Hair of the Dog - Jaguars/Texans (One More For The Road...Well...Home Anyway)

It seems difficult to believe that a team that started so poorly this year is not only going to the playoffs but will host a home game in the Wild Card round.

But the Texans are.

It seems difficult to imagine that this team would reel off nine straight wins in some of the most screwball ways possible.

But the Texans did.

It seems strange that this would all happen with essentially the same team (save for Deshaun Watson) who won all of four games last year.

But that’s what happened for the Texans.

So, here we are ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the playoffs. May our stay be long and enjoyable and full of fish.

This also means at least one more Hair of the Dog this season, so let’s get through this one. That way, we can dream about the Texans’ playoff possibilities.

On to the dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this post safe for work. And because children might read this and while I don’t particularly care if children learn to swear, I know some of y’all might, and I’d rather not get letters about it.

Enjoy!

Pregame Thoughts

MDC

So, Tottenham and Michigan both [kitten] the bed yesterday. This is not a good sports weekend for me. When Houston loses to Jax today, I won’t be able to say it’s unexpected.

tGC

I’m expecting the Texans to go out there and lay a huge egg, replete with awful, conservative play calling and hair-pulling-out defense. Since it’s the the Texans, I also predict a fifty percent chance of an injury to a key player.

But whatever. It’s currently -16 c (that’s 3 degrees in freedom units) here in Finland, I just had what they call Tex-Mex at the arctic circle, and I’m going skiing tomorrow.

UT

I just saw a still from the pregame at NRG and there’s a shot of the big screen showing “Demarcus Faggins - Texans Legend.”

Ooooooooooookay guys...

Kenneth L.

Pretty light crowd on hand today

MDC

The Texans’ playcalling is at a “commercial for a new CBS sitcom” level of incompetence.

UT (to tGC)

How much reindeer did they use for the Tex-Mex?

tGC (to UT)

I dunno but I ate something with (I think) mayonnaise in it.

Weston

omg please find a screen shot of that

So I 100% want Houston to lose so we can get an AFC South Title game featuring Blaine Gabbert, and I’d rather see Houston play BAL on the road than IND at home in the postseason. Also, savor this game. This maybe the last time we get Blake Bortles.

First Quarter

MDC

This game already sucks.

Weston

The Jacksonville offensive line is so bad now. 3rd and 9 is an absolute death sentence.

(Glitter Kitties punt to the Texans. Carter is hit by a Jags defender, causing the ball to jostle out of his hands and be recovered by Jacksonville.)

UT

That’s one of the most “well no [kitten]” flags I’ve seen for the Texans in quite some time.

Capt Ron

Houston’s defense looks poised to restrict any scoring today!

Sadly, Bill O’Brian’s play calling looks to do the same.

/drink!

(Refs pick up flag for roughing.)

UT

Fine, sure, whatever ref.

Kenneth L.

They are taking a while to decide this [kitten]

(Jags challenge the ruling on the field of Texans’ ball. Call is overturned, Jags get first and goal.)

UT

Strap in, y’all, we’re playing two teams at once today.

Weston

lol JAX can’t score unless things like this happen

(Refs...I mean Jags score a field goal, lead 3-0.)

Capt Ron

So calling fair catch doesn’t mean [kitten] anymore? 3 points to the Jags with a bow on it from the refs.

Weston

JAX only needs 5 more of those to win this game.

UT

Deshaun Watson is the best running back on this team. Fight me.

MDC (to UT)

It’s not even close.

(Watson gets ball into end zone for touchdown...)

UT

Texans have a touchdown. At least at the moment until the refs review and decide that no, in fact, he did not get a touchdown because someone has literal fingers on the line for this game and he (Watson) never crossed the goal line.

(Refs overturn Watson touchdown.)

BFD

16th game of the season, and BOB finally realizes the offense goes through Watson.

Also, it’s clear that Alfred Blue >>>>> Lamar Miller.

UT

Touchdown called back because [kitten] you refs.

Capt Ron

Watson with the extra effort and touchdown....immediately erased by the corrupt refs.

Weston

lol how was that called back?

(Texans kick a field goal, game is tied 3-3.)

UT

Glory to all field goal offense.

Kenneth L.

Incompetent running game gets stuffed three times before a false start. This won’t work in the playoffs

Capt Ron

I need to find a sport that doesn’t involve human officiating.

Weston

glory glory hallelujah

things couldn’t have started any better for my AFC South Championship desires

UT (to Capt Ron)

I think darts only uses computer officials.

[Ed. Note: I just remembered curling does not have human officiating technically. We regret the error.]

Luke

Interior Clowney is best Clowney.

Weston

Yeah, slow developing play action passes aren’t going to work well against JAX

BFD

This is already a very stupid game. I mean, I understand Bortles is your QB, but you aren’t going to beat us running the ball.

