Sick As A Dog: Browns-Texans

On Sunday, the Texans won against the Cleveland Browns 29-13. This is about the extent of my knowledge of that game because I am currently sick as [kitten] and did not watch the game. Still, the Texans have won nine straight and are in the hunt for a bye week. They could clinch as early as next Sunday against the baby horses of Indianapolis.

So I will keep this brief and get right to this week’s truncated “Hair of the Dog.” Partly because I didn’t get to see the game and partly because I want to get this done early and go to bed.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe for work. Any swear words that are missed can be attributed to the Lesotho Death Flu I am currently battlefighting through.

On to the Dog!

Pregame Thoughts:

Luke

So apparently the game is blacked out on NFL Gamepass so I’m red zoning today it seems.

Kenneth L. (to Luke)

How does that even happen?

Luke (to Kenneth)

Apparently it’s a UK & Ireland blackout so my guess is that it’s the game that Sky Sports(the sole carrier of NFL football over here) is showing.

First Quarter:

MDC

It’s like Cleveland is the one team who didn’t realize that Houston is gonna run the ball.

I don’t ask for much. I just want JJ Watt to get after Baker Mayfield like JJ is on the Fayetteville PD.

Weston

Gregg Williams lives in the bottom of a volcano.

Luke

Everyone wants to live in that volcano, he’s been getting plenty of calls about his home in a cave at the bottom of a volcano.

MDC

I love how quickly Houston can go from effective running game to guaranteed wasting of first down.

Weston

DeAndre Hopkins is really good. Throw the ball downfield to him more often.

Kenneth L.

Oh we look slick.

BFD

The offensive scheme today is looking more 2017 again. Play action for the TD.

Jordan Thomas >>>>>> Ryan Griffin

It kinda looks like the Browns are run blitzing to slow down the run, but they aren’t always successful.

Weston

I thought y’all told me the Browns are good.

BFD (to Weston)

No, they are mediocre like we are most of the time. They aren’t bad, which is the false belief.

Weston

That was a hot Mayfield throw

BFD

Tyrann Mathieu celebrating a tackles after a 15 yard completion is so Tyrann Mathieu.

Second Quarter:

Kenneth L.

An interesting dime concept there by the Texans

Weston

I mean yeah he may have done a good job but why is one of our best pass rushers in coverage?

BFD

That was a really well designed screen. I cannot believe I just typed that.

Weston

I really loved that fake toss quick throw to Griffin

BFD

Another well-designed play. BOB is also breaking tendencies on this drive, especially by NOT giving Blue the ball.

Weston

Football is a complicated game with numerous people required to execute a set of actions. Also, football can be very simple. Don’t give the ball to Alfred Blue. Don’t play Ryan Griffin. Throw the ball downfield. Play action works no matter what’s going on with the run game.

BFD

Ditto, you provincial putz.

I don’t know if it made it, but mark-off “Tyrann Mathieu defensive holding” off your Bingo card.

Zach Cunningham with a pick! Great play. Damnz.

Weston

I think that’s a TD. He dropped another pick on a similar drop back in coverage earlier too.

Someone go to the Colts Texans game with me next weekend.

Luke (to Weston)

We can facetime and act like i’m there with you Matt.

MDC

Suck it, Mayfield.

BFD

JJo with the pick.

Kenneth L.

I remember the big knock on Cunningham in the draft was the paradox of him being a coverage linebacker with no picks. Glad he is getting his hands on some passes

Welcome back, Cleveland

Luke (to BFD)

I won’t believe he’s going to step on the throat [BFD] until we’re 30 points up.

Weston

The problem with Cunningham before the draft was that he didn’t know how to tackle, not that he couldn’t play pass coverage. It’s bad[kitten] how quickly he was able to learn how to tackle.

BFD

I’m not upset with how it has started. Still looking aggressive and no Alfred Blue.

Weston

This is the best they’ve played since they lost Will Fuller V

BFD

And a lot of it is what we talked about all year on BRR (and which you already mentioned): chip, play action, push the ball downfield, cut Alfred Blue.

It’s also why I like Mayfield so much as you can see his willingness to push the ball downfield. You have to do that to be successful in the NFL.

I don’t know how that’s a fumble. No football move.

Burnham

23-0 is great but wow it feels like they should have a lot more

Weston

lol that’s absurd

Halftime Reactions:

Burnham

I don’t like field goals but when the other team has zero points I can’t complain.

MDC (to Burnham)

Agreed, it feels like a little less idiocy in the playcalling would have the Texans with 30 right now.

Third Quarter:

BFD

It’s like we did our game’s worth of scoring (one TD, one defensive TD, three field goals) in the first half, mostly thanks to Mayfield’s picks.

There goes the shutout.

This is why I like Mayfield so much. The kid can ball.

Weston

Gotta love Mathieu not even attempting to tackle Chubb at the goal line.

BFD

Four field goals, one offensive TD, one defensive TD. The offense does LOOK better, but the performance is still pretty blah.

Also, when the announcers were talking about how BOB is content to run the ball while the rest of the league throws it all over the field, that’s why we won’t go anywhere in the playoffs.

Fourth Quarter:

Weston

I’m so glad someone is finally throwing the ball downfield against Houston.

BFD

Holy kitten.

Once again: Justin Reid is why Tyrann Mathieu is gone.

Weston

You gotta love Mathieu taking the ball out of the endzone to be tackled at the three yard line too

Throw the ball downfield against the Houston Texans

BFD

Five field goals, one offensive TD, one defensive TD.

But, hey, I (purposefully) have Fairbairn on two of my three teams, so hooray?

Diehard Chris

Okay - so Tyrann Mathieu. I don’t think Justin Ried is why he’s not going to be re-singd. I think he won’t be re-signed because he’s just okay and he’s going to want top safety money, but also because - Justin Reid.

I haven’t really necessarily defended Mathieu as much as I’ve brought up times when I think Weston or others have been a bit over the top in their criticism of him - but yeah, acting like you did something after a regular (or sometimes negative-result) play annoys the holy [kitten] out of me when clown-ass Travis Kelce does it, so it’s the same for Mathieu. He ain’t great, I acknowledge this.

Weston

That’s pretty much it. He’s fine, but I can’t stand the way he acts for being a mediocre player. The big plays he’s made are usually free path blitzes, and interceptions where the ball bounces off a back’s hands. The missed tackles, holding penalties, and not being all that great in man coverage neutralizes the tackling and zone coverage stuff he does.

Game Balls:

Offense - Jordan Thomas because he scored the team’s only touchdown on offense.

Defense - Zach Cunningham because he scored the team’s only touchdown on defense.

Special Teams - Ka’imi Fairbairn because he scored the rest of the team’s points.

Got a problem with who got game balls (I wouldn’t blame you this week)? Did anybody get Texans bingo? Let yourself be heard in the comments below.

I’m going to bed.