-16.)
UT
At the 50. He’s punting at the [Durgakitten] 50 yard line.
(Eagles score a touchdown on their first play after the punt, lead 23-16.)
UT
One play TD by the Eagles. I blame BOB on this.
Weston
That touchdown pass over Tyrann Mathieu is the ultimate conclusion to everything I’ve been hollering about all year long.
Ryan
Let’s play it safe on 4th and 2. What bad could happen?
Fourth Quarter
(Demaryius Thomas injures his Achilles.)
UT
The receiver we got for our injured receiver has himself gotten injured.
This is fine. Everything’s fine.
Diehard Chris
Weston’s raging hate-erection for Tyrann Mathieu has surpassed my hatred for kickers.
Weston
This game rests entirely on Watson and Hopkins now.
Ryan
This is fine. Everything’s fine.
UT
Demaryius Thomas has an achilles injury. He’s done.
JJo still not in the game, with a neck injury.
If we make the playoffs, we are going to be an easy out at this rate.
Weston
lol
I kind of feel bad about that play for Mathieu. That’s a tough spot to be in. It says more about the fact that Houston has played a ton of terrible passing offenses all year and was able to survive by scoring 23 points. Against teams that can and actually will throw the football the offense needs to be better. O’Brien’s trying not to have the #1 offense, and when Houston has to flip the switch and push the ball they aren’t able to. It’s not a switch. They had all season to build the offense into something better, and instead they spent it scraping together 23 points.
UT
It would be funny if the Texans lose the first and last three games of the season, because symmetry is cool.
(Eagles score on the most “well no [kitten]” catch that everyone knew would wind up in the end zone, lead 29-16.)
UT
Drive safe, y’all.
Weston
Throw the ball against the Houston Texans.
Luke
I think I was too generous on my evaluation of Dylan Cole.
Weston
I hate everyone who started celebrating the #2 seed last week
UT
Is this secondary better or worse than the 2010 Frank Bush secondary?
Luke (to UT)
Was that secondary riddled with injuries to the point where it was playing it’s 4th string corners?
UT
I don’t know who’s doing the camera work for this game but they should be fired. That’s two shots in a row where someone’s hand/arm has gotten in the way of what’s going on on the field.
But then nothing good is happening on the field so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much.
(D’Onta Foreman catches a touchdown from Watson. Eagles lead 29-23.)
Weston
It’s so annoying Houston wasted the entire first half trying to run the football with the secondary Philly has.
UT
I see we’ve reached the “Brain uses timeouts for no good reason” portion of the game.
(Watson throws a marvelous pass to Vyncint Smith in the back of the end zone for a touchdown. Texans lead 30-29.)
UT
HOW?!!! HOW DID HE DO THAT?!
Luke
He’s a deity i’m sure of it.
Jeremy
My jaw is on the floor.
Weston
I’m speechless. I really can’t believe what I just saw.
Jeremy
The ironic thing about that play is that he probably isn’t on the field had Demaryius stayed healthy.
BFD
This offense is at its best when BOB can’t run the ball.
(Eagles break a long run into field goal range.)
BFD
All the beauty and all the warts in the same game.
(Eagles kick field goal. Texans lose 32-30.)
UT
An amazing Deshaun Watson comeback completely negated by our all-butt defense.
Thanks for nothing defense.
Luke
Thank the [kitten]ing lord that went through, I couldn’t stand a week of ‘’Oh man their just a gritty team gritting out close wins like all good gritty teams do’’.
BFD
It would have been LOL hilarious if we won a third game off a missed winning FG.
Luke (to BFD)
A defense shouldn’t be that garbage and get away with it.
Weston
I really can’t get over how [kitten]ing good Watson is
Imagine if O’Brien was trying to have the best offense in football
MDC
Watson succeeds despite Brain O’Brain, not because of him.
Game Balls
Offense - Deshaun Watson is our offense and our offense is Deshaun Watson, so he gets the offensive game ball.
Defense - I’m hard-pressed to give this to anyone but I’ll give it to Clowney this week.
Special Teams - Glory to Ka’imi Fairbairn and our all field goal offense.
Got something you wish to add to this? Think someone got snubbed out of a game ball? Then let us know in the comments!
Also, from everyone here at the UT household, we’d like to wish you and yours a very happy Saturnalia and all the various and assorted holidays attached to this time of year.