Alfred Blue is so much better than Lamar Miller.

MDC

[Kiiiiiiiitten] this playcalling.

(Glitter Kitties muff the punt, Texans recover.)

UT

I fully expected these refs to say that ball went out of bounds and is somehow Jacksonville’s ball.

Luke

Alfred Blue’s pad level on that block was horrific.

Also [Durga] bless the Jags for muffing that punt.

UT

DPI gets the Texans to the two yard line.

Let’s just get The Hardest Working Man In Football (Ka’imi Fairbairn) out for the field goal already.

MDC

STOP THROWING TWO- AND THREE-YARD PASSES

(Watson runs the ball into the end zone for the touchdown. Texans lead 10-3.)

Luke

I think that’s enough for us to win the game boys.

[Ed. Note: It is.]

Weston

Yeah, that should do it.

There’s no way Leonard Fournette is 22 years old

Second Quarter

Luke

Clowney is the waves crashing upon the beaten harbour walls.

Capt Ron

1st down and?.....Miller up the middle into the granite ramparts. O’Brien fools nobody with weekly consistency.

UT

Holy [kitten] Deshaun, where the [kitten] were you throwing those last two passes? Beaumont?

Weston

TrevorDanielSZN

Luke

Pats up 21-3 vs the Jets. Wildcard here we come.

Capt Ron

Watson was on target, but the refs chose to ignore Ramsay’s defensive hold of Hopkins.

Vegas wants a certain outcome today and the NFL officials will [kitten] well abide.

(to Luke) The 2 seed and AFC Championship game are two unicorns to Houston.

Weston

I hate everyone who celebrated the #2 seed two weeks ago.

Capt Ron

Good stop by the defense there.

UT

Watson got seriously lucky that didn’t get picked by Jack there.

(Lamar Miller runs a touchdown in for the Texans on the next play. Texans lead 17-3.)

Capt Ron

Bank shot to Hopkins followed by a strong run for a Houston Touchdown!

Brett

LAMAR MILLER DID A THING

UT

Watson is the only QB, per Texans PR, to have 4000 yards passing and 25 touchdowns as well as 500 yards rushing and 5 rushing touchdowns in one season.

That’s...specific.

Luke (to UT)

When ya content create content you gotta cherry pick.

Capt Ron (to UT)

And Watson accomplished that under the stiff restraints of O’Brien’s play calling. That’s what is really incredible.

MDC (to UT)

Bill James has a great explanation from years ago about how those comparisons/distinctions are meaningless because you can create them to make anyone look unique or similar to anyone else by using enough categories. This one is a great example of that.

(Watson is sacked.)

Capt Ron

Davenport stands around and watches his missed block become another sack on Watson.

That dude needs to be cut.....and then waived.

Halftime Reactions

UT

Just saw “Davenportal” as a nickname on Twitter. Seems fitting.

BFD

Josh Allen again doing it all today, both the good and the bad.

Kenneth L.

This offensive line is going to kill Watson. It’s unbelievable how bad this is

MDC

JJ Watt looked like his right arm/shoulder was bothering him walking off the field.

BFD

- Deshaun Watson is a [kitten]ing wizard.

- Blake Bortles is LOL bad.

This game is over. The smartest thing Marrone could do at this point of the game is forfeit.

Weston

That will get 125 retweets and make everyone dumber

It’s all good regarding Josh Allen BFD. You just need to think about the world differently. [Durga] [kitten] I can’t wait to watch Teddy Bridgewater tonight.

UT (to Weston)

Oh you’ll love it Big Matt, he’s played [kitten]y as [kitten] today so far.

Weston

(to UT) Hell yes. I can’t wait.

The AFC halftime crew’s reactions to whenever Phil Simms opens up his dumb dry mouth is my favorite part of today’s game.

Capt Ron

“Davenportal” is pure gold.

Now we will all fall asleep in comas as O’Brien turtles the second half, which I’m fine with if it keeps the remaining roster healthy for whatever playoff spot the Texans end up with.

UT

They just put on rugby next to the Texans game and now I’m not sure which one I want to watch more.

Third Quarter

Capt Ron

Watt has a wrap on his right elbow. He’s on the field at least.

Texans first possession of the second half is about to happen. What’s the over/under on a run up the middle as the first play?

Capt Ron

Answering my own challenge, I’m stunned to see a pass to Hopkins!

Brett

You see what happens when you pass, Bill?

BFD

And there’s the cherry picked trivia on the air. Well done, Texans PR.

You don’t need to come up with bull[kitten] stats to make Watson look good.

Kenneth L.

Spider Z Y-Banana to Blue for the first down

BFD

Anybody else’s heart stop during the Jackon sack of Watson? Goodness kitten.

Capt Ron

Griffin with the holding penalty to kill the drive.

