In an attempt to further fill this space while waiting for anything truly noteworthy to write about, it seems we’re remiss in identifying the Houston Texans players and personnel and others who truly excelled, for bad or good, in the 2017 season.
With that in mind, it seems the perfect time to hand out our first annual...
!!Houston Texans Yearbook Awards!!
Now, this isn’t the run of the mill Rookie of the Year or the extraordinary Man of the Year sort of awards we’re handing out around these parts. No, sir. This is the stuff of legends… or at least a minor, involuntary, under-your-breath chuckle in between mind-numbing work assignments on a Tuesday morning.
So, let’s get to it, shall we?
First off, we’d like to present the Most Likely To Get Your Quarterback Destroyed Award to none other than the pride of the Jacksonville Jaguars’ Defensive Line Payroll Department, Jeff Allen. While we can’t conclusively prove that every Glitter Kitty sack of a Houston QB in 2017 came on Allen’s watch, we’re not going to make the effort to prove otherwise either. Let’s just hope he’s actually wearing Jacksonville’s uniform next year so our defensive line can return the favor.
The Most Likely To Hit the A-Gap Like A Boss Award goes to Alfred Blue. He has one job. One. Job. When Bill O’Brien calls the inevitable A-Gap run, Budweiser’s “Real American Genius” song starts playing and Blue hits the hole like a sixteen-year-old squeezing a school bus between two traffic cones in economy parking outside the DMV. It’s surely enough to make Brian Cushing proud.
Speaking of Cushing, next we have the Most Likely to Have a Jaw Cut From Pure Unapproved Substances Award which goes to... Brian Cushing. He’s the player you hate to love, the heart and soul of Houston’s defense for so very long. It’s a wonder more high school athletes in H-Town aren’t lining up to buy legal performance-enhancing substances in their #56 jerseys.
The Most Likely To Get Cut From a CFL Team Near You Soon Award goes to Tom Savage. Sure, Savage had the college career equivalent of a red-headed stepchild. Sure, no one ever gave him a chance, other than Bill O’Brien, and Rick Smith, and George Godsey and… but, in the end, he’s just not cut from the same cloth as Matt Schaub, Deshaun Watson or any other winning NFL quarterback to play in Houston.
For Most Likely To Come Back Better Than Entire Defensive Lines Award, we can think of no better recipient than J.J. Watt. The old saying of “(insert player name) at 80% is better than most at 100%” doesn’t cut it with J.J. It should be “J.J. Watt asleep on his custom mattress in the back of the equipment room is better than most at 100%”.
Our Most Likely to Not Get a Giant Contract in Free Agency Since Uncle Rick is Gone Award goes to Xavier Su’a-Filo. One can only hope that new Texans General Manager Brian Gaine actually understands that offensive lines, unlike DMV traffic cones, need to actually stop things from invading our backfield. Some offensive linemen can actually make that happen and are worth a large payday in free agency. Sadly, that person is not Su’a-Filo.
Most Likely to Catch a Cold, a Fish, a Criminal, a Ball or Anything Else Catchable Award goes to DeAndre Hopkins. The man sweats stickum. Even when he was the only starting wideout on the field and the defense was running a dime package, Nuk came down with the ball. Too bad the thrill of his 2017 season will be lost in the agony of a 4-12 record.
Our Most Likely to Royally Screw a Division Rival Award goes to Josh McDaniels. Thanks for staying in New England, Josh, and thanks for getting all those other guys to quit their jobs, uproot their families, and move to the Valley of Baby Horses just so you could pull one of the douchiest moves since your pal Nick Saban peed in the Dolphins pool. Maybe we rename this “Biggest Jerk Award,” but we’re not here to feel sympathy for NeckBeard and his mates...
The Most Likely To Leave and Come Back Again The Next Time Houston Plays the Bengals Award goes to T.J. Yates. The true crime of this season? T.J. didn’t get to get up off his couch on Wednesday, fly to Houston on Thursday, beat the Bengals on Sunday, and fly back home Monday. Maybe Brian Gaine keeps Yates in a case that says “Break Glass In Case of Bengals Game.”
And, our last one, the Most Likely to Get Smacked Down in Historical Fashion Award goes to the Not-The-Oilers for giving up 57 points to Houston like an asthmatic nerd handing over his lunch money to
Brian Cushing the school bully. If we can hang our helmets on anything from last season, it’s the concept that the Titans team we utterly destroyed made it into the playoffs. Had Watt, Whitney Mercilus and DeShaun Watson stayed healthy, this could have been the year that Houston finally won it all on the gridiron.
What awards would you like to hand out? Let us know in the comments below.