::marks bingo card::

UT

A stat for Texans PR, Watson is now tied eighth all time on the all-time getting sacked list.

Weston

We don’t besmirch Davenport on this blog Ron.

What the hell did Yeldon do to the Jaguars? [Durga] I’d love if Houston could vivisect Blue and sign him for like $3 million a year.

[Ed. Note: Like [kitten] we don’t.]

Capt Ron

I hope that the sports writers properly recognize Kareem Jackson as an “All Pro” to show what a joke the “Pro Bowl” selection process is. He’s had a great season.

I’m loving how Hopkins is working Ramsay today.

BFD

If Westbrook (I believe) would have brought that long pass down when Reid stumbled, this game would be very different.

Brett (to Capt Ron)

Kareem Jackson is legit one of the five best tacklers I’ve seen. Every hit is just money. He’s teaching tape.

Kareem Jackson almost single-handedly holding the Texans secondary together. What else is new, I guess.

Weston

The Film Room: Kareem Jackson Tackles

Fourth Quarter

BFD

I so love that guy (Kareem). I do hope he gets into coaching when he’s done as a player.

I love Bortles calling out Clowney on the last snap, verifying the o-line knew the huge guy in the middle of the field needed to be blocked.

Weston

The only thing worth watching for is Clowney getting sack #10, something that shouldn’t matter, but does for the masses.

BFD

Hopkins needs a more challenging league.

Capt Ron

Hopkins just smoked Ramsay like a brisket.

BFD

BOB? You have my permission to run out the clock. The Glitter Kitties ain’t going to score two TDs against us, and I like Deshaun Watson. A lot.

(Texans kick a field goal, negated by roughing call against Jacksonville, keeps drive alive only to stall again for the same field goal. Texans lead 20-3.)

UT

They only delayed the inevitable.

The Hardest Working Man In Football with a field goal.

Capt Ron

The NFL’s leading scorer just put up 3 more points for the All Field Goal Offense of Houston.

UT

I think the Texans just turned Borkles into a red cloud of mist on that sack.

Capt Ron

Hopkins has 11 receptions for 145 yards against the trash-talking Ramsay. Still 9:29 to play.

(Ramsay picks off Hopkins...)

UT

Oh look at you Ramsay, you finally did one thing against DeAndre Hopkins. Go on and celebrate like you won the [kitten] Super Bowl.

Git.

(...But is called incomplete after review.)

UT

And you didn’t even get that.

Capt Ron

Just when I though these refs were the modern day Peaky Blinders, they go and get the call correct.

UT

For all the times we accuse BOB of grinding the clock early in the second half, the one time we want him to do it and we get minute-long drives that end in punts.

MDC

He’s a moron, [UT]. Plain and simple.

UT (to MDC)

I understand that, but there’s a difference between knowing that and experiencing it in real time.

In an odd way, it’s breathtaking.

(Andre Hal picks off Bortles in the end zone.)

BFD

Andre Hal. <3 <3 <3.

UT

I hope they keep Borkles forever.

Capt Ron

Bortles with the arm punt to Hal in the end zone, and the Texans take over at their 25.

Can we please just run the clock out, BoB?!!!

MDC (to UT)

True. It’s amazing to watch. Like watching the people at the beginning of Bird Box do themselves in.

Hey, Deshaun...stop running. Stop running out of bounds. Just get the ball to whatever [kitten] is in the backfield with you and get out of the way.

(With less than five minutes left, Texans begin running plays that take them out of bounds frequently.)

MDC

WHAT THE [KITTEN] ARE THEY DOING?!

BFD

BOB completely lacks the ability to comprehend in-game context.

UT

That sound you hear is my head falling open like a chocolate orange watching every play go out of bounds like we’re the ones who need to stretch out the clock.

MDC

Now think back to the games where they needed more time and seemed oblivious on how to stop the clock and what plays to run...

Also, chocolate oranges are good.

UT

If Gary Kubiak was Vizzini, to use Rivers’ post from a few years back, then Bill O’Brien is Captain Peter Wrongway Peachfuzz from the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons.

Capt Ron

I’d love a chocolate orange right now.

A chocolate orange would go great with this autumnal mead.

::looks down at bingo card and notices an unmarked spot for Clowney being offsides and tears it in half with a smile::

BFD

So important to take a time out with 35 seconds, F[K]S.

(Houston Texans win 20-3, win the AFC South.)

UT

No matter. AFC SOUTH CHAMPIONS BABY!!!!

Game Balls

Offense - Deshaun Watson is our offense and our offense is Deshaun Watson. So a game ball for him.

Defense - Blake Bortles. You know why.

Special Teams - A fresh game ball for The Hardest Working Man In Football, Ka’imi Fairbairn.

That’s that, folks. Got anything you want to add to this championship-calibre dog? Add your thoughts to the comments section